Impermanence. As the leaves begin to fall off the bay trees creating a blanket of gold, we watch the squirrels gathering acorns on our walks, we see the crows coming home to nest in the evening, I explain to Jack and Fiona that Fall is coming, then winter. Their little boy and girl faces let me know time plays no favorites, two and a half years have flashed by without any kindness or special allowances. I’ve only been given the time on the clock, twenty-four hours in a day. I sit here now in my studio, my wonderful, messy, place that is my own, paint still on my hands from today’s painting session, a glass of wine I got by opening a bottle with a screw and plyers in order to save time and not have to go in the house during my last forty-five minutes of solitude. My Teacher credential information and my CSET study book next to me, my strategy is to study while the paint dries. As I look through the book I keep telling myself, don’t freak out, you can learn this. It’s so much information! It’s just as hard to paint I tell myself. Everything is hard at first, but there’s time. We have time. Time to be creative, time to be our different selves. Time to expand our universe until we die. Having kids has been life changing for me, just like everyone said it would be. But maybe not in the ways people warned, I feel like I am re-connecting with my true inner self. I feel like all the knowledge I’ve acquired through my life is coming into play. I have a much deeper understanding of the interconnectedness of us all. How I change and how I stay the same, it’s interesting. The change is the courage to let my freak flag fly high, my heart is good, I am part of the change in our country, our world. My children will live on and carry the torch. I know there are no guarantees, but I just can’t imagine having Republican children. Jacks been coming up with the most amazing responses. I was talking to him the other day about Boyd Park, my favorite park of all time. It was designated a Park in 1905! It has a reputation for homeless people, which sometimes there are. We walked by one the other day, he was sleeping. I was talking to Jack about the homeless people, telling him they didn’t feel good and I thought we should bring them something next time. Jack said “Bring them dinner”. I said, “Yes Jack, we’ll bring them dinner.” I couldn’t believe it, how a two-and-a-half-year-old could think like that already. It made me feel really good. That’s all I want, for my children to have an understanding of the world as it is and to want to help people and help make the world a better place no matter how corny that sounds.   

3 thoughts on “Impermanence

  1. “But maybe not in the ways people warned, I feel like I am re-connecting with my true inner self. ” YES!! I thought I would be transformed unwillingly into a Mother. Instead, Motherhood asks me to peel back dead layers of old unhelpful selves. Like you said, I am asked to pull from all of my resources and by doing so, am amazed by what strength lies there. Thank you for articulating this. Your words and paintings are beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist