The fan above my head brings a slight chill to my hands. It’s hot outside this afternoon. So quiet at this moment. Peaceful. Jack and Fiona are sleeping soundly. I feel completely at ease, things are different now. I know what I have to do, what I need to work on. My husband texts me: “I’m going to check out Sprouts. Do you want anything?” (It’s a new grocery store down the street) I reply, “I’m so jealous!!!Bring home some yummy foods for us and the babies!” I also gave him a list of vegetables for the juicer. I’m excited about the new grocery store. There are days when I just say, “No” or “nothing” or “whatever.” My poor husband. I painted today. Made two pieces I really like. Inspired by a group I joined on Facebook called Asemic Writing. I was intrigued by the images people were posting. “The word asemic means “having no semantic meaning.”( Wikipedia) “The meaning is left for the reader to fill in and interpret.” I listen to the babies babble on the monitor when working in my studio. The frequencies of their voices influence my paintings, the lines, the colors. Sometimes I am relaxed, the babbling is sweet and content. Other times I am on edge, I can’t tell if the babbling will turn into a cry, its high pitched, whiny, and piercing. Jack and Fiona inspire my painting and writing practice. I’m paying close attention, letting them explore, giving them beet tops to chew and examine, room to room, drawer to drawer, replacing dangerous items with fun finds. I watch them get delighted. I come upstairs after I put them to bed and am upset. The first thought that comes to my mind is why didn’t Alan help pick up? There are diapers, magazines, tortillas, toys, everything is a mess, have to clean it. I start picking up the diapers and magazines. A smile comes to my face. I don’t mind that Alan didn’t help anymore, I’m not upset I have to clean up by myself, I’m only thinking about how much fun they had and what they learned when the mess was being made. All my paintbrushes are hard. My studio is a mess. I am very productive. The paper I’m using now is imbedded with information. Age has discolored it slightly, given it an antique look and feel. The smell of musk released as I wet the paper, gives me a feeling, a reminder of people no longer on earth. A memory.
Category: advice for new moms of twins
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I throw a jar of diluted black watercolor paint on my paper, I’m thinking about Fiona hitting a little old hammer on the glass table and I’m inspired. I walk into the library to check on my babies. She’s lifting it up, “No Fiona! Oh my gosh you guys.” I look in the drawer where she got the hammer, there’s a box of wall fasteners and nails too. I send Alan a text: “We still have a lot of childproofing to do.” It’s a never ending scavenger hunt. We ended up not going on our great adventure today. We stayed home and were adventurous instead. The babies took two naps, I had two sessions in my studio, time to write and take a bath. We had lots of good times together. We read books, played outside, ate breakfast and lunch together. We cuddled a ton, learned new words, sang songs and listened to music. (I think that might be why it took them so long to go to sleep, they were processing a ton of information) I hear Jack cry, I look out on the deck and can’t see what’s hurt him, pick him up. Fiona cries two times, like yelps, I realize it’s the screws on the deck, they’re burning their little feet. The sun is strong today. I wonder if they can make the connection. I kiss their feet to show I understand what happened.
I open the special roll of paper I was gifted. Nervous to use any because of its history and age. I have the creative spirit flowing today. I feel myself getting on the hamster wheel. I need to calm down. The paper is beautiful and strong. I work in layers, watercolor, collage, acrylic, listening to the babies babbling on the monitor. I am very productive and like what I’ve done, but then I start to overwork and get stressed. STOP. I’m not painting again for a few days I tell myself. Now its morning and I want to paint again. Maybe just one quick session so I don’t get all tangled up. I asked Ramona to come for three hours this morning so I could paint. Now I’m thinking I should do chores, cleaning, purging, putting away laundry. That brings me to my list. My constant should and shouldn’t. I could divvy up my time, One hour in my studio, one hour with Billy, One hour doing chores. But then am I fully present if I’m pressuring myself so much?
Thinking about staying present, made me think of perception and how that affects things. I thought of the lists I make and how they interfere:
- Don’t eat any more sugar or drink any more coffee.
- Don’t enjoy the sunshine.
- Don’t look at Facebook or check my e-mails, turn off my phone. Forbid myself or only allow myself at designated times. (This rule is impossible because then my phones off when I want to get a great shot of Jack and Fiona.)
- Don’t think negative thoughts about myself or anyone else.
If I say I’m not going to do that anymore isn’t that one more thing I’m adding to my list? Forcing myself to be a certain way, think a certain way that’s not coming naturally. Hindering myself from staying present. Putting pressure on myself constantly. The next thing out of my head was going to be something that started to give me anxiety. I almost did it again by thinking, “I need to get off the hamster wheel.” That’s what the Zoloft prevents. That’s crazy. I thought there was something up when I started making my lists again. I noticed that I had stopped making them as well. So now that I know this about myself how do I flip the switch off? One idea, go to the studio when Ramona gets here and work as long as I need to! The chores can wait.
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“Do you want to watch signing time?” I say to Jack and Fiona. It’s a great show, they use American Sign Language. On my second cup of coffee, made it really good today. I’m bad. Bought a jar of Justin’s Hazelnut Chocolate spread, it’s amazing on toast with banana. The babies like it too. House Finches on the deck sitting together, they are a couple. They come back year after year. I need to remember to put out bird seed today. I think we’ll go on a big adventure. The Beach, maybe Point Reyes. Or maybe we’ll just hang here. I’m not sure, the babies just went down for their nap and I think they will actually sleep this time.
I kept my word yesterday. Jack and Fiona did not take their morning nap. I hear them, babbling, take them out of their play and packs after a half hour. They are super excited, running up and down the hall, into the kitchen where I give them bites of fifteen bean soup I made in the slow cooker. I put them in their high chairs, feed berries and beans, I make up a song called beans and berries. It’s 11:00A.M. They are definitely tired, I decide to give them a nice bath and put them in their cribs in the nursery so I can take a shower. Jack falls asleep, Fiona keeps babbling. Time is passing quickly. Should I cancel my reservation at play center, let the babies take a long nap, maybe have time in my studio? No, I’m doing this. I get Fiona up first, 12:30, change her diaper and put her in the car. Next Jack. We’re on our way, I’m driving faster than I should be. We make it, get to play center right at 1:00, there’s a choice of two classes starting at this time. There’s only one girl in play center, with maybe five kids. Jack starts crying. The girl wants me to put both babies in the high chairs. This takes time, Libby walks in and takes Jack. I walk out, Jack is balling. I run up the stairs feeling sad about Jack. A woman sees I’m upset and says to me, “Mommy has to work out.” She is pregnant and has a little girl with her. Yoga with Weights. Closed. 1:10, I’m too late. I check out Change it up, Closed! This sucks, I didn’t bring my swim suit. I’m not going to work out on boring cardio machines. I go back down to Play Center, Jack is still crying. Miss Fiona is playing with another little girl having a really sweet time. I grab Jack, hold him tight, “I’ll take you somewhere fun, we’ll go to the park.” I tell him.
We walk to the park, it’s not too far, it’s a beautiful day, giant trees cast shadows on the cool green grass. The babies and I are so excited to be here. We roll over to the playground, hats and shoes on. It’s their second time to this park. They run over to the play structure, it’s the perfect size for them now. Jack climbs up, examines the steering wheel, looks out holes, and heads to the top of the slide. He gets down on his bum, grabs the side of the slide and goes down all by himself! It’s so exciting, I clap my hands and jump up and down, can’t believe Jack just did that! I’m so proud of him, Fiona’s right behind him. She goes down on her tummy!
We walk back to the mall, we grab a salad and vegan mac and cheese from the new vegan restaurant. Jack loves the mac and cheese! We head home, still need to take Billy for a walk. Bottles, nursery time, the end of a day filled with all that life has to offer, disappointments, surprises, fun, and love!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 