The Darker the night the brighter the light

Today is the day mom. The day you started off as Jane Doe hooked up to machines that made your body swell, machines that kept your heart beating so the doctors could figure out who you were. You were walking your dogs at the Albany Bulb and collapsed from a massive Heart Attack. How long were you lying there on the cold damp grass, Billy and Zappa frantically pacing, circling you. Who found you? How long were you down? When I got to the hospital I couldn’t believe my eyes. All hooked up, you looked so sweet, I felt so sad. My sweet mom, I stroked your hair and examined your feet as the nurse checked them every so often, “it doesn’t look good, her bodies shutting down” I noticed tears in your eyes as we discussed your condition with the doctor. He said that was involuntary. I asked him over and over again “are you sure?” He said “yes, there’s no brain activity” I had to pull the plug Mom, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was the saddest day of my life, the most shocking, the most revealing to the true nature of life, the quickness in which it passes. After you died I thought I was coming right behind you, I believed my days were numbered. And they are, but I’ve gotten better at pushing those anxieties aside, the “what will my babies do if I die, will they be so sad forever?” I sometimes feel I’l be so sad forever because I miss you so much mom. You are my best friend, I miss you so much. 

Danny and Maureen are here today, it’s still early and everyones asleep, except I just heard Fiona, I think she’ll go back to sleep though. She’s your granddaughter. You would love her and Jack too! I imagine you with them, talking to them and singing to them, I’d make you sing “all the pretty horses” and I’d ask you tons of questions about Danny and I when we were little. I put up the Chritmas Tree last night, even though I said I wasn’t going to. I know how you loved x-mas and the babies are really enjoying the whole experience. 

It’s after seven now Sunday morning, the sky outside is bright orange, “red skies in the morning sailors take warning” Are you sending us a storm from the depths of the ocean floor? We will honor you today with light instead of darkness. The light that shined from you and cast upon the people who knew you. I love you and miss you so much mom. You would laugh at me now, the mother and housewife I’ve become. But I’m still my own person like you taught me. I paint everyday, I take my art career very seriously. And I’m a super good mom! I know you would   be proud of me. 

I’ll see you later at the beach.   

3 thoughts on “The Darker the night the brighter the light

  1. Crying. You expressed what I’ve been trying to say for 20 years. 20 years since my mom passed. My kid was 4. Hard and beautiful post. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist