12:09 Monday afternoon. Nice summer day, babies eating lunch, watching a movie, “Inside Out”, Brilliant movie! I’m leaning in, watching a few clips, trying to get motivated to pick up the house, do some dishes, feed the dog. We spent the whole weekend home, playing outside in the yard, in the sandbox, playing with trucks, painting, in fact watching Fiona paint reminds me of honest mark making, spontaneous, experimental, everything I hold sacred. The browns she creates, beautiful. The mess she makes, unbelievable! The mess that I sit here in front of right now, the mess that is always growing, getting bigger. I can’t control it. Especially when I’m alone. It’s not possible. I say this as Jack dances on the table naked, picks up a handful of fries and throws them on the floor. He grabs another handful and eats them. My dog climbs onto the table to finish off the plates of food. My son climbs off the table and pees on the floor. I think about all the puppies I’ve had, how Jack’s like a little puppy. But a puppy I would scold, say, “bad puppy, go outside to go potty” But when Jack or Fiona do it, I just say, “Oh no! Why didn’t you go to the potty?” But I know the answer already, at least one of the answers, they don’t want to stop playing! They’re only two and a half, they probably don’t have the control and quick response needed to get to the toilet, but they also don’t want to wear diapers anymore. I picked up two poops in the backyard yesterday, one Jack, one Fiona. Then sprayed off their butts! Lucky it’s summer! At nap times they take off their diapers and jump in their pee. I’ve been thinking about putting tape around their diapers to keep them on. But I wonder is that taking something away from their natural development? I tend to look at all things they do in that way, especially messes. Tantrums and annoying whining behavior I have zero tolerance for, I’m getting good at navigating those, but the making messes and taking off their diapers and painting on their bodies, that stuff just seems normal to me. It also feels draining when I try to control their every move and not let them mess up the house! I don’t know, it’s just so much work!

It sounds like they actually fell asleep! I can exercise and take a shower, maybe get some picking up done. Maybe fit in a painting session. Fionas inspired me to paint!