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    • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
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  • Portfolio
  • A journal: 20 Days during the Pandemic. Getting back in the studio. Daily Writing and Studio Practice September 21st to October 10th 2020.
  • Random Tips for twin parents
www.jennyhynes.com/

Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

  • Marinate

    March 29th, 2018

    Marinate; children, stew, wood, paintings, art, books, words, wardrobes, faces, nature, workouts, experience. The sweet spring birds are singing a song outside. I questioned the use of adjectives in my sign language class last night, I talked about verbs with Jack and Fiona yesterday, too. I fought with my feelings of the word hate. I got mad at yoga meditation on-line because it was about the word love. Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll love my stew three days later until I warm it up and taste it. It just needs Spanish green olives and it would be perfect. I sit here today, at my kitchen table covered in scratches, marks, glitter, rubbed off on the sides from forearms. I let out a deep breath and let out a bit of my past week. I went on a run yesterday, behind Fiona’s school. I drove her because Fiona overslept and missed the bus. I vented my grievances of parenthood, present day, to Fiona’s teacher yesterday, then I went for my run. I didn’t use my running program that tells me when to slow down because my heart rates getting too high. I didn’t warm up at all. I thought about the ticks and the poison oak and Lyme disease and peed behind an old building. Then I started to run, I got mad at Billy when she wanted to sniff, I pulled the leash and was relived when I got to the off-leash trail. All thoughts disappeared out of my mind as my feet hit the ground. I let my heart rate and legs do whatever they felt, ran up hills, heart pounding at my threshold. I was fit enough to take out my aggression and frustration on the trail until I felt calm and proud and like I had achieved something. On the flat parts my body glided free from cumbersome equipment, I only had Billy’s leash and my car key. I was reminded who I am, and that I’m not who I am with Jack and Fiona and they are not going to rob me of my own feelings. As much as they try to beat me down; they are so unhappy now. It starts early in the morning, right when I wake up. Asking for stuff and everything I say or feed them is wrong. They cry, whine, misbehave. I’m sad and hateful. I love them so much, I don’t hate them literally but sometimes, especially since turning four years old, Jack and Fiona can be jerks. I miss the sweet, most of the time, toddlers and babies. Those years are gone, that experience is gone. No more little, sweet babies. When they are babies you don’t mind wiping their butts, and when they throw food on the floor, or even when they cry. You just try to comfort them no matter what. You love your children so much. There’s really no love that can compare. You marinate in parenthood, in motherhood. Then, they change. You still love them just as strong, but now they can make your day extremely tiring. There are still moments of a deep, positive, beautiful connection. On Tuesday I took Jack and Fiona to the zoo. Much of the day was spent miserable, and I had a headache. But at the family farm feeding the Llamas, or watching the bears get fed dinner. We were all happy together. We had to stop at a pizza restaurant on our way home because traffic was so backed up. When we first got in the restaurant I felt good and Jack and Fiona were behaving very well. It was fun, and we were simply eating dinner. Towards the end Jack started misbehaving, so we left. This past week most of our interaction has been Jack and Fiona unhappy about everything. They are only four years old and are already getting attitude.

    I still have four hours left before the babysitter is off. I have time to paint. That is a relief. I’ll figure something out for tonight. I’ll just grin and bear it when I tell them no T.V. and when they complain about what I serve them for dinner, or how they don’t want to take a bath. I’m just going to sit there and offer suggestions, like reading books or playing with toys or go to bed.

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  • My Peloton Experience plus My Peloton Version Two

    March 22nd, 2018

    My Peloton bike sits on the floor in front of me. Sleek, black, tablet (screen dark, no class on) shoes next to my bike, Velcro straps sticking up, purple three-pound weights, the cord, bike to electrical outlet. My Facebook “Peloton Challenge group”, that I’ve been part of for almost two months rests at my fingertips, available for support, ideas, camaraderie, like the support and encouragement I received when I was part of a triathlon team or my running group that I trained with. The only difference is that my Peloton team is a virtual one. We have never met in person and probably never will.

    I had my Peloton bike for several years before I participated in the online aspect of Peloton. In Peloton speak I had over 300 rides before I uttered many words on the Peloton main Facebook page. I’m a big Facebook user, but I have bad luck in groups, I have a big mouth, I’m very opinionated, especially when it comes to politics, child rearing, and religion. I piss people off, I get pissed off, and it’s wasted energy I want to avoid. I also don’t like to waste time getting sucked into sad stuff all the time, I get depressed.

    I have been sticking with plain Facebook and my Art Facebook page. No groups! But one day in January, I felt I needed a change, my hormones were changing, I started getting hot flashes, I faced the fact that I had gained weight over the past four years since my kids were born. It was early in the morning, I just did a ride on the bike and I went on Facebook, visited the Peloton page. I wrote how I was feeling, I told the Peloton world I wanted to change, I even told them I had been taking anti-depressants for over two years, and had just quit, cold turkey. I got so much support, invites to various groups, which I joined a bunch.  I didn’t last long on any of the Peloton groups though, except one, a particular- challenge group, the first challenge I signed up for was 200 miles in one month.

    That was my first month off my anti-depressant, my first month adapting to my changing body, I was turning forty-seven in a few months. I was determined to do the challenge, I even got sick the first two weeks with a terrible cough. I made myself ride on my scheduled day no matter what. Half way through the challenge I got worried, the miles I had to do everyday to make my goal seemed so hard, I thought I couldn’t do It. At this point I bought a heart rate monitor, I used to train with one when I was running before the babies were born but hadn’t since. The first Heart rate ride I did was sixty minutes long and kicked my ass. But after that ride I knew I could complete my goal and started riding only 45 or 60-minute rides.

    This month, there was a new challenge, do at least twenty 30- minute rides and at least ten “beyond the ride”, in Peloton lingo that means anything from strength to stretching, yoga, hiking, any exercise other than spinning on Peloton. I had a goal of adding trail running, yoga, stretching and meditation. I started off at the end of February with two trail runs, and with my new heart rate monitor I was set. I couldn’t believe how good it felt, that I was in as good shape as I was, and it was all because of the challenge I had just completed on my Peloton. I’m still just starting out running again, so I still have a lot of training to do, but at the beginning of this months challenge I signed up for a trail race that’s next month. I haven’t done a race in over four years and I thought I never would again. I added yoga and stretching on the Peloton app and my body started feeling better right away, I was very tight. I started meditation again, I haven’t mediated since the babies were still newborns. I had a regular practice before they were born. For some reason I didn’t keep up with it in these past four years.

    I wanted to delve deeper back into yoga, that was another regular practice I had before my kids were born, but always at a yoga studio. Since they’ve been born it’s hard to fit in going to a yoga studio. I joined an online yoga on demand, the Peloton yoga classes are only 45 minutes and I like a little bit of yoga theory when I take my classes, and progressions. I have been doing an Ashtanga program the past couple of weeks and meditation, it’s been an amazing addition to my Peloton.

    The other goal I had this month, that I considered part of my “Peloton Challenge” is my diet. I have been wanting to go back to vegetarianism for a long time. My diet hasn’t been that great since becoming a parent either, even though I tried. I have been doing great on this goal, not totally vegan, I’ve had a bit of cheese, eggs, and fish. But overall, I’m doing well with it.

    I don’t miss my anti-depressants at all and I feel like I have more energy and feel healthier all around.

    Today, I did my 30- minute heart rate ride in the morning. I was gone for most of the day, but when I got home I had an hour and a half left before my babysitter left. I never give up two-time periods in a day for exercise, but I had the urge to go running, hiking, or do yoga. I picked my Ashtanga Yoga and meditation for parents. I sat on the cushion and listened to the mediation teacher. He said, “Let go of fear”, I cried. The whole meditation was about letting go of energy that didn’t serve you. I realized I have held onto a lot of fears since my kids were born. But these past two months have been healing, my fears and insecurities have been dripping off in my sweat, flowing out of my breath.

    My Peloton bike sits on the floor in front of me. Sleek, black, tablet (screen dark, no class on) shoes next to my bike, Velcro straps sticking up, purple three-pound weights, the cord, bike to electrical outlet. My Facebook “Peloton Challenge group”, that I’ve been part of for almost two months rests at my fingertips, available for support, ideas, camaraderie, like the support and encouragement I received when I was part of a triathlon team or my running group that I trained with. The only difference is that my Peloton team is a virtual one. We have never met in person and probably never will.

    I had my Peloton bike for several years before I participated in the online aspect of Peloton. In Peloton speak I had over 300 rides before I uttered many words on the Peloton main Facebook page. I’m a big Facebook user, but I have bad luck in groups, I have a big mouth, I’m very opinionated, especially when it comes to politics, child rearing, and religion. I piss people off, I get pissed off, and it’s wasted energy I want to avoid. I also don’t like to waste time getting sucked into sad stuff all the time, I get depressed.

    I have been sticking with plain Facebook and my Art Facebook page. No groups! But one day in January, I felt I needed a change, my hormones were changing, I started getting hot flashes, I faced the fact that I had gained weight over the past four years since my kids were born. It was early in the morning, I just did a ride on the bike and I went on Facebook, visited the Peloton page. I wrote how I was feeling, I told the Peloton world I wanted to change, I even told them I had been taking anti-depressants for over two years, and had just quit, cold turkey. I got so much support, invites to various groups, which I joined a bunch.  I didn’t last long on any of the Peloton groups though, except one, a particular- challenge group, the first challenge I signed up for was 200 miles in one month.

    That was my first month off my anti-depressant, my first month adapting to my changing body, I was turning forty-seven in a few months. I was determined to do the challenge, I even got sick the first two weeks with a terrible cough. I made myself ride on my scheduled day no matter what. Half way through the challenge I got worried, the miles I had to do everyday to make my goal seemed so hard, I thought I couldn’t do It. At this point I bought a heart rate monitor, I used to train with one when I was running before the babies were born but hadn’t since. The first Heart rate ride I did was sixty minutes long and kicked my ass. But after that ride I knew I could complete my goal and started riding only 45 or 60-minute rides.

    This month, there was a new challenge, do at least twenty 30- minute rides and at least ten “beyond the ride”, in Peloton lingo that means anything from strength to stretching, yoga, hiking, any exercise other than spinning on Peloton. I had a goal of adding trail running, yoga, stretching and meditation. I started off at the end of February with two trail runs, and with my new heart rate monitor I was set. I couldn’t believe how good it felt, that I was in as good shape as I was, and it was all because of the challenge I had just completed on my Peloton. I’m still just starting out running again, so I still have a lot of training to do, but at the beginning of this months challenge I signed up for a trail race that’s next month. I haven’t done a race in over four years and I thought I never would again. I added yoga and stretching on the Peloton app and my body started feeling better right away, I was very tight. I started meditation again, I haven’t mediated since the babies were still newborns. I had a regular practice before they were born. For some reason I didn’t keep up with it in these past four years.

    I wanted to delve deeper back into yoga, that was another regular practice I had before my kids were born, but always at a yoga studio. Since they’ve been born it’s hard to fit in going to a yoga studio. I joined an online yoga on demand, the Peloton yoga classes are only 45 minutes and I like a little bit of yoga theory when I take my classes, and progressions. I have been doing an Ashtanga program the past couple of weeks and meditation, it’s been an amazing addition to my Peloton.

    The other goal I had this month, that I considered part of my “Peloton Challenge” is my diet. I have been wanting to go back to vegetarianism for a long time. My diet hasn’t been that great since becoming a parent either, even though I tried. I have been doing great on this goal, not totally vegan, I’ve had a bit of cheese, eggs, and fish. But overall, I’m doing well with it.

    I don’t miss my anti-depressants at all and I feel like I have more energy and feel healthier all around.

    Today, I did my 30- minute heart rate ride in the morning. I was gone for most of the day, but when I got home I had an hour and a half left before my babysitter left. I never give up two-time periods in a day for exercise, but I had the urge to go running, hiking, or do yoga. I picked my Ashtanga Yoga and meditation for parents. I sat on the cushion and listened to the mediation teacher. He said, “Let go of fear”, I cried. The whole meditation was about letting go of energy that didn’t serve you. I realized I have held onto a lot of fears since my kids were born. But these past two months have been healing, my fears and insecurities have been dripping off in my sweat, flowing out of my breath.

    I sit here in this room, my Peloton, Yoga, Meditation room. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s totally different than the first day I typed my message on the Peloton Facebook page. I am so glad I did that, I am thankful for my Peloton challenge group. You’ve helped me change my life for the better.

    I sit here in this room, my Peloton, Yoga, Meditation room. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s totally different than the first day I typed my message on the Peloton Facebook page. I am so glad I did that, I am thankful for my Peloton challenge group. You’ve helped me change my life for the better.

    https://dirtylaundryblog.com/my-peloton-version-2/

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  • Learning to Run Free

    March 16th, 2018

     Muddy trails, Billy, my dog, followed me. She ran slower, took time to sniff the scent of coyote and Jack rabbit. I smelt the fresh rain-soaked air, listened to the bird’s chirp, was careful on my descent down the slippery hillsides. Fingers icy cold, heart beats quickly as I go up-hill. Clouds and blue sky mixed above, worms crawled below. I felt free, I was almost the only person on the trail this morning.  Memories came up, as I scaled across the single track, where once, a long time ago, my dogs ran down the ravine, followed a coyote back to her den. I was so frightened, I thought the coyotes would eat my dogs, but my dogs ran back to me eventually. Or the time they ran after the raccoon, I could see the raccoon and my two big dogs through the trees, the dogs barked, the raccoon hissed, I screamed and cried, I couldn’t stop them, I couldn’t run into the brush, it was thick with poison oak. I was so upset. I was upset with my dogs. I was upset with myself for getting so upset. I was supposed to stay calm, I was pregnant, I should have thought about the baby before I got upset. I was so worried would have a miscarriage because I made myself so distraught. I was worried the park ranger would come and give me a ticket or take my dogs away because they killed wildlife.

    Today was the opposite kind of day, I had no worries. Today I ran free, my children at preschool, healthy and safe. I was able to absorb my muddy morning run. Take in all the beauty around me. I was able to be thankful for my strong body. I’m turning 47 on Monday, but today I didn’t worry about getting older, I didn’t feel older, I felt younger. I felt healthy and optimistic. I didn’t worry about wrinkles. I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or being unable to get pregnant, worries that have dominated recent times in my life.  My emotional state didn’t clog my eyes with self-doubt and confusion. I didn’t let the rainy skies, muddy ground or the icy air prevent me from my run. I was free, mind and body.

    I don’t know how one day can be relaxing and mentally beautiful and one day can be so stressful and mentally unstable. I know it’s hard not to let things that happen to us dominate our whole being, bad things, sad things, terrible things. When I wrote my chapter for my new book the other day, one of the saddest chapters, I noticed it stuck with me. I became that chapter again. I felt sad and drained and started to worry about things that aren’t going well. I started to doubt myself as a writer and artist, that’s what I do. That trauma from so many years ago and all the little traumas along the way, like when my dogs killed the raccoon, stuck with me, I think. Writing about my past I found, is very intense, writing about tragedy. It’s like an actor in character, they sometimes totally absorb the character and role they are playing. Sometimes the actor needs to take a break because they become that character. I became my character, again, slightly. I touched the surface, and some of the things I remembered, that I have never let myself feel before, I let myself feel. Am I healthier now? Even though it took a few days to recover after writing the chapter? Maybe.

    Am I stronger after everything? I thought yesterday about the experience I had, that I wrote about. At the time the event happened, the very next day the whole thing that happened was never to be mentioned again. I went along with it, I buried it deep down inside, never to examine, until recently. I was thinking I wasted a good opportunity for growth. But I was only fifteen, I had no way to know what to do. If only I would have been encouraged to write or do something creative, to grow from the tragedy, I could have done something amazing. I looked back like that. This thinking brought me down. Just like I look back and wonder if a certain thing didn’t happen, if I made a different decision, how would my life look? I doubt myself a lot.

    I made it though. I am here, now I run free, most of the time. And the self-doubt, I’m working on it.  

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