Lost at Sea

I don’t have any pictures of me and my dad when I was little or old. I’m sure there’s some around, but I don’t have any. Sometimes I wonder how much that lack of photographic documentation plays a role in my memories of my dad when I was a little girl. Or how much the photographs of me and my mom influence my feelings towards her and her role in my life when I was a young girl. Or how much did my unstable teenage years give me my childhood narrative that I live by today? My dad was an absent parent indeed, he left my mom, me, and my brother to fend for ourselves. That’s not totally accurate because my mom did kick him out! But that was no reason for my dad to abandon us too. When my dad left yesterday I was overcome by emotions, I cried which was something I wasn’t expecting to do. I felt sad like I would never see him again. Growing up he never did anything to hurt me on purpose. His bad parenting was a product of his youth and the way his parents treated him. My mom and dad both had very rough childhoods with terrible emotional support. They had no idea how to be psychologically healthy people. They both had shortcomings as parents in their own ways. I’ve paid for that in my life and I’m lucky I’m a strong person or I probably wouldn’t be sitting here right now. It was extremely damaging to me going through what my dad put me through as a little girl. I had no self-esteem and things just got worse and worse. But I don’t feel mad at him. I feel happy I saw him and wish we could spend more time together. So much time has passed and I made it through, I’m doing fine now. I don’t hold a grudge and I understand how difficult it must have been for both my parents. I have to believe deep down my dad had my best interest at heart and cared about me and Danny, he just got lost at sea.

One thought on “Lost at Sea

  1. I think that’s a good point about photos. My gran was the family photographer and she died when I was 6 so there is almost nothing captured of my childhood. I remember so little, as I’m told is common growing up in an alcoholic home, and it’s even harder without albums to reminisce over. Your post is beautiful – full of kindness and love and acceptance towards your dad. That’s a lovely place to have got to and I’m really happy for you that you have that peace and could share time together. xx


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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist