Saturday night, 7:45PM I hear a wail from Jack, I go down to the nursery and Fiona’s awake too. I think maybe they are hungry. I make two new bottles, they didn’t finish their bedtime bottles but I threw them away. They sip on the bottles but are more excited I am here. They smile at me, stick their little hands out the crib, I touch their hands and they laugh. I go back upstairs and jack cries again. Maybe they’re hungry? This is very uncharacteristic of them, they usually go to sleep at 6:45 with no problems. I bring down two food packets, they both eat them. I go back upstairs to finish watching Wentworth. Jack starts crying again. I give it five minutes but he doesn’t stop. I go down to the nursery and this time pick him up. His nose is a little stuffed up, maybe he’s getting sick? I lay down on the futon with him on my chest, all 28 pounds of him. His weight presses down on me, almost being too much to be comfortable at all, but he’s relaxed. He never does this, not anymore anyhow. When jack and Fiona were infants I held them on my chest doing skin to skin at every feeding and any other chance I could get. Jack nuzzles his head right over my heart, it reminds me of the nurses telling me babies gravitate to the heart. They want to hear the heartbeat. I remember being scared that they wouldn’t be able to hear my heartbeat, that my heart didn’t pump strong enough. I thought “what if they try to sync up with my heartbeat and they die because they can’t feel it?” I try to put Jack back in his crib. He wails, I lay down in my own bed telling him, “Mommy’s right here.” It doesn’t work, he keeps crying. It’s after ten now, everyone’s tired. I bring him in our bed. He is intrigued by the shadows on the ceiling. He keeps pushing me closer to the edge of the bed. I decide to get the play and pack, I put a super soft blanket in it and place it at the foot of our bed. We turn off the lights and he starts crying again. This won’t work. My husband and I decide he’s well enough to sleep in his own crib and we all need our sleep! I put jack in his own bed and say “Goodnight”. I get back in my bed, he cries, it’s really hard to listen to, but I let him cry. It only lasts a few minutes this time and he falls asleep. YEA! Sometimes it truly is necessary to let babies cry it out!
Category: be kind to yourself
-
I’ll lay it on its side. I shouldn’t be doing this. Wait until Alan gets home to help. Jacks been running up the backrest of the recliner sticking his toes in the indentations like he’s rock climbing. I’m afraid he’s going to go over the top and land on his head. The chair’s located in the only “child safe area” but I’m beginning to doubt it’s possible for such a place to exist. I have to move the chair. I lay it on its side. Push it up the small set of stairs, and down the hall. Jack and Fiona are in their high chairs whining to get out. I have to move a heavy couch out of the room I’m putting the chair in. Again I think, “Wait until Alan gets home to help you.” I can’t. “Stop thinking about moving the furniture.” I’m obsessed. I need to use self-control. “Just let it go” but I can’t. I move the couch back, strain my muscle and scratch the floor. Dumb. I’m trying not to be hard on myself, but that really was dumb. Why couldn’t I just wait for Alan to get home? Why did it NEED to be done right then?
There are three pieces of furniture left in the family room. A couch, that should be able to stay for the duration of this stage of the babies lives. This crazy dangerous climbing, running, stage. The ottoman, which may need to go once they can push it and use it to climb onto the top of the stairwell. And one tall, round coffee table that when left too close to the couch Jack climbs on. My heart starts to race just writing about it. I need to get a bunch of boxes and start packing everything away. Even things on the highest shelves. Especially things on the highest shelves. When they see something they want they will figure out a way to get to it. They are too fast, really fast. My tactic lately is hold one and pull one by the arm. If I don’t have contact with both babies as we travel through the house they go off to find things, find doors I forgot to shut, cabinets I forgot to lock. The other day Jack had a bottle of stainless steel polish in his mouth. I said, “Oh my god Jack!” I grabbed it and put it back in the cabinet. I walk away for one minute to get Fiona or a diaper, I can’t remember which and he’s got the same bottle again! It’s poison! It should be locked in the cleaning supply closet. Along with who knows how much other dangerous stuff scattered around the house.
I know it’s hard and challenging with multiple children of any age, but I think having two fifteen month olds takes the cake. I did run into a neighbor who has a baby the same exact age and she said he’s not walking yet. Now that would be a different story for sure. But Jack and Fiona are running, not walking, running. And Fiona has a knack for going the opposite direction I want her to, unless she wants something. At least jack still comes to me when I hold my arms out. The other day Fiona took off her hearing aids, I started walking towards her to get them, she starting running away from me, stuffing one of the hearing aids in her mouth, turning her face away and closing her mouth tight. I thought she was going to swallow it and choke. I was so scared. I grabbed her and scooped out the hearing aid.
I’m finding it hard to relax, maybe because we’ve been homebound for a week. No breaks, no Yoga, bad colds, and lots of new developmental stuff. I don’t like my new role of saying “NO” and “NO” over and over again. It’s really exhausting. “Be careful you’re gonna crack your noggin!” I say over and over again. I know this phase of development will be one of the most challenging. It’s also probably the longest phase too. Welcome to Toddlerhood.
-
I’m really liking my new attitude. I’m feeling much more relaxed by taking the pressure off myself. The idea of living an un-edited life is working for me. Yesterday I had to paint. I went into my studio, prepped the paper, had the colors in my mind already, and laid down the marks. One idea. I had to keep reminding myself to “STOP”. Walk away. This is a brilliant skill I’m learning.
I pulled my neck muscle yesterday, another warning sign. Even at my reduced activity schedule with focus on relaxation and just being present I was still moving too fast.
The babies and I have been having lots of fun. I made another successful dinner last night everyone enjoyed. A chicken soup with ginger, cilantro, carrots, sweet bell peppers, and potatoes. Jack and Fiona loved it, they practiced using their forks and spoons. They drank the broth out of the bowl. I felt proud that my babies ate a healthy meal. It’s difficult at this age. Most meals are quesadillas and berries.
I have to be honest, the babies just went down for their nap, 8:25am. I’m on episode 4 of “Secrets and Lies”. I’m addicted to that show and I want to watch one more episode while they take a nap. Old me, and nagging me says, “But you should paint.” Or do something productive. Or write a better Blog Post! But the me that is learning to treat myself kindly and give myself a longer leash says watch another episode!
Although the babies are not yet sleeping. They only took one nap yesterday, they did this, babbling, playing, laughing. and wound each other up. My plan may totally fail today.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 