Why did they leave these stupid, delicious, star shaped, yogurt covered, white with red and green frosting, pretzels here? I should have double checked to make sure my brother and his girlfriend took them for their treacherous, tedious, drive down south. I would die if I had to drive to LA with Jack and Fiona today, Christmas eve, (for some) but traffic doesn’t care what holiday someone celebrates. The stores don’t care, craziness infiltrates every corner of life this time of the year. There’s no avoiding it. But there is avoiding the roads, that is what I choose. It just sucks that I can’t see all the people I love. I feel more connected to the people I love dead and alive today. Right now, And myself. It’s almost time to put the babies to bed for a nap. But will they go to sleep? They are so excited and so spoiled. But still sweet and love giving presents too. They may not want to sleep. They’ve been singing “Santa Claus is coming to town” constantly. Jack rocks out (Rock and Roll baby) Fiona sings Santa Claus is Not coming to town”, and Alan and I argue about what to tell the babies about Santa, Is he coming or not? I think Jack and Fiona already know that adults give presents, Santa is pretend, but Alan thinks we can fool them and I’m always the one to let it slip. It’s pretty funny. The luxuries. Christmas is all about indulging. Last night the waiter asks us if we want a bucket. I thought he meant something to throw up in, but he meant to say a booster seat. All is good. Babies definitely not taking a nap, “Mickey Mouse Once Upon Christmas” again!
Category: being an athiest
-
Moment of quiet, Saturday afternoon. Feeling warm and cozy on this rainy day. Alan took Jack and Fiona to Playland and Chinese food. I stay home to clean and exercise. I still have a pile of laundry, pots, pans and cutting boards to clean. I’ve exercised and showered. To let the whole day go without some quiet reflection would be a shame. I need more time, in my studio, working on my paintings and books; I accept the moment I have now. I gorge on prosciutto, cheddar cheese, persimmon, and a few bites of Pumpkin cheese cake. My belly aches now. I want a cup of coffee, it’s already almost 1:00pm. Maybe half a cup won’t hurt? Deep breath. It’s anxiety of alone time running out. I have to keep the brakes on, stay calm. Stay present. Accept my returning family with an open heart.
Monday, 3:01PM. Time almost out again. Babies will wake up from nap soon, husband will be home soon. Need to go grocery shopping. Need to make dinner. Haven’t had enough alone time lately. Maybe I should go to the grocery store now. Sacrifice writing. Alan will be upstairs soon, babies awake. Maybe I can’t write again today.
Tuesday, 3:39PM. House quiet. Babies sleeping. Kettle on. Chamomile Lavender tea and pear and gorgonzola salad. I am changing my life. No more drinking coffee after morning has passed, no more binge eating chocolate and eating bowls of cereal. It’s deep breathing, chamomile tea, and salads. I’ve never self-medicated with food before, but this last depressive episode, after the election I started eating tons of sweets, I did it on purpose. Today I pick Jack and Fiona up from school. Fiona has a fever. She has been asleep since 1:00PM. Jack has a melt down because we can’t go to the park, as we planned. At first I Let him watch Mickey Mouse and stay up, I feel bad he is so disappointed. He wants to watch another show, I say “Not now”. Jack has a major meltdown, I put him in his room and shut the door. He cries for a few minutes, then falls asleep. I’m worried that he might be getting the fever too. I will not let this defeat me. I am tired of being stressed and depressed.
Christmas is everywhere already. As I walk through the stores today, wasting time before I have to pick up Jack and Fiona, there are sparkly trees and cute doggy ornaments. Things that are happy, but they still make me sad. Maybe even more now, this year. First, I feel the feeling of loss, missing my mom, then guilt, feeling I am not cheery enough about Santa for my family, then more sadness about the state of the world, all the people suffering. I double my dose of anti-depressants for the time being. It’s just hard right now.
I had time in my studio yesterday, the only place I feel I am making real progress. My books make me happy, like Santa Claus makes some people happy. My large canvas paintings are making real headway. I start having a breakdown, in suck territory on them, then I push and push and push, finding a new place, a surprise. The notebooks help me get there. I need time in my studio today. I have no time. That’s o.k. I will survive. I need to check on Fiona. I hope she is feeling better. It’s still super quiet in the house. The sky is starting to turn from day to night, the days shorter and shorter. I hear an airplane overhead, motorcycles on the freeway, kids playing at the park. It’s almost December. This year will be over soon, Jack and Fiona will be three years old. Another reminder, passing of time. It’s easy not to notice the starkness without kids; but the way babies turn into kids in the blink of an eye is startling. A reminder every moment counts.
-
November engulfs me. It enchants me, spider webs, dampness, creepy crawlies, the cold achy sad bones, memories. Sad ones and happy ones. Mostly quiet ones. Make a few changes, put in the effort. Two paper plate turkey’s look at me with bobble eyes, the dishwasher hums. I worry about my time running out. I worry about what’s ahead of me again. Christmas. I am not a Christmas person. Last year it was definitely cute, seeing Jack and Fiona open their presents. All the sentiment was good. I did the Christmas tree two years in a row. It was beautiful and fun to decorate, see everyone’s excitement. The tree was up last year for two days until Jack and Fiona pulled of the lights and started biting the bulbs. I don’t want to go through what will surely be worse this year. I’m trying to minimize stress; as it is, I feel I’m telling Jack and Fiona “no” all day long. A tree will times that by 100!
I had a fascinating time in my studio today. Although I barely made to my studio day; and almost gave it away by making it a “special day away with Mommy”, (I came to my senses), I painted in blues, forms disappeared into the background. I realized it had been too long since I have painted. Was it Monday? Yesterday was Zoo day. Jack couldn’t wait to see the gorillas and Fiona kept asking to go to the “Family Farm”. Jack looked at the gorillas in all three viewing spots. He was quiet and respectful and observed for a long time. He even stayed behind the rope, after I remined him a few times. We pet, brushed, and fed the goats. We saw: Giraffes, Zebras, Ostriches, monkeys, flamingos, beetles, tarantulas. They played on the playground. It has every different type of slide, climbing structure, tunnels, swings, nets, imaginable. I remember parts of the playground, not that long ago that scared me. I had to stay close by the babies. Mainly carrying Fiona to follow Jack. Yesterday I lost sight of one kid or another several times. I wasn’t afraid of them falling and getting hurt. I tried to keep track as much as possible, but it was really difficult. They were fine.
The other night Jack and Fiona told me they needed to go poop. “O.K. I said, staying in the kitchen. At first it sounded normal. I wondered if I should check up on them, but gave them the benefit of the doubt. I hear laughing, I go in and Fiona has a tiny little piece of toilet paper wiping the toilet seat, which has a thin smear of poop all over it. There is a pile of poop on the floor and poop and pee in the porta potty. Jack is standing in the sink washing poop off his butt.
Jack just called me. They are awake now. Nap Time is over. I am thankful for naptime paintings and writings.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 