Impermanence. As the leaves begin to fall off the bay trees creating a blanket of gold, we watch the squirrels gathering acorns on our walks, we see the crows coming home to nest in the evening, I explain to Jack and Fiona that Fall is coming, then winter. Their little boy and girl faces let me know time plays no favorites, two and a half years have flashed by without any kindness or special allowances. I’ve only been given the time on the clock, twenty-four hours in a day. I sit here now in my studio, my wonderful, messy, place that is my own, paint still on my hands from today’s painting session, a glass of wine I got by opening a bottle with a screw and plyers in order to save time and not have to go in the house during my last forty-five minutes of solitude. My Teacher credential information and my CSET study book next to me, my strategy is to study while the paint dries. As I look through the book I keep telling myself, don’t freak out, you can learn this. It’s so much information! It’s just as hard to paint I tell myself. Everything is hard at first, but there’s time. We have time. Time to be creative, time to be our different selves. Time to expand our universe until we die. Having kids has been life changing for me, just like everyone said it would be. But maybe not in the ways people warned, I feel like I am re-connecting with my true inner self. I feel like all the knowledge I’ve acquired through my life is coming into play. I have a much deeper understanding of the interconnectedness of us all. How I change and how I stay the same, it’s interesting. The change is the courage to let my freak flag fly high, my heart is good, I am part of the change in our country, our world. My children will live on and carry the torch. I know there are no guarantees, but I just can’t imagine having Republican children. Jacks been coming up with the most amazing responses. I was talking to him the other day about Boyd Park, my favorite park of all time. It was designated a Park in 1905! It has a reputation for homeless people, which sometimes there are. We walked by one the other day, he was sleeping. I was talking to Jack about the homeless people, telling him they didn’t feel good and I thought we should bring them something next time. Jack said “Bring them dinner”. I said, “Yes Jack, we’ll bring them dinner.” I couldn’t believe it, how a two-and-a-half-year-old could think like that already. It made me feel really good. That’s all I want, for my children to have an understanding of the world as it is and to want to help people and help make the world a better place no matter how corny that sounds.
Category: introspection
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I sit down with my coffee, I have a window seat. I watch buses and cars drive down fourth street. My index finger typing one letter at a time on my iphone. Dropped off car for oil change, a smile comes over my face. The gift of Pure unattached time, nothing that needs to be done, I can just sit here and drink coffee until they call and say my car is ready. A bead of sweat emerges on my upper lip as the heat of my coffee moves through me. When I first sit down and take that first sip, no one to watch, don’t need to worry Jack and Fiona are climbing on something, I almost cry, not from sadness but from the lightness and thankfulness I experience in this moment. The thankfulness that I am alive, that I get this small break, no stress. To look back on my crazy week. A week filled with potty stories, poop on beds and butts. Jack pooping in the backyard. I can’t find it anywhere. There’s poop and dirt in his butt crack as if he dragged himself along the dirt like some dogs do to get that last dingle berry off. Days of no naps, going into the nursery to find Jack and Fiona stomping in their pee on the floor laughing. Deep breathing. Stay calm. Keep my cool. Did it. It’s all going by so fast. They’ll be out of diapers by next Spring. Time goes by so fast. I am grateful I have the opportunity to experience raising children, against all odds. I love them so much. This will probably be my last moment spent alone in the next four days, we’re headed up to Mendo for vacation. My brother and his girlfriend are coming, and I’m so excited! It’s the first time Danny and I have gone on vacation together. The babies will be over the moon, they LOVE Danny!! All is good. I am thankful. I hope the world can pull out of this cycle of negativity and despair. I really do. I know how fortunate I am, just to be able to sit here and enjoy a cup of coffee.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 