Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

July 26th, 2020 Pandemic – First Day Back To Me.

July 26th, 2020
The hills are tan, as they always are this time of year. Fire season looms in the near future, Hurricane season has already begun, our presidents a lunatic, and there’s a pandemic going on.

I haven’t written or done art in any significant way since March 16th when the shelter in place order was activated. It’s been mixed with joy from teaching my kids and not driving anywhere, enjoying the yard, but I’ve been very busy physically and mentally. The children and I have not been apart since that day. We have only, just this past Friday seen anyone socially. I have been teacher, mother, homemaker, everything for months. I have been depressed. I have terrible anxiety. I take medication now and never have those thoughts about someday not needing to be medicated or thinking I will be fine.

I haven’t been “home”, on Dirty Laundry Blog in awhile. I am glad to be back. I don’t want to be over zealous, but I want to write about homeschooling and getting back into the studio. I want to write everyday again. I want to paint again. I want to write my way back into creativity. Into my own space and time. I’m going to write everyday. I’m going to skip the news and write instead. This is bullshit. I’ve got to get back into my studio. How can I get away from the kids long enough to get that time back?

I tried finding an assistant teacher but struck out. It’s not easy finding someone during the pandemic. I don’t know if it’s because of fears surrounding coronavirus or if parents already hired everyone? It’s O.K.. I can do this.

I am actually excited. I’ve been reading books from The Responsive Classroom, I’ve been working on my teacher talk, Jacks improving immensely, but still has major slip ups in behavior. But I’m learning how to encourage the positive behavior to maintain a harmonious household and classroom.

Welcome to my journey. It’s good to be back.
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Whirl Wind

April 27th, 2020
That’s how my day felt. Like the spin cycle. It didn’t stop me from laughing during my morning meditation. Laugh at my 7:00 AM thoughts when both kids were up already, before my coffee and breakfast. Muttering under my breath as I boiled water, made toast, fuck shit fuck. I just wanted some time alone to eat in peace.

I laughed when I thought about myself feeling so frustrated. It’s been go, go, go since then. We painted, made cookies, played outside, and Jack and Fiona both finished their homework. I did turn in “alternative” assignments. Sometimes the things they ask the kids to do the kids balk at. I’ve gone both ways, forcing them to do the official class assignments and using the guidelines and coming up with my own assignments. I get way better results when I create new assignments inspired by the official assignments. I hope this will be O.K..

I was able to work on paintings outside as the kids played and painted. I decided To work on paintings that are colorful. To get into painting for the sake of painting. Narrative paintings, self portraits. Meditative. Insulating. Cushions of color and light. Protective. Shelter in Place Homeschooling paintings.
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Finally Back in My Studio

April 24th, 2020
My therapist really helped me get back in my studio. She gave me the push I needed. It makes a world of difference. I was getting pretty bad. I would read the news. My heart would sink, legs grew weak. Was this reality. Is this really happening. From day one, the day he was there, I won’t write his name or their names, but it’s like that day in January.

I know for sure it’s true. It’s apocalyptic. I’m ok with the isolation, especially now that I’m doing more of what I want to do. Need to do. I always say if I didn’t have kids I’d paint all day. Now I have kids 24 hours a day. No time apart. They’ve done wonderful homeschooling. There’s definite strains from the isolation for the kids. They crave time with Friends, the park, people in general.

The sadness the despair is hard to navigate. I fight it hard to not get winded by it. I meditate, medicate, yoga, exercise, therapy, baths, and now finally my studio and writing. Studio first Homeschool second. Kids can paint with me, especially Fiona. Today we both hummed and sang quietly and painted.

Jacks been a pill. He has drastic changes in behavior. I always thought this negative self hatred was from the pressure of kindergarten. But Jack goes through being insecure but trying as long as I’m right near him. Then like a light switch he won’t do anything, he sulks, he feels ashamed and seeks approval, he blinks, he can’t sit still, he seems frustrated by the fact he doesn’t want to do his homework. Its like he doesn’t understand the feelings he’s having. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want him always feeling like he’s in trouble or disappointing people. Sometimes he’s ultra affectionate, sometimes hurtful. I almost wondered if he was mildly autistic or if he’s playing me to get out of doing stuff?

Anyhow it feels good to be writing and painting again. These are scary times.
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July 26th, 2020 Pandemic – First Day Back To Me.

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Whirl Wind

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Finally Back in My Studio

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