Category: hope for civilization

Sunday Morning

May 16th, 2021
Good morning! I hope you can rest today. There’s a lot going on it the world today, a lot going on here in America. But it’s Sunday.

I have started my final push to prepare for the Multiple Subject CSET. I finished studying for the Language, English, and writing section now I’m moving on to History. I think I slept through every History class I had in high school. I only remember my teacher putting on movies of WWII. I don’t think I had very good teachers.

In Junior college I had an interesting American history class. My teacher was a First Peoples and spent most of our class time talking about freeing Leonard Peltier. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Peltier

He would rush through the text book and give us multiple choice question tests that somehow the majority of the students would have copies of beforehand. There was a lot of cheating going on. I learned a lot about the police and Leonard Peltier but not much else.

I hope I can absorb enough History to pass the CSET History section! Then I will move onto Math and Science. Which I think I will do fine after refreshing my memory, I took many science classes because originally I was planning on going to nursing school. It’s a lot to study and remember but I’m enjoying it.

My next pre-requisite psychology of adolescents starts in two weeks. I’m excited for that class! That will help me prepare for the human development portion of the multiple subject CSEST.

I’m feeling confident and grounded today. I feel I can dig deeper with eating healthier, my fitness, and my studies. I feel like I can get the laundry done and the groceries bought. I feel like I can find time to get back in my studio starting this week.

On a side note I realized I’ve gotten a vaccination every month for the past three months snd I have two more to go! 2 covid vaccinations starting March 20th, then a TDAP, then this week an MMR and Chicken Pox, and next month I have to take my second MMR and chicken pox vaccine! crazy huh! My immunity is revving up big time!

I feel pretty good though, no lasting side effects. I’m so thankful we have vaccines. I am concerned about the world and think America and any government who can should send help and vaccines to all countries around the world. I’m disturbed that America has it so good and we still have people who flaunt our success and take for granted the work it took to get here. I think it’s crazy we have to bribe people to get vaccinated here when countries around the world desperately want and need vaccines! It makes me very uncomfortable. I am also uncomfortable with the mask situation. Obviously if people don’t believe in vaccines or even covid why would they continue to wear masks even if they are not vaccinated? They won’t. Its going to be strange going in public now. I think I would still wear a mask inside? My kids have to, they aren’t protected.

Its a tricky situation. Good Luck on your end no matter your situation. We can only hope that people follow common sense. We can also hope that America and other wealthy nations realize we live in a global society and that they help as much as they can all the countries suffering in the world.
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The joys of a Pandemic

September 5th, 2020
It feels like there are so many major problems right now, the coronavirus everywhere. I’ve come to accept I most likely will become infected sooner or later no matter how isolated I remain and how carefully masked and hand washed I continue to be. Our lives in survival mode on a Zoom check in schedule that stretches from AM to PM daily. I’ve turned off the news I’ve ceased to look up information on the coronavirus. When I watch TV I binge watch a show on Netflix called “locked Up”. I am busy homeschooling, imagine how many of us are?

Fresh caution tape wraps the park. Maybe its for the best to deter our restless hearts and limit our risk to the virus that much more. We are locked up in a prison. The blinds are all down, I’ve rolled yoga mats under doors where I see the light from outside. There is an excessive heat wave and another flex alert. There’s a sky full of smoke that comes in and out of the valley.

We stay indoors away from the heat, the virus, the smoke, insulated and safe in our own prisons.

“Anger is powerless, be courageous instead” was the mantra of my morning meditation. Anger is powerless. We will be courageous and survive this time. We will come out stronger and know what it means to be courageous.
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Process of Greif

November 16th, 2016
Process of Grief. “I feel so depressed” I say to myself. “I’m so tired” I say as I yawn a big mouth yawn. Trying to exercise, to eat, to stay up past 7:30pm, to not snap at my children. Take a deep breath. In the nose, out the mouth. “Why am I saying these things to myself, about myself?” It’s not normal? Is it just PMS? Is it just not having enough free time to myself? Or am I this way? Is the world the way I think it is? What’s true? What’s not? What matters? What doesn’t? I find myself several times picking up my phone to check Facebook , to see if anyone posted anything, to read about what horrors are going on in America and around the world. To be reminded of scum or told to just forget about it, don’t think about it. I forget that I deleted my Facebook account. And then I feel relieved I am not part of that right now. My heart is starting to beat fast, this was supposed to be a time of relaxation. Jack and Fiona are taking their nap; the house is quiet. I’ve worked in my studio, taken a shower, and here my mind goes again, in the loop. I think, “I should be happy.” Why am I so down? The election has taken a real toll on me, the Trump presidency and the Bannon appointment. I feel like I’m panicking. I could try to make myself believe I’ll be fine so I shouldn’t worry so much. I don’t want to put my head in the sand like an ostrich. I don’t want to become a medicated zombie. I don’t want to go crazy. Where is there balance? I remember growing up and hearing my mom and her boyfriend talk about Carter and Reagan. They said Reagan was bad. I didn’t know what that meant, I just Knew our house didn’t like Reagan. When I became old enough to vote my mom had stopped voting. “Why mom? How can you not vote?” I asked her. She told me it didn’t matter anymore, that everyone was corrupt. Around this same time she told me she “Hated white people”. I wonder what my mom would say if she were alive today. Maybe she wouldn’t be as surprised as me. I was naïve. I thought things were getting better, but they were festering. Now I’m festering, trying to keep a grip. I am in the midst of raising twins in the heart of a dramatic developmental stage. During the breaking apart of mother and baby, I still want Jack and Fiona to be my little babies, they still want me to baby them. But they are getting bigger and finding their own independence and individuality. I am also changing, some by choice, some not. I must be more stern now, Jack and Fiona are heavy, strong, loud. They need direction and supervision almost all the time. The only time it’s easier now is at the park. I can sit and eat my lunch while they run off and play on the structures. It’s relaxing. There’s just a dark cloud hanging over my heart and mind. I feel like my mom died all over again, that type of shock. I feel like crying.
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Category: hope for civilization

Sunday Morning

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The joys of a Pandemic

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Process of Greif

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