The Final Stage, the last segment, the final chapter, I don’t know what to call it, but a few decisions I’ve made in the past two months, the first one, transitioning to Veganism, and the other decision that I finalized today, to send our kids to our local homeschool, (it’s called our homeschool, but it’s not homeschool, it’s the closest public school.) that we can WALK TO!!!! Have brought me closer to the person I am inside. The true me. The me I’ve always dreamed of being, living the life I always wanted. It feels like I’ve come home. My body is so happy, and my future is filled with healthy possibilities. I am no longer dependent on my car. I don’t have to ever worry about what I’m going to eat or how I’m going to get exercise. My kids will have built in activity five days a week, we skip the whole drama of getting into the car and getting somewhere on time. My kids will meet all the neighbors that we walk by each morning. We’ll watch the leaves turn colors and drop to the ground, not through the windows of a car, but we can touch them and listen to them crunch under our feet. I can totally relax, just do Kindergarten stuff. I’m so excited. You couldn’t imagine what I’ve been through. I will write all about it! This is why I haven’t written in so LONG! I’ve been writing e-mail after e-mail, having meeting after meeting with the whole spectrum of education officials. I have learned so much. I feel like my whole being was questioned and analyzed. Questions I asked myself. Answers I received. The hardest and easiest answer to get is the one from the question you ask yourself. What do I really believe? Knowing when to trust myself, knowing when to trust others. Knowing when to compromise, knowing when to do what you know someone else wants you to do, and knowing when to stick to the plan, my plan. My mom used to always call me bossy! I’m the Boss of my life and I want to live this last chapter of my life doing good. Every decision I make now will affect the rest of my life, my happiness, my wellbeing. I need to make it count. Becoming a Vegan and choosing the Elementary school I chose bring me so close. Next project- build a garden! I want to be in my kitchen cooking vegan Lasagna from tomatoes and squash from the garden this Fall, and I want the kids to help me grow the vegis, make the lasagna and eat it!!!
Category: awkward conversations
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Hearts beat as one. Beach, cold fog drifts in, comes in waves, Ice Cold from the Pacific blows in our faces, it chills our skin, I see goose bumps on Fiona’s girl baby legs. I think to myself, but out loud, “And this is the one time I leave all the warm changes of clothes in the back of the car all the way back through the sand, up the hill, and across the terrifying road. “Jack and Fiona this is a VERY dangerous stretch of road. You could get hit.” I wonder how am I going to carry the picnic lunch, the beach towels, blanket, sand toys, floaties, diapers, wipes, sunscreen, hats, waters, and purse. I put both babies in the wagon and strap them in, pull it across the street, in between fast cars and carry three bags. We pick a spot, noticing a gazillion people to the left we go right. Jacks in regular form, he dumps out his bag of excavators by the little stream and starts playing. Fiona joins in after a few minutes. Jacks not affected by the cold gusts of fog. I watch them, squatting, touching the sand, water, using little plastic blue and red shovels, green buckets, a yellow toy excavator and dump truck. Little tiny excavators too. Fiona runs into the stream and falls face first. She jumps up and cries, face red, a cold burst of wind hits her, she looks at me, I run over, grab her with a towel warm from the sun, I take off all her wet clothes and diaper and redress her, covering with the towel. Jack comes over and we eat seaweed, cherries, hummus, tortilla chips, and drink water. Jack wants to go over and play with these kids building dams in the stream. I take the babies over there, “Is it weird I’m the only adult here?” I think and possibly say out loud to Jack and Fiona. There’s nothing I can do. The kids seem cool; I think they’re locals. They start talking to us, showing us a jelly fish in a bucket. They tell me it’s still alive but it’s broke up into tons of slimy parts. “It will form new jellyfish from all the little parts” this kid tells me. “Really? I didn’t know that”. Another kid tells me they are all homeschooled. A little girl comes over and tells her two-and-a-half-year-old brother, “Come on Vander, mom doesn’t want you talking to strangers”, but he doesn’t listen, he just keeps enjoying playing with Jacks excavator, which I had to convince Jack to let the kid play with. Now I’m feeling even stranger. But I don’t know what I could have done, either not let Jack play with the kids or not go over there and just tell Jack “Go on, go play with them and I’ll wait here.” A woman walks over to me, maybe Vander is her son? I assume she’s someone’s mom. She points out one of her kids, he is the one who broke up the Jelly Fish, she tells me she has three more somewhere, she’s taught kindergarten four times, homeschooled all her kids. “Today is community day for our homeschool group. All these kids know each other; we meet once a week. We’re from Vacaville.” She says. “Oh, really, that’s cool. Do you have a teaching credential?” I ask. “No” She says. She went on to tell me how they do it, that they still have to take the standardized tests, and that she likes it because she gets to bring her faith into it. I felt connected to her and repelled by her at the same time in equal portions. I wondered if she was voting for Trump and if she taught her kids creationism, what did she tell her kids about the ocean? Does she wonder if I’m a Christian too? I felt myself getting close to a magnet or a sink hole, being drawn in. I imagined her life, perfect. Her being the perfect mother and wife. I asked her “Do you ever get breaks? How do you do it, how you teach four different grades and make dinner and cook?” She said it’s hard, but that “God provides us with what we need”
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My stomach aches from all the yogurt covered pretzals, brittle and chocolate truffle I ate mindlessly stuffing the sickly sweet crunchy pieces of candy into my mouth. I almost had a cup of coffee too, but I refrained and had a cup of stress reliever instead. I’m in my studio, fan on, maybe I should turn it off, it’s loud. Yes, that’s better. My babies are taking a nap, sweet little creatures. My Mother in Law is here from Ireland. She hasn’t seen the babies since they were six months old. They are behaving quite nicely so far. They appreciated the gifts she sent and are enjoying her company. We all sat and had coffee and tea and above mentioned treats, but then it was quiet time, nap time, painting time. I need to let everyone know, all the holiday visitors, people on vacation, husband, during naptime the house shuts down. The kitchen is closed. I’ll be in my studio. Otherwise I might go crazy, plus I have a lot of work to do. The Global Art Project is in full swing. We’ve got several shows next year and lots of work to do both independently and collaboratively.
Thats exciting.
My Blunder was writing about how I felt the other day when I felt bombarded by the comments about the hair cuts when I dropped Jack and Fiona off to school. I upset someone and I am sorry about that. I didn’t mean it personally. I felt the way I felt and I tried to understand why. I tried to write about it. It was an observation on societal norms I guess, the way girls are supposed to look with long curly hair, pretty, and boys should just look like boys. I wish it wasn’t like that. I get defensive and insecure when I feel like people are questioning my decisions I make. It’s weird. Maybe I allow it by being so inquisitive, maybe it’s mistaken as a weekness, or as if I need help making decisions.Why am I going down this road? I end this here.
I can hear the babies on the monitor upstairs talking to Maureen and Lindsay. I feel like I Should be up there with them, but I have to clean this studio first! I will turn off the monitor and turn on some music and get this ship back in order!
