Wednesday Morning 6:12 A.M. Babies still in nursery, I can hear a little babbling. Alan off to work. I’m drinking my green tea, toast with peanut butter and banana. It’s dark outside. It’s quiet, only the hum of my laptop and the refrigerator. Just be here. Just be present. I don’t want to be pre-occupied, worrying about all the things that need to be done, I’m taking it down a notch today. “WHAT the FUCK” I say to my computer. There are too many hidden commands I do that I don’t know how I do that I don’t want to do. Had Family Day yesterday, Alan didn’t work because of rain. Took the babies to Discovery Museum. Alan see’s what I’m talking about when I say how exhausting it is taking two thirteen month olds somewhere and letting them loose. I need something now, a drug, a break, a chill out period. Put the babies in their play and packs. I bought two backpacks with leashes at Babies R Us laughing at the checkout stand. They say 18 months plus, but I’ll try one on Jack. He’s so fast. It sounds like they might take a short nap, they’re so cranky. The kind of cranky when they push me away as I change their diapers and I get sad and mad. That’s when I made the decision, “You’re both going to take a nap now.” I bought a copy of Women’s Health at Smart and Final. I can read it tonight when I take a bath and find out about Epic Orgasms #Guy Optional, 20 Ways to look HOT NOW, and catch up with Eva Mendes. I’m feeling better already. We tried story time at the museum. A story about a bear loosing and finding his hat, but Jack and Fiona weren’t interested. They want to be free. The lady sitting next to me has two snotty nose kids, she and her husband sound sick too. It irritates me. I don’t like them. A little girl sitting in the front row answers all the questions the book reader asks. I think it’s cute and annoying at the same time, but I realize I’m doing the same thing. It’s raining now. We ate at Murray Circle for lunch. We order Moscow Mules, they were very weak ones. I’m not doing very good on my pre-cleanse cleanse. Oh, but I did get my juicer today. I don’t have anything to put in it though. It’s a whirlwind now with the babies. I try to be present and mindful. It’s hailing outside. At night during our bedtime routine I feel relaxed. Maybe because it’s just the three of us in a small room, so I have nothing to worry about, Jack and Fiona can’t fall, choke or drown. There was a pond and a creek behind our house in Spring Valley. Danny and I loved when it rained, the murky pond would fill up with water and we could build rafts and float around. We didn’t “swim” in it because everybody knew it was sewer water. One time we were “by” the creek after a big rain, the water was rushing down high on the banks, we saw a poop float by. We thought it was so sick, (And Funny) but it didn’t stop us from playing in the creek, catching frogs and pollywogs. There’s a fake creek at the discovery museum for kids to play in, there’s rubber frogs and fish, and they even provide plastic aprons so your kid won’t get wet. I don’t bother with that though, Jack and Fiona will find a way to get wet and dirty no matter what I do, I’ve stopped trying. At the restaurant Alan’s sitting by Fiona, he keeps her face clean. “I think Jack needs his face wiped.” He tells me. It goes in one ear, out the other. I give them a bath before bed and that’s good enough for me. I don’t have the energy to keep them clean all day. (Except their butts, I keep those clean to prevent diaper rash) Now I have a nanny two days a week instead of three. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we’re on our own. (Except when Alan’s home) It makes for a long stretch and when Friday comes along I am HAPPY to see Ramona! 6:47A.M., its light outside now. Time to get the babies, change the diapers, give them their bottles, toast, and banana. Read books and play. Go for a walk. Clean up messes as we go through our day. The End
Month: April 2015
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“MMM it’s good.” I say. “What’s good?” says Alan. (He stayed home from work today because of the rain.) “My Green tea”. I say, it’s really good. I put the honey I usually put in my coffee on my toast with Banana and almond butter. Jack and Fiona are still sleeping, it’s 7:19 AM, this scares me. Whenever they sleep unusually late they have been sick. I can hear little noises on the monitor, Alan has decided to go down to get them. This is very nice of him. I’m missing Jack and Fiona right now though, I’m missing going in and saying, “Good morning” Giving them big hugs and cuddles. I don’t miss changing their diaper. Alan just brought up Fiona, I grabbed her gave her a hug, put her in the high chair, but all she really wanted was her bottle. I have everything ready. When Alan got home from work last night he wanted to cuddle the babies but they kept coming to me. They wanted to go to bed. Ah Jack, he gave me the sweetest smile and cuddle. I wonder if it’s OK to have a second cup of green tea. “Wait let me finish this really fast.” I say to Alan. (Several Times) A lot of talking, questions, conversations are happening right now that are breaking my concentration. I had some time in the studio yesterday. I have an idea, prep the paper, lay down some paint. I like what first comes out, I’m doing self-portraits, need to let them dry. Multi task, work on the laundry and clean my closet. I go back to my studio. I HATE them, I start working, nothing’s happening. I start to panic. I want to smoke some pot. But I don’t because I’m cutting back in preparation for my cleanse next week. I leave again, work on more chores. Come back, mix some new paint, new colors, the creativity is finally starting to flow. I’m excited. I am liking how these are turning out. I lean towards dark colors when I’m PMS’ing and self –loathing. I usually cover everything up with black paint and throw it in the trash. This is a definite improvement. That is the other thing the Zoloft did, it removed my self-loathing component. How does it do that? I did it by myself yesterday though which is great news for me. I am changing. Naturally.
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Monday morning. 7:26 A.M. Make coffee despite my goal to drink green tea. (“Pre-cleanse”) Every step along the way I have an opportunity to switch; just pour the boiling water into a cup with a green tea bag. I take a sip of my coffee, I could just throw it away right now and not finish it. (It’s so damn good.)Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow with a cup of green tea. The babies are playing nice together. New beach toys from Uncle Danny, a giant yellow duck seems to be the favorite right now. I do smell a shit. ”Jack no, Jack no! You’re going to fall off the couch like you did yesterday and start crying.” Yeah, they’re playing nicely, except when I look in to observe I see trouble. I need to change poopy diapers. I notice a sigh. I do this when performing certain repetitive tasks, changing diapers, picking things up off the floor and sweeping. I read that sighing is a sign of stress in my new Urban Remedy book (The one with instructions for the 4-Day Home Cleanse Retreat). New Goal: every time I need to re-sweep the kitchen floor I am going to use it as a chance to do walking meditation. This week in addition to cutting out coffee I am planning on cutting out sweets, and anything else that’s not necessary for my survival. Adding lots of vegetables, smoothies (I’ll make them at home, NO MORE 10$ smoothies!) and I ordered a juicer online. I’m starting the “REAL” cleanse on April 16th, that’s next Monday. I’ve tried to do cleanses many times, always failed. I feel this is the one, the one I will succeed in! I don’t think I’ll make the nut milks by hand though, I might just buy those. Is that cheating? This week I’m supposed to avoid: Caffeine, Alcohol, soda, red meat (I had a steak last night) sausage, pasta, cookies, preservatives, dairy, GMF’s, canned food, and cigarettes. Seems simple enough. Then I’ll be ready for phase two. Once I get my juicer I’m going to try “PMS Relief”: fennel, mustard greens, parsley, carrots, and apple. This will be my first time going through PMS without Zoloft in six beautiful months. If I start to sound crazy and irrational in the next couple of weeks that is why. Easter was fun. CADBURY EGG BLIND TASTE TEST:
Step one: Buy an Illegal Cadbury Egg from the Irish store in the city and a Cadbury Egg made in America.
Step two: Prepare two plates, label one plate FAKE EGG and one plate REAL EGG. (Put sticky label under plate so no one can see. Alan cuts both eggs into four equal parts. (First sharpening knife.)
Final Step: Mix up plates and pieces of egg, put a piece in Alan’s mouth of first egg to be tested, Danny, Susan, and I all taste first egg. We rinse our mouths with Champagne. Move on to second plate, taste egg. There’s a clear difference. We all agree one egg’s chocolate tastes way better and one egg tastes super sweet. The vote is unanimous, we turn the plate over, the UK Egg is the winner!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 