Fish Sticks and French Fries

I go downstairs to check on Jack, it’s 5- something Saturday afternoon. I’ve got fish sticks and French fries in the oven. I walk in Jack’s room and he’s lying on his bed under the cover. I crawl up beside him. He’s barely still awake. I hold his hand and rub his back. I look at his eyes and they are closed, he’s asleep. He looks so sweet. I leave and come back upstairs to finish making dinner. I decide to add broccoli with elephant garlic to this evenings menu. Dinner turns out good. Now Fiona rides her bike around the living room talking to herself. Alan reads on the couch and Billy lays at my feet. I thought she would definitely get her splint off yesterday. It’s very stressful for Billy to be at the veterinarians.  She is infected with anxiety. The vet lays Billy on her side on the stainless-steel table. He takes off Billy’s splint; everyone holds her down, it takes three of us. Billy pants and twists, her face presses into my jacket and pants. Hair sticks to me, the whites of her eyes get big. I have the vet examine her broken tooth as her mouth hangs open wide as she pants. Yes, the tooth will need to be pulled the vet says. “We’re gonna wait till her leg’s better though, right?” I ask. “yes, definitely” the vet says. After the examination, the vet decides to re-splint her leg for another week. It’s disappointing, especially for Billy.

Two times in the past week Fiona has not wanted to wear her hearing aids. She told me they hurt her ears, so I let her take them off. We were getting ready to go for a walk today and I was talking to Fiona; more than once I had to remind myself, she can’t hear you. I get closer, start talking in front of her, try to use my sign language and can’t remember anything. My legs get weak, I think about how I need to keep up on my sign language studies, how drastically different it is when Fiona is not wearing her hearing aids; it’s almost like two different children. I really hope Fiona gets into the Early Start preschool at MCOE. They use sign language at the school, it’s at the same location she has been attending in the Infant/ Toddler program since birth. Now that she’s turning three she moves into the San Rafael City school district. They have a program for special needs/ kids with communication issues, but it’s not hearing impaired focused and they don’t incorporate sign into all communication. But if Fiona goes to the MCOE program, San Rafael school district must pay for Fiona’s attendance at the county school. I realized today how important it is that she go to the program focused on kids with hearing loss.  It has been such a help so far at Early Start. I can’t imagine what life would have been without that support and education we received from Linda and the other teachers at Early Start. Fiona is thriving, and now with her vocabulary and education increasing rapidly she needs the support of an environment where total communication is used.

In politics, this week, I have been equally drained from the increasing merging of church and state. I am an atheist. I feel I am being marginalized. I am not a Christian, I don’t favor one religion over any other. I don’t want creationism taught to my children, unless it’s in a comparative religion class that talks about all religions and gods equally.  I am scared shitless of Betsy Devos, Tillerson, and Price. I am furious over all these men (And women) trying to take away my right to have an abortion. It’s my business. But strangely I feel an ease, something I haven’t felt since Trump came on the scene. It’s a nightmare we are living through, all our worst fears are materializing in front of our eyes and there seems to be no way to take them down. But I have hope because there’s enough people who disagree with all the insanity that eventually the tables will turn, it might be when I’m dead and gone, but I will not live the rest of my life in despair over politics. Fuck that shit! Fuck them, they won’t win in the end.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist