Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

Monday Blog and Cadbury Egg Blind Taste Test

April 6th, 2015
Monday morning. 7:26 A.M. Make coffee despite my goal to drink green tea. (“Pre-cleanse”) Every step along the way I have an opportunity to switch; just pour the boiling water into a cup with a green tea bag. I take a sip of my coffee, I could just throw it away right now and not finish it. (It’s so damn good.)Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow with a cup of green tea. The babies are playing nice together. New beach toys from Uncle Danny, a giant yellow duck seems to be the favorite right now. I do smell a shit. ”Jack no, Jack no! You’re going to fall off the couch like you did yesterday and start crying.” Yeah, they’re playing nicely, except when I look in to observe I see trouble. I need to change poopy diapers. I notice a sigh. I do this when performing certain repetitive tasks, changing diapers, picking things up off the floor and sweeping. I read that sighing is a sign of stress in my new Urban Remedy book (The one with instructions for the 4-Day Home Cleanse Retreat). New Goal: every time I need to re-sweep the kitchen floor I am going to use it as a chance to do walking meditation. This week in addition to cutting out coffee I am planning on cutting out sweets, and anything else that’s not necessary for my survival. Adding lots of vegetables, smoothies (I’ll make them at home, NO MORE 10$ smoothies!) and I ordered a juicer online. I’m starting the “REAL” cleanse on April 16^th, that’s next Monday. I’ve tried to do cleanses many times, always failed. I feel this is the one, the one I will succeed in! I don’t think I’ll make the nut milks by hand though, I might just buy those. Is that cheating? This week I’m supposed to avoid: Caffeine, Alcohol, soda, red meat (I had a steak last night) sausage, pasta, cookies, preservatives, dairy, GMF’s, canned food, and cigarettes. Seems simple enough. Then I’ll be ready for phase two. Once I get my juicer I’m going to try “PMS Relief”: fennel, mustard greens, parsley, carrots, and apple. This will be my first time going through PMS without Zoloft in six beautiful months. If I start to sound crazy and irrational in the next couple of weeks that is why. Easter was fun. CADBURY EGG BLIND TASTE TEST:

Step one: Buy an Illegal Cadbury Egg from the Irish store in the city and a Cadbury Egg made in America.

Step two: Prepare two plates, label one plate FAKE EGG and one plate REAL EGG. (Put sticky label under plate so no one can see. Alan cuts both eggs into four equal parts. (First sharpening knife.)

Final Step: Mix up plates and pieces of egg, put a piece in Alan’s mouth of first egg to be tested, Danny, Susan, and I all taste first egg. We rinse our mouths with Champagne. Move on to second plate, taste egg. There’s a clear difference. We all agree one egg’s chocolate tastes way better and one egg tastes super sweet. The vote is unanimous, we turn the plate over, the UK Egg is the winner!
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Easter Sunday and on a non related topic “Fuck Em’”

April 5th, 2015
Easter Sunday, “YES YES YES” I convinced Alan to take Jack and Fiona to peets. The babies would NOT take their nap. This is the FIRST TIME I’ve had the house to myself. I have to speed type. It’s 9:05AM, the first thing I do is grab my Sunshine and fill her up. The second thing I say is “FUCK the Haters” sorry if that sounds krass. I started writing this piece trying to explain how I got here. (Erased it all) I live in Marin in a house, I didn’t start off here. I started at the bottom and so did my husband. I’m just an artist who worked retail my whole life. That’s it. I’m the same person I’ve always been, but waaaayyyyy cooler. It’s like I lost all my street cred when I got married. I’ve been accused of not being a feminist anymore, of not being punk rock anymore, of, (now this is my interpretation of course) “Living a traditional Marin Normal Lifestyle” Whatever the fuck that means. Like I think that’s better or they think it’s better than????? I don’t know. Ah that felt good. “Fuck’ Em”. Am I aloud to cuss on the internet? Can the title of my piece be Fuck Em? Easter Sunday. That sounds very anti-religious. “No offense”, that phrase doesn’t mean anything on the internet, in fact saying “no offense” means I probably already offended someone. Not on purpose, never on purpose but out of ignorance, absent mindedness or simple mistake of word choice. Because that’s all the internet is, just words. From random people. But these words are taken so seriously. I’m meandering. I realize I’m treading in very dangerous waters in many oceans. That’s who I am. Family, painting and writing. The End
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Bannana’s,Saturdays, Religion, and Oh it’s Easter tomorrow!

April 4th, 2015
A piece of banana falls on the floor, pick it up, slips out of my hand, lands on the high chair leg. I don’t bend down a second time to pick it up. I just sneezed, crumbs from my mouth flew all over my key board. But the Center Island needs to stay clean, “Alan, please just help me keep the Center Island clean this weekend, no clutter. “ I say last night. I missed the babies yesterday. O.K. this time I am going to another room to finish writing while Alan reads Jack and Fiona books. Now I’m ready to share my deepest and darkest secrets. Sitting in this room, my collection of art books, a lump forms in my throat as I write that. I love and miss my books. I don’t buy as many as I used to, I don’t get to as many shows or museums as I used to. That is the next frontier, bring Jack and Fiona to art galleries and museums. It sucks because a lot of museums around here don’t allow double strollers. They’re getting too heavy for front carriers. I need a friend to accompany us, volunteers? It’s so easy to let circumstances and other people’s opinions dictate how I spend my time. Last night we watched a documentary on Ron Hubbard and Dianetics. I kept having flashbacks. I think he tried to brainwash me. It was Richard. He also drilled Freud into me. Sitting in front of the library in Sea Cliff, N.Y., Richard questioning me, quizzing me on Freud. He was an asshole, Richard that is. We hitchhiked across America together. I lost contact with him many years ago, and the last time I spoke to him he was a born again Christian. I’m not religious, I’m pretty sure that’s been clear from the beginning, in fact I consider myself a non-militant atheist. I also want to say I respect everyone’s religious beliefs. I’ve been down the road in a quest for answers, Dianetics, the Christians who looked like hippies, the Church of the Nazarene, Eldridge Cleaver, the Beat poets, Paganism, the Goddess religions, etc… Eight months ago we baptized Jack and Fiona at the Catholic Church in San Rafael. Beautiful church, very nice priest. We had to go to a class beforehand. We get there a bit late. I’m feeling very uncomfortable. Alan’s Irish, his whole family is Catholic, some practicing. The Deacon goes around the table and asks “What brought you here?” my face gets hot and red, what will I say? “My husband’s family is Catholic so we are baptizing the babies, I’m not religious.” The amount of thought I put into that whole Baptizing thing was ridiculous. I didn’t even want to do it at all. I warned Alan WAY in advance though, before we ever had kids. I’m telling them the truth if they ask, “I don’t believe in God, you have to make your own decision.” I can hear Alan and the babies in the living room. I want to go in and visit, but I think it’s important that Alan has alone time with Jack and Fiona. But I have to go get a hug, be right back. I got my cuddles, they are so cute. Now they are down for their morning nap. To Do: Clean Kitchen, Clean Closet, Paint, Walk Billy. This is one of the most difficult things, deciding what to do when the babies take a nap. The best advice I could give to moms of twins is have a P.O.A. (Plan of action) for naptimes or they will be awake and nothing on the list is checked of. What will make me feel happiest? What is most important to do right now? Paint! Even if it’s just for a half hour. The End
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Monday Blog and Cadbury Egg Blind Taste Test

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Easter Sunday and on a non related topic “Fuck Em’”

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Bannana’s,Saturdays, Religion, and Oh it’s Easter tomorrow!

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