Glad to be on this side of Yesterday

Yum, my coffee is good this morning. My toast just right, I picked the right chair. It’s 5:49 A.M. Saturday. I’m the first one up, woken by a ships fog horn in the bay. The sky is still at its darkest morning dark. I am glad to be on this side of yesterday, I had my first experience taking one of my children to the hospital. It was supposed to be a studio day, but after I walked Billy, took my shower, got dressed and came upstairs to check on Fiona, I became concerned. She was still sitting in the same spot I put her in before I took Billy for her walk, she wouldn’t eat or drink, and she definitely had a fever. Although I can only assume when the kids have fevers by comparing one to the other because out of the ten or so thermometers in the house I can’t figure out how to work any of them and I just can’t do the rectal read. Alan brought home another thermometer last night. “I got the best thermometer ever” he says. Takes it out of the box, can’t use it unless it’s synced to my phone and I get the app, can’t get app because I can’t remember my apple password. I’m not in the mood for this. “put it back in the package” I say.

Fiona is concerning me because her breathing is labored. I can see her chest and stomach moving up and down, I’ve never seen this before even when the babies have had the thickest snot and most congested chests, so I call the advice nurse. She advises me to take Fiona to the ER and if I can’t make it there safely to call an ambulance. For a minute my legs go weak, but I know it’s not as serious as the advice nurse made it sound. So I gather some snacks, waters, a blanket, seal, blu blu, and put Fiona in the car. Alan is off from work because of the rain and decides to come along. I hold Fiona all day, in the waiting room, on the hospital bed, as she gets her temperature taken, confirmed fever, she gets a breathing treatment, an X-Ray of her lungs, she sits on the table I’m behind her, back to the hospital bed, watching the clock as the hours pass by. Alan getting antsy, checking his phone even though it doesn’t work good in here, I’m just holding Fiona, 10:30, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, waiting, for discharge papers. Listening to other patients rolling in, telling the nurse how awful they feel. Taking notes in my head about all the different symptoms there are, wondering what’s wrong with them? Do they have cancer? Are they dying? Or just a common virus like Fiona has.


I wonder what would have happened if I need to take one of the babies to the hospital and I’m home alone. I wouldn’t have been able to do it yesterday if I had to bring Jack. I decide I want to grow a tree, I need to find other moms in my neighborhood that I can call to take a baby in an emergency and I can do the same for them. That last sentence stumped me, I find myself going through all the people I know, wondering who I could call. Everyone is so busy that I know here in Marin, the two people I know I could count live on the other side of the Richmond Bridge and the Golden Gate bridge. I need to grow my tree.

I want to make another cup of coffee now. But I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed. I love the look of the bare branches against the light blue dawn sky. It looks like it’s gonna be a nice day. Which is great because tomorrow is Jack and Fiona’s two-year birthday party! Today we need to get ready! I can’t believe I’m even having a party because I’ve despised kids’ birthday parties my whole life! But what changed my mind is going to a friend’s kids B-Day party that was really nice and seeing how much the kids enjoyed it. Jacks been talking about it every day, “Jumpy house”! That’s what they are getting for their birthday present!  We also got a piñata! I’m baking three cakes, one for Jack, one for Fiona, and one gluten free vegan. And we’re having a BBQ! I haven’t invited many people and I hope the people I did invite don’t get sick!! But we’ll still have fun no matter what! I haven’t heard Fiona cough once since I’ve been up, that’s promising. She should be all better by tomorrow. Birthday Party!!!

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist