Standing here, hand on hip, foggy eyed, 1:26 PM. My eyes begin to make trips around the kitchen, as I pass the fridge I think of the ice cold bottle of Racer 5, I see the Leggos scattered all over the floor of the living room, I see the sink full of dirty dishes. I feel the pain in my shoulder, back, and stomach. The air is heavy with humidity.  Jack and Fiona just went down for their one nap, Fiona is still babbling a lot, but Jack is sound asleep. I don’t know how much time I have, I’ve already decided I’m too tired to clean. Should I watch a movie or paint? Painting wins.

I enter my studio and prepare my paper. It feels good to be in here and I wonder why I said yesterday that I might not have much time to paint for a while? I never have that much time anyhow, but it’s good to get in for a quick session at least on most days of the week. Creativity for creativities sake. I’m deep in abstraction, responding to the paints texture, making marks that come out freely, use colors that ask me to use them. Experimentation and spontaneity is where I live right now. One time I read or someone said that paintings, even abstract ones need to come from something to be good. My paintings right now only come from inside of me. They come from my emotion and intellect.

We had a great time at the discovery museum yesterday, we joined Toddler circle time, where we sang songs like Itsy Bitsy Spider and The Wheels on the Bus. There were tons of babies and moms, not as many nannies this time. The babies played and all had trouble sitting still for the book reading. We played outside where Fiona tried to climb into the fake stream and while I’m getting her I turn to see Jack has climbed onto the picnic table. We played in the Toddler outside adventure area, then had lunch at the little café. Jack and Fiona were so good at lunch this time. They sat in their high chairs, ate their grilled cheese sandwich, and people watched. I bought them cake pops, I know I’m bad, but they loved them. After lunch we checked out the big kid’s outdoor adventure play area. It is so cool! I let Jack and Fiona burn off the sugar from the cake pops! When it was time to leave I was putting Jack in his stroller seat and I turned to get Fiona and she was gone. I panicked, I looked around the corner and inside the cave, I don’t see her, I ask some other moms, “Have you seen a little girl with a striped hat?” they hadn’t. My heart is beating fast, then I see her. She got really far away from me, very scary. I get to the car and realize one of Fiona’s hearing aids is gone. The hearing aid I was worried wasn’t fitting properly. I knew that would happen and I should have been checking more often but this is the thing, I didn’t have a chance to think about that between chasing, grabbing, picking up two Toddlers, running in all directions. By the time we got home I am totally drained.

Hearing aids are not the end all. I feel so much pressure to make sure Fiona wears her hearing aids all the time, make sure she learns language, make sure she learns to talk and read. I think the hearing aids are great but they have many limitations. Now more than ever I think it’s important to learn and teach sign language. That’s solid, that we can use no matter what. There are so many times when she can’t wear her hearing aids and the more active she gets the less they will be worn. It’s a false sense of security.