Closer to the person I want to be

How do I even begin? I feel great relief, a sense of freedom on my horizon. I finally finished the process of deciding Fiona’s education plan and feel like I’ve received the information I needed. I feel like I’ve made my decisions as best as I can. It’s been intense. As intense as it was for me when we were trying to have a baby. To make decisions I’ve had to make concerning my own fertility and now questions about Fiona’s Hearing Loss. I’ve had to dig deep down inside myself to answer ethical questions, process science and technical information, try to understand life through Fiona’s experience. Every decision has been a smorgasbord of questions. I’ve had to read so much, do so much research, talk to so many people, ask so many questions. I feel like even my transition to veganism has intersected with the big questions I’ve had lately. The question about sending my kids to our nearest school, even though Jack and Fiona will need to be in the same classroom because there’s only one Kindergarten. I feel so strongly with living local, getting away from my car, walking and riding bikes through the neighborhood. That outweighs the risk of having twins together in the same classroom. Many questions about myself, how I got to a position of high cholesterol and on a road to heart disease have come up. Thinking about my mom. I was at Target the other day. I didn’t feel amazing, and I was getting the kids ice cream. I saw some Vegan ice creams, I wanted some, but when I checked the nutrition label, they had more fat and sugar along with artificial stuff than the dairy ice cream. I decided I would skip it, but I got the kids a pack of It’s It, the kind with three in a box. I wanted one so bad. I struggled with the decision for hours. I finally decided, NO I’m not eating one or anything like that. The moment passed. The next day I felt so proud of myself. I recognized a feeling, where I felt sick and depressed and wanted something soothing, like a sugary fatty treat. I almost gave in, but I thought about how healthy I’ve been eating, how I haven’t had a processed food like an It’s it for almost three months. I did have vegan Ice Cream and A vegan Chocolate Brownie and a Vegan Chocolate chip cookie in the past three months, but they all came from super organic fancy local shops. I started eating Falafel again too, I hope I can get away with that one. I just love Falafels, hummus with olive oil and Tahini! It can’t be that bad, right?? We’ll see when I take my next cholesterol test. I constantly am faced with my mom’s death and being an older aged parent. I’m going through menopause with five-year-old twins! Sometimes I wish I was young. But sometimes I don’t. The things I just went through were intense, I wouldn’t want to go through everything I’ve been through again.

This is a good place I’m at now. I’m ready for phase two! Getting back to a regular yoga and mediation practice. Getting back into my studio and creativity on a more frequent schedule. I’m excited. I’ve learned so much lately about myself and knowing what’s most important to me in my life. I am closer to the person I want to be.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist