As I touch the high chair a memory passes through my mind. Cleaning the throw up that time Jack and Fiona had a really bad flu. I was so worried, the projectile vomit, the temperature, the lethargy. Things jack and Fiona won’t remember. I woke up early, it’s a foggy morning. The babies are still in the nursery. I don’t hear Fiona, but Jacks been babbling.  It’s the babbling that melts my heart. It’s so cute. Yesterday after my Yoga Class, walking down the stairs to Play Center, I felt like x-mas morning. The old x-mas morning before my mom died. “Hi Jack and Fiona” I say. Jack runs to me, the fat on his little cheeks jiggling, he’s smiling, making a noise of pure joy, I pick him up. Fiona comes next.

I’m running behind peanuts trying to lasso her. I’m six years old, my mom’s mom is still alive. It’s Fourth of July, we’re all outside in the back yard. Peanuts stops and WHAM, her hoof makes contact with my cheek. I remember a bit of panic by the adults, but what I remember most is my mom wrapping me in a blanket, letting me sit up front in the old green dodge dart on our way to the doctors. The doctor stitches me up and says “You’re lucky she didn’t get you a few inches higher, you would have lost your eye.” He brings me a dark colored root beer flavored Popsicle.

I remember my mom taking good care of me when I was sick or hurt. She even played along all the times I “Faked it”. I would sneak a drink of hot tea right before she took my temperature. She set me up with the orange afghan on the couch and let me stay home from school. I guess I never really liked school, once the kids started getting mean. It must have been fourth grade, we had to do a presentation in Mrs. Kaley’s class. I always hated doing anything in front of a group. I faked singing the whole time I was forced to stand up on stage and sing Christmas carols. I even faked playing the flute when we were in front of an audience of parents. I’m standing in front of the chalk board and the whole class starts laughing. The whole class. “Your zippers down.” Mrs. Kaley says. Everything is a blur after that, I was so embarrassed. The worst part was I was wearing a new pair of light blue bell bottom pants my mom bought me from K-Mart. I had a super cute outfit on. And they just laughed at me.

Last night Fiona screamed super loud after she had gone to sleep. I go down to see if she’s O.K. Her nose is all stuffed up. I pick her up and cuddle her. I tell her “I’m so sorry baby, you don’t feel good.” But she can’t hear what I’m saying, she doesn’t have her hearing aids on. She can probably feel the vibrations in my chest as I talk, feeling the security of me just “being there”. I bring her upstairs and ask Alan to suck out some snot with the snot sucker and I give her some Tylenol. Alan brings her back down to her crib and she goes back to sleep. She won’t remember any of this.

Both babies sound awake now. Bottles Time.