Please let the quiet slumber of Jack and Fionas’ nap last a little longer. Give me a bit more time to relish in the peaceful sounds: the humming of the overhead fan, the creaking of the house, the fridge, chimes; sounds different and sacred, meshed together calmness I desperately need after the day I’ve had. Morning comes, as I wake to Fiona coughing incessantly, then calling out “momma, mommy, mommmy, momma”. I decide to get her, bring her upstairs with me, but as I go to the door I hear Jack crying what sounded like, “I want my pizza, I want my pizza, I want my pizza” I stood next to the door. Should I, shouldn’t I. It’s only 7:00AM. I decide to go upstairs and have my peanut butter toast and coffee first, maybe they will fall back to sleep I say to myself. Jack and Fiona quiet down and I enjoy my little morning coffee break. I make them breakfast as usual and go down to get them. They great me with smiles and stories about things they remember from the days before. Things seem normal, I’m not worried. I think about taking Fiona to the doctor for her cough, but that doesn’t stress me out. “I wanna watch Mickie Mouse” Jack starts saying. He has barely touched his breakfast, same with Fiona. I reduce my expectations, turn on Mickey Mouse and lay on the floor with the babies. We enjoy this time together, who cares if we’re learning to tune out, we’re together and we’re resting. I have a nagging, I know I can’t just stay home all day, we need groceries, I’ve been putting it off. I ask the babies if they want to go to the park. “No, no park” Jack says. I’m can’t believe it. “Do you want to go to the store?” I ask. “Yes” they do. I tell Billy “Stay here, we’re just going to the store”. We get our groceries and some new toys from T.J. Max and go home; I let both babies loose while I unload the car. I start to take things in. I start with the new toys, putting them in the babies’ bedroom, thinking it might keep them occupied while I put away the groceries and make the lunch. Right off the bat fighting occurs, “I want that!” then crying, hitting, pulling, annoying behaviors start to unfold. “Oh my god!” I say. I am looking at shredded blinds, splinters, pieces hanging off, pieces on the floor, all these thoughts running through my head: should I cut the whole thing off? How can I clean this? Who did this? Did the babies do it last night and I was too tired to notice this morning? What will Alan say? How mad will he be? Oh my God, Billy did it! She was so pissed I left her behind today. I start picking up the mess, Fiona helps me, picking up pieces of wood and putting them in the bag. I break off the broken slats of wood and roll the blind up far enough so the carnage isn’t visible. I vacuum and put the nursery back together. I hear Jack upstairs, “Oh my God!” he says. “What?” I yell. Silence. I grab Fiona, “We gotta go see what Jacks doing” I say. As I’m walking up the stairs I call out, “Jack, what are you doing?” He tells me he’s getting water. I see he’s sitting on the edge of the sink with his feet in. I put Fiona down and rush over, he has his feet right next to broken glass, I scan for red, pick up each soft, little, precious foot, no cuts. I look down and I see why he said “Oh my God”, Billy has gotten into the trash, there’s wet, stinky, coffee ground covered, banana peel, garbage strewn across the floor. I barely managed to get it swept up, lunch made and unsuccessfully served, and Jack and Fiona down for a nap before I snapped. I got them down just in time for my workout and hot shower to take the morning edge off, just in time to keep my sanity and not fall into some type of permanent fog of stress and disbelief. Just in time to realize that, that’s life, yesterday my dog was amazing, today she’s a damn bitch. Just in time to accept my children as being needy and needing my whole self, not just a portion, not just a side glance while my face plants on a screen. In time to have the break I need to appreciate life for it’s bad days, hard days, art days, and beach days. Just in time to say to myself, “I might not have time to paint today, that’s o.k., I can wait until I have time.” I hear Fiona waking now, Jack will be right behind her. I am here ready to slip into the evening routine, whether they are sick and needy or fun and healthy! I will be grateful for either and adapt to whichever it is, fully available as Mom.
Category: advice for new moms of twins
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“Momma, momma, lets go look at the fig tree” Jack says. I’m following him out to the backyard as he tells me this. “O.K. Jack I’ll be right back, wait for me”. I run into the house to tell my dinner guests, Alan, and Fiona I’m going with Jack to look at the fig tree. “O.K. Jack, here I am”. We walk out the gate and Jack says “sit here”, so we sit down on the first step that leads to the fig tree. He looks at me, “Shhh, hear that?” with a twinkle in his eye. It’s the crickets, “we can’t see them, but now we can imagine what they look like, remember we saw one on our picnic blanket when we went hiking?” I say. I’ve been using that terminology a lot lately, imagination. I appreciate this break with Jack, this moment when I can follow him, I am not telling him “no, it’s dangerous”. It’s been a particularly hard week, exhausting, a few days I wasn’t sure I could make it till the end. I was intensely fatigued, yesterday at naptime I even fell asleep with Jack and Fiona. I haven’t been in my studio since Monday, or written. The first naptime this week I watched a movie, the next day the babies fell asleep in the car and I just drove. It was surreal, I’m usually being bombarded with questions from the back seat, but I found myself just driving in quiet, it was suddenly easy to drive. I drove until they woke up and we went to a second park! That night I fell asleep in their room putting them to bed. “Come on, lets keep moving” Jack says. We get up and he leads me the opposite way of the fig tree, we walk over the little bridge, along the path at the very top of the yard. My feet walking on the steps after his little feet, both of us barefoot. I realize this doesn’t have to do with the fig tree, Jack just wanted to spend time with me alone, I am grateful. It feels good, I am relaxed, I am following. We climb down the rope I strung between two trees on the steep hillside. Jack loves this. Alan comes out and I ask where are guests are, he tells me they left, “did you expect them to wait around?” I run out front to say goodbye and luckily catch them before they leave.
This week everyday felt intense, everyone needed my attention all at once. When I didn’t have enough to give, the baby who felt they weren’t getting enough attention from me would “act out”. I didn’t have a chance, or the energy to study for my CSET. I started questioning if I could even do it, take the test, have the energy, have the energy for a “real job”. It’s hard raising twins. That doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful and filled with the gift of self-knowledge and discovery. Jack and Fiona fill my life with love that is so big, so pure, so solid, but it’s grueling work, it’s not just physical or mundane, it’s extremely intellectual, brain fatigue, especially now, now that they can talk and ask questions, their quest for knowledge in insatiable. Their quest to push the limits physically keeps me on my toes, keeps me in fight or flight mode with my heart racing, worried they will crack their heads open. Woven into the intense moments are the quiet, sweet, moments like walking in the yard with Jack or reading a book with them snuggled up beside me, or hearing their breathing change as they go from awake to sleeping at bedtimes. The thought of Jack and Fiona going to school, being apart from them for any extended period of time scares me. I will miss them so much. The thought of them growing up and not being little kids anymore makes me so sad, even with this being the hardest, most challenging job I’ve ever had.
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Oh my gosh, they’re both awake. Fiona screaming (In Joy) and Just a few minutes ago I heard a bump, or was it a thump, and then I heard Jack cry. It’s 2:06 PM Monday afternoon. I took them to Millennium Park in the morning, which is a park I avoid. It’s the most amazing park ever, but with twins on the move it scares the crap outta me. There’s huge wooden castles with tunnels and slides. There’s a toddler side and a big kid side. I can’t keep eyes on both babies. Fiona stays close to me but Jack’s always on the move. “We have to follow jack” I say to Fiona, aware that I sound and look crazy to all the moms with singletons. Life looks so simple for them. Life at the park anyhow! I pick up Fiona or take her by the hand and we go hunting. “Jack” I call, my mama holler. Usually he answers, but sometimes he doesn’t. I start to worry, I think someone has snatched him. I imagine a stranger lurking in the park, wearing a hat and sunglasses, acting like he has a kid playing at the park. He notices me, my franticness, my head turning side to side, he could snatch one of the babies in that moment, the one when I don’t see or hear Jack. Where is he? I start to panic, then someone at the park says “He’s right here” or I catch a glimpse of him up high on the play structure, and I can breathe again. They wouldn’t take a nap today. We’re outside in the back yard which we spent yesterday child proofing. It’s so beautiful out here, Bay Trees and Oak Trees, little yellow finches, a nest in the tree that sits in front of me. I can hear baby birds. I can’t see Jack, but I can hear them both. It’s a large area, with lots of steep slopes. Lots of caterpillars, potato bugs, daisies, bees, copper trees, sage, rosemary, dirt, cactus, so much to explore.
I never get to sit still for more than a few minutes. We’ve done swinging, bike riding, we swung on the hammock, I thought Fiona was going to fall asleep. I took her into the room, but she was up within two minutes. I have them sectioned in one part of the backyard, I can hear them and see them and they are fairly safe. I know this won’t last long either. I just can’t handle any more Mickey Mouse, I just want them to play on their own for a while. They should be asleep early tonight. O.K. I just broke down. I just put on an episode of Mickey Mouse, it’s 4:00PM. I just need a break. It is working for the moment, but that could change at any time. And now I’m just sitting here zoning out. I could fall asleep. I can’t believe I saw a bird nest and heard the little birds. At the park today a crow stole Fiona’s cheese right in front of us. The piece of cheese was sitting right next to her, she walked away and the crow, with its shiny black beak and little black eyes swooped down and grabbed it, carried it a foot away and started eating it, looking at us. Fiona started crying. “You have to watch your food” I told her for the millionth time. Our Dog Billy’s making out like a bandit now. She got Fiona’s whole burrito today. I need to make chicken soup for tonight’s dinner. My husband has the flu (he still went to work) and the babies need something healthy to eat. I’ll do that now, then give the babies a bath, then feed them and my husband, then put the babies to bed, then I’ll be off duty. I’ve got about four hours to go. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 