It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve written. With an erratic nap schedule, erratic moods, erratic everything, erratic everything, I’ve given myself permission to lay off the S.O.P. and go with the flow of energy, absorbing the mind fatigue like a sponge in milk. Like the sponge I use daily to wipe up all the dirt and grime spread evenly through our house and car like green grass on the spring hills. My insides feeling pressure and pain as I battle like a trooper searching for relaxation, light, time, and a clearing of the fog of drama that has entered my delicate soul. True inconsistences between me and other parts of my world, the big beautiful cluster fuck of reality. But I sit here now within the fire, the burning of my bra, they did it for a reason you know, not just to protest for women’s freedom, but also because bras wrap tight around the ribs, digging in, leaving a red mark, insulating toxins, growing cancer, they knew it was just an extension of the Chasity belt. I’m not playing their games anymore, the games of patriarchy. That is what this comes down to for me, that erratic unease, unrest, dis-satisfaction with the system, with reality. My fight goes way beyond student loan reimbursements, I mean am I gonna get a refund for working full time, putting myself through college, will I get a refund of the money I used from my savings account that I paid for graduate school with? Fuck a phone call buzzing on my stupid IPhone, now my conversation is broken, now I have to check my message. What I’m proposing is a respect for myself. For my practice. I cannot be on-call. I propose a total respect for women. I want all the judgements about people based on their appearances, their dress, to go away. I want people to get off the fucken band wagon and think for themselves, I want the ugliness to go away. I want women to finally be viewed and treated as human, not sex objects, I want women to be able to walk around braless anytime anywhere without it meaning anything, it’s not slutty or dykey, or trashy. It’s our body. The only reason that our bodies are looked at in this way is because of advertisement, brainwashing, Barbie’s, look at what the world has done to women. We’ve been used and now we are paying for it. The bra has to go. Only wear during exercise when you don’t want jumping squirrels in your tops. It’s bullshit.
Category: being a mom and an artist
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Fiona is learning three languages at once, “see sign”, ASL, and English, so is Jack but “spoken English” comes naturally to Jack because he can hear. Fiona on the other hand has to pay attention to every word spoken or signed. And that’s just learning the word, not the context, she has to pay attention long enough and watch the person talking long enough to get enough of the word meanings, then she has to remember it all, because when she’s in the other room or her back is facing me she doesn’t understand or hear what I’m saying. She may hear a noise, but not words and phrases. Jack on the other hand can hear if I say the word “cookie” and he’s in the living room watching cartoons. I think this is why Fiona always wants to be close to me or Lindsay, or any adult around.
I am learning “see sign” and ASL, I’ve been taking lessons in “see sign” at Early Start and ASL with Lindsay. It’s alot and sometimes my brain shuts down and I can’t remember my signs. My goal is to be fluent by fall, Fiona will be three next year and it’s always been very important to me that she grows up with a strong foundation in ASL. I’d like the whole family to be fluent, but Alan hasn’t jumped on board.It’s been challenging to stay calm, in the moment, remember my sign language, And take care of Jack and Fiona at the same time, because they are two years old and there’s two of them! They Need discipline, because they are getting up to some CRAZY things lately, they are also learning the art of mommy manipulation! “My leg” limp, limp! “Oh my gosh Jack, are you ok? Does it hurt really bad?” “No” he says. Not cool Jack, not cool!
I haven’t had much time to write or paint in the past couple of weeks. But I painted these two yesterday in response to Donald Trump and all the other Republicans talking about womens rights and freedoms.
I think everyone should just plaster pictures of vaginas everywhere. They are so scared of vaginas. I say DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!! ( I’m OK with Bernie being president though because he understands that vaginas and uteruses are a womans responsibility, thanks Bernie!)I still love Hilary too and think she rocks! I listened to the interview with her and Rachel Maddow and was once again relieved to hear SOMEONE talking about important things and The REALITY of the current situation in the WORLD. She sounds smart and amazing in my opinion. I started watching Bernies interview too but need to finish. He just seems like a really nice guy.
It’s Saturday morning, babies awake now! We’re headed to Oakland to check out the Terry Hoff show at Fourth Wall Gallery.
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Hi, it’s me again. 7:30 AM Friday morning. Jack and Fiona will be up any minute, but right now I am enjoying quietness, hot coffee, and sunflower butter on toast. It’s been another wild week. Its possible Jack is phasing out of naps. Yesterday when we got home from Early Start (school) I put Jack upstairs in the guestroom, he seemed tired, I thought he would definitely take a nap. AS I was putting Fiona in the nursery two doggies came running in. They are my neighbor’s dogs, the cutest little things, and I knew they were friendly with kids because the owners have three kids. So I let Fiona hang out with them in the nursery for a few minutes and I got some cuddles in myself! Such sweet doggies, Billy’s a sweet girl but she’s not cuddly, she’s like a wolf dog, always on the job. Plus, she’s always covered in poison oak! After a few minutes I tell Fiona, “Time for your nap”, she starts crying, “My doggie”, “Fiona, we have to put the doggies out, those aren’t your doggies, they’re the neighbors’ doggies” Crying, “My Dog”, “That’s not your doggie” “Mine, mine, mine” “Awww, you want those puppies? Aww they aren’t your doggies; come on puppies you have to go home.” “Puppy, puppy, puppy” “They’re not our doggies, I’m going to leave the puppies out here” “No, NO, NO” As the doggies exit the garage I start laughing and so does Fiona! I put her back in the nursery to take her nap and she bawls. I tell her “I need to eat” then she says, “Me Eat” so I bring her down a yogurt pack and piece of cheese. She cries but does fall asleep.
I come upstairs, pour some granola over yogurt, go down to my studio, paint with one hand, scoop yogurt in my mouth with the other hand. I can hear banging on the floor. I get scared, what if Jack learned how to open doors. I go upstairs and Jack’s still in his room but says “Mama”, he’s wide awake. “Are you tired?” “No” he says. “you’re not going to take a nap?”, “No”. “O.K.” I let him out, he wants to watch bear, “O.K., you can watch bear and mommies going to do her exercises.” We cancelled our gym membership this month so we can save money. So I’m working out at home, I was going to do it while the babies took their nap or before they woke up! But now, while they watch T.V.! After I exercise, it’s 3:00, time for Fiona to get up. I go down and wake her up, she only had an hour nap, she would have slept longer but then she would be up late! Now that both babies are up things get crazy. First is food! They eat outside in the lawn, I give them fish sticks, O’s, berries, cereal, chocolate covered pretzels, they eat it all. I go back and forth between my studio and upstairs. I have the baby gate open and the garage door open so the babies can find me easily. They come down and Gasp! I’m painting faces, paints all over my hands. Jack starts moving the press back and forth. “I need to teach you how to print” I say. The babies are examining my studio, watching me be crazy and talk to myself. It’s dangerously cool. I finally “Finish” two pieces. I clean my hands and brushes. The babies are getting into the house paint closet, looking at golf balls and wooden tee’s, super excited, like they are on a treasure hunt. It takes me awhile to pry them back upstairs. When I get upstairs I notice milk and cereal spilt all over the good table. I say to myself, “This is what happens when I let toddlers free roam!”
But then Fiona grabs a piece of paper towel and starts cleaning up her mess. I say, “Do you want mommies help?” I go to help, she says “No” and continues cleaning. I control my natural urge to clean it good and let Fiona do her thing. She comes to me when she’s done! I tell her how much I appreciate her initiative and that she’s helping mommy, and realize this is the other part of letting toddlers free roam!
After I put the babies to bed last night I still had to clean the WHOLE house, dishes, toys, vacuuming. I didn’t sit down until 9:00PM! When I did I couldn’t believe I wrote in the morning, spent mid-morning at Early Start, most of it in our parents’ support group, exercised, painted, had absolutely no time to myself, I couldn’t even take a shower alone because Fiona wanted to take a shower with me! But when I sat down I was amazed at all that I had done in the past thirteen hours, but I know I couldn’t keep up this pace! Or could I? Anyhow The babies are awake now! It’s already 8:00AM. Oh and this weekend is my birthday!!! I’m going to be forty-five years old!!! Can you believe it?! I can’t!
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 