The dark shadow under the eastern side of the oak tree catches my attention as I sit here and ponder the question, “What do I have to do right now?” The babies are on a special day away at their babysitters’ house until 5:00pm today. I’ve spent the morning painting and working in my studio, getting work started on new stretched canvas, acrylic, working on the same painting over and over again, changing it and changing it, starting new work on paper with brown ink, teal acrylic paint, magenta, and pencil. Working on the collab canvas piece I’m bringing to Carl tomorrow, getting work ready for the unframed work on paper exclusive sale at Fourth Wall Gallery, $250 each. I still need to type up my information for each piece, like titles! Which I need to think about. I need to take Billy for a walk and take a shower. I’d rather sit here and write for a while and relax until I need to go pick up the babies. So what do I have to do right now? Am I asking the right question? What do I want to do right now? What can I do right now? What if I got lost between those three questions and sat here paralyzed, unable to move? In an alternate universe. Is the world shifting? Or am I shifting? Echoes of a basketball hitting the ground and the rim, motorcycles on the freeway, a blue jay squawking, car door shutting, front door slams, crow caws in. The world keeps on shifting and so do I. This morning I got sad. It was such a deep feeling I sat with it for a minute. It surprised me. Jack and Fiona were sitting in the kitchen, cheerios, toast, and milk in front of them. I said, “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.” I’m sitting on the toilet and I hear a squabble then something fall. Then laughing, then more things spilling and falling. I can barely wipe my butt, I run to the kitchen and see milk, cheerios, cups, bowls, and toast thrown all over the place. Babies covered in milk. House just cleaned yesterday. As I see this mess my heart sinks, I feel as though I’m going to cry. “Get out of the kitchen” I say. “That really made me sad, that was bad, it’s not funny” They continue laughing for a minute then hide in their tent. Then Jack walks out and acts like he’s going to pee on the floor! I say “NO, go potty in the toilet” I cleaned up the mess and when they asked for more toast and cheerios I said “No, you should have eaten your breakfast, it’s in the garbage now”.
Category: be kind to yourself
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12:09 Monday afternoon. Nice summer day, babies eating lunch, watching a movie, “Inside Out”, Brilliant movie! I’m leaning in, watching a few clips, trying to get motivated to pick up the house, do some dishes, feed the dog. We spent the whole weekend home, playing outside in the yard, in the sandbox, playing with trucks, painting, in fact watching Fiona paint reminds me of honest mark making, spontaneous, experimental, everything I hold sacred. The browns she creates, beautiful. The mess she makes, unbelievable! The mess that I sit here in front of right now, the mess that is always growing, getting bigger. I can’t control it. Especially when I’m alone. It’s not possible. I say this as Jack dances on the table naked, picks up a handful of fries and throws them on the floor. He grabs another handful and eats them. My dog climbs onto the table to finish off the plates of food. My son climbs off the table and pees on the floor. I think about all the puppies I’ve had, how Jack’s like a little puppy. But a puppy I would scold, say, “bad puppy, go outside to go potty” But when Jack or Fiona do it, I just say, “Oh no! Why didn’t you go to the potty?” But I know the answer already, at least one of the answers, they don’t want to stop playing! They’re only two and a half, they probably don’t have the control and quick response needed to get to the toilet, but they also don’t want to wear diapers anymore. I picked up two poops in the backyard yesterday, one Jack, one Fiona. Then sprayed off their butts! Lucky it’s summer! At nap times they take off their diapers and jump in their pee. I’ve been thinking about putting tape around their diapers to keep them on. But I wonder is that taking something away from their natural development? I tend to look at all things they do in that way, especially messes. Tantrums and annoying whining behavior I have zero tolerance for, I’m getting good at navigating those, but the making messes and taking off their diapers and painting on their bodies, that stuff just seems normal to me. It also feels draining when I try to control their every move and not let them mess up the house! I don’t know, it’s just so much work!
It sounds like they actually fell asleep! I can exercise and take a shower, maybe get some picking up done. Maybe fit in a painting session. Fionas inspired me to paint!
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Getting away, up in the fog, on the coast. Red Ants and sand. River, butterflies, dragon flies, flutter, land on Fionas shoulder. Sun on my back, is it too much? Moving from a sunny spot to a shady spot. Soft sand or hard hot rocks. Pollywogs and tiny little frogs. Swimming a fish jumps out of the water. Listening to the birds sing, feel the sea breeze as it moves up the river bringing gusts of icy cold air. Babies playing with sand and water. Sound of the brook, paradise again. So easy to find paradise in nature. No news, no politics, just positivity.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 