Loss Of Innocence, Missed Childhood

“You need to wear a bra” said Timmy. I just want to run and hide right now. I thought they took me seriously. I finally got the boss to let me help train the new stallion. A dream come true. I’m working at a ranch as a trail guide, but I’ve convinced the boss to give me more work. Teach me all he can. And BAM, Boobs appear on my chest, boobs that went un-noticed to me as I dressed in a plain white t-shirt, jeans and cowboy boots. But not to Timmy, I looked up to him. Now I want to run out of this corral and never come back. It’s the summer after sixth grade. I just finished elementary school. I want my life to be working with horses. Training horses, working on a ranch. That’s all I want, that’s my one and only dream. But now I have boobs. Fucken boobs. Sixth grade really sucked. My mom brought me a green terry cloth shorts and tank outfit back from her trip to Alcapulco. I loved it very much, it was so cute. But whenever I wore it to school the boys would run up behind me and grab my butt. It was so embarrassing.

I gave my niece a bag of dresses on Sunday. She wore one to school yesterday. Her mom sent me a picture. Accessorized with a belt and tennis shoes, she looked so cute. Her mom said all her friends at school loved it. She looked so innocent and sweet in the photo. She’s fifteen now, the same age I was when I got pregnant. I woke up last night and started thinking about her and about my life, wondering when I lost my innocence. I used my relaxation techniques to help me fall back asleep because it was four o’clock in the morning. Now as I write, the same questions come up. I feel a sadness because of my lost childhood.

Jack and Fiona won’t take their morning nap today. I don’t know why.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist