Sick again. Then better. Then sick. Then better. A roller-coaster. Non-stop dishes; complaining re-wires the mind, it makes you more prone to anxiety and depression, I read this on-line. The pile grows, minute after minute, day after day. It causes me anxiety. There’s nothing I can do about it. I feel overwhelmed domesticity-wise. It’s hard for me to handle the constant talking, my name being called from all which ways, 360 degrees around my head, non-stop. The pulling in this direction and that. The mess after mess, Jack and Fiona growing up into actual people, whole people I need to clean up after. There’s no containing the mess, or trying to “keep up with it”, no, it just barrels out, the minute you think you’ve got it all under control, KaBoom! It’s like a hurricane went through the house. I can’t tell how exhausted I am from this whole ordeal. (of being a parent). Or if it’s the beginning of menopause and my hormones are changing drastically, leaving me unable to be the “Good Housewife”. I’ve said this before; it’s back breaking work. It’s intellectual too. Sometimes I’m bombarded with so much talking, mood switches, fighting, whining, asking, grabbing, calling my name, my mind goes blank. I can’t remember names of common zoo animals. Spaghetti brain. Then the constant anxiety over the election, pure fright. Do I need something stronger? Something to numb my body and my senses? A costume? A disguise? Fake it till I make it? Does my stomach hurt from stress or hormones? Or is it real? Are all feelings real? How do we honor ourselves and how we are feeling when we are under a heavy pile of dirty laundry? Too heavy to pick up, too massive to just “get it done”. These are feelings that go through my mind and body. Things I say that get taken out of context, another problem when you’re raw. Is it a shared feeling? A shared sense of being? It’s noon, Monday November 7, 2016. Tomorrow is the election. We will see if some of my discomfort will go away after tomorrow (If Hilary wins). If Trump wins, I just don’t know. It will be a very sad and difficult day for me, for a lot of people.
Category: Domesticity
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I feel optimistic today, I feel a change coming, a collective shift in our shared conciousness. All week I’ve been scared shitless about Donald Trump and his followers. The racists coming out of the woodworks has me reeling. To think if Trump wins, the people holding the Hitler signs will have validation, (in thier minds). But This morning I have a feeling that he WILL NOT WIN. TRUMP WILL NOT BECOME OUR PRESIDENT. I had insomnia last night, as I lay awake, fears of raising my two kids for the next four years of their life under a Trump government, during the collapse of America as we know it. All the progress that’s been made, down the drains. The economy, dire. But NO, I have faith there are enough people VOTING for HILARY CLINTON to not let that happen!!!
I was sick again this week, I missed my own art opening last night, which totally sucked. It’s been a rough week, again. (I read a headline that says “complaining rewires your brain, making you more prone to depression and anxiety”) , but the week really was hard. Both babies sick again, then me and Alan. Jack going through a whining and hitting phase. Fiona’s still my angel! ( waiting for the three’s to hit her) I didn’t get many breaks , two days no naps. I finally got in my studio yesterday, which was awesome! This is the first I’ve written in a week. I’m feeling a lot better now.
Today will be a good day. A busy day, family day at Early Start(Fiona’s school) and a wedding to go to! But I’m feeling optimistic! I’m sending out positive vibes!
HILARY FOR PRESIDENT!!
VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!
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Seven A.M., house still quiet. Jacks called “mama” a few times. “just a minute Jack” I say. I need a few more minutes. It’s been a hell of a couple of weeks, my body. Before me it was Fiona, Jack, my husband, I’ve been inundated with sickness. The first round was a respiratory virus. Fiona coughed so much and for so long I thought she had asthma. Then Jack got it, then two weeks ago I got it. Extremely painful virus, whole body aches and chest excruciating. Then my husband had the worst stomach virus, his lasted ten days. Jack and Fiona got small versions of it, I’m on day six, can’t eat food, drink anything without repercussions. Terrible stomach pains, just awful. I’ve started telling the babies, “Mommies sick” because sometimes, I just can’t move. I think they are starting to understand. I have a lot of sympathy for people with chronic stomach problems and health problems in general. It sucks. I am lucky, I will get better eventually. My body will feel good again. My poor intestines will flush out these nasty bugs and be healthy again, be able to nourish my body again. These past several weeks will be a distant, fading, memory.
I look around, toys scatter the floor from yesterday. I smile instead of stress. Just let it be. Conserve energy. My work is done for SIMPATICO, my studio is clean. My studio visit from the gallery owner is today. I feel like, once this bug is finally out of my system I can start fresh. I can work on a new series, eat super healthy! Learn to let things be, not control my environment. Conserve energy. Conserve energy. Conserve energy. Maybe start meditating again. I don’t wanna run myself ragged. I want to be one of those really mellow healthy vegan people. With a clean closet. That’s always been my dream. I think we should all be vegetarians in my family at least. My husband would never. Last night the moon was so big. Jack and Fiona brought out all the cushions from the couch onto the deck, laid them out like beds, laid down and covered up. The crickets were chirping loud. “Are you guys going to sleep out here under the moonlight?” I asked. “Yes” they told me. But it smelt like skunk, so we all decided to go back in the house.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 