I had time to have breakfast before Jack and Fiona woke today. The sun shone through the cracks of my bedroom windows so brightly this morning, I thought it was really late. I looked at the clock and it was only 6:13A.M. “Wow” I thought. I snuck up stairs, my honey was still home. We whisper “Good morning” to each other. I make my toast and coffee and read a new post on a blog I follow. I start getting greedy and want time to write as well, but jack and Fiona wake up. They are both teething bad this week. Jack has two new bottom back teeth, maybe molars, and Fiona has a new front tooth cutting through. I never could have imagined talking about teeth coming in and babies crying behind me because they are uncomfortable and want me to hold them. The post I read this morning was about “Fertility Awareness” and about having the facts about our fertility before it’s too late. It made me think about how young I felt at 34, the age I started “Trying” to get pregnant. I really felt young still and had no concerns about getting pregnant. Maybe because having children was never something I “had” to do. I was on the fence and felt I could have a great life without children. I didn’t have a strong maternal instinct, if such a thing really exists.

Yesterday Linda said, “You do too much. When I read your Blog I can’t believe how much you do. I wish you would just sit on the couch sometimes and do nothing. The first four years you can’t do anything for yourself, until they go to kindergarten.” She also mentioned the fact that being an older mother is harder too because we’ve had so many years of doing whatever we want when we want to. When I was in Mendocino I read back through some of my posts and I did notice an urgency in my writing. Like there are so many things I feel I need to do, so many things I try to do, so many things I feel guilty not doing. But there are truly things I just can’t give up the next four years. But is there a way to make it seem not so hectic? It’s hard though, today I only have one thing planned, yoga. The babies are taking their nap now. I have their food for the day made and packed, bottles made, diaper bag ready. But I feel stress when I think about getting them up, dressed, in the car seats, in the stroller, dropping them off at play center. It’s still a lot, just all those steps. They are so heavy now and won’t stop moving so doing all those things is extra hard. Then I worry what if they fall asleep on the way home in the car. I don’t want them to do that. Blah Blah Blah! That’s just it. The whole day is hectic whether I leave the house or not. It’s physically and mentally draining no matter how “present” I am, or how “mindful” I am. Maybe that’s the point.

My Maternal Instinct is definitely kicked in now. I am very motherly. My brother once said he always wanted to come home from school and find our mom was baking fresh chocolate chip cookies. I will be that mother to Jack and Fiona. But even if I say “This is my job, being a mom, everything else can be put on hold” I don’t think my life will become easier or less stressful. I’ve had a lot of jobs, hard demanding jobs, but this is the hardest. It may also be the most rewarding because I receive so much gratitude from the babies. I know they appreciate everything I do and love being my children and that makes me feel good.