I don’t know how I feel right now because I’m so tired. I think I’m finally hitting a wall. I’ve been doing too much. Jack and Fiona have been bouncing off the walls so it’s been easier in a way to take them out. I think. They are super tired too, they couldn’t wait to take their nap today. I just wasted a whole hour on Facebook looking at people’s pages I don’t even know. Sometimes I get lost doing that when I’m really exhausted, I just zone out. I watched a video on a U-Tube Vlog starring a family who finds out they are pregnant one day, the husband dipped a test strip in the toilet after she peed so he could surprise her, and I guess the next day after the first video had gone viral she had a miscarriage. It was really weird, they told their two little kids and she was only two weeks late on her period. Apparently a lot of people watch the Vlog, their own reality show. I wasted a lot of time, but it doesn’t matter too much. I would like to paint or watch a movie. Or what I’d really like is to take a nap and wake up feeling fabulous! Full of energy with a crystal clear mind! But what I have to do is get through today, take care of Jack and Fiona, make dinner, bath and bottle time for babies, then I get to go to sleep. What can I do now to make myself feel better? How can I muster up the energy to do anything else today? I’m just too tired.
Tag: fatigue
-
Twenty Eight pounds, that’s how much Jack weighs now, Fiona, twenty three. I was reading an article about fitness age in Self magazine, it talked about adding more HITT workouts to maximize your health. My legs are so tired. I want to add more cardio but I don’t have the energy. Even Ramona is tired after watching jack and Fiona, and she’s only here for a few hours. I hope our new nanny knows what she’s getting herself into! I don’t think anyone could imagine the weight load unless they physically do it themselves. The stairs are the killer. I have to make two trips up and down, up and down, carrying an extra twenty something pounds. I let jack and Fiona crawl up the stairs as much as I can, but they are so easily distracted. The other day jack was starting to come down the big set of stairs, he went head first, my heart dropped, he put his arm out and caught himself, but it was a close call. They can’t be trusted at all.
I was able to work in the studio yesterday, not for long, but it felt good to get in there. I realized lately that I have time to do everything I want to do. The problem is, I don’t have the energy, and my mind feels like play dough. Raising twins is a physically and emotionally draining job. It just is, there’s no way to sugar coat it. No matter how wonderful it is and how adorable my babies are. I walked by the book of signs Linda let me borrow and I got really sad. I almost started crying because I thought to myself, “When and How will I ever have time to learn sign language and teach my baby girl sign language?” I feel bad, I know I’m doing all I can, but I wish I could do more. I guess I’m stretched too thin and I’m not getting that “Recharge time.” I need to take a painting class or something. So I’m away from the house with adults. I need an anchor. I’ve always felt isolated since I started working from home. For a year I volunteered at Art Works Downtown. I loved it, I felt connected to my community. I got to see friends on the second Friday art walks. It was really great.
Jack and Fiona have been playing together the whole time I’ve been writing this. It’s super cute.
-
Close my eyes, baby gates circle me, try to look through the holes, can’t see anything, it’s all dark. My husband had a “shit night sleep” last night. I slept, was Exhausted, it was a triple whammy weekend. Allergies and PMS triggered my urge to purge and clean. Spent the whole weekend cleaning and organizing the kitchen. It worked out that way, Jack and Fiona were off schedule Saturday. (I think I should explain what this means for people who do not have multiples. At thirteen months, one week away from fourteen months, my babies still require two naps. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. Fiona is usually a nap angel. She loves her naps, tells me when she’s tired by sucking her thumb, cuddling Tiger, sometimes crying. I change her diaper and put her in the play and pack and she’s usually content. At lucky nap times, Jack is just as content. They take a nap at the same time. Lately there have been more days than not when Jack won’t take his morning nap with Fiona. He goes down, babbles for a while, I think I’m in the clear and in a half hour he starts making these high pitched screams, not crying, it’s like he’s saying “Come get me” so I do because it’s literally the most annoying thing ever. Then we play, read books, lately I’ve been putting on a baby genius cartoon. He runs around, does the “Jack Shuffle” until his legs are so weak and tired he’s collapsing. I put him in his crib and he goes right to sleep. Then Fiona wakes up.)
My mind starts to melt. I don’t like the weekends anymore. It’s the fourth person to take care of (Alan), to cook and clean for, to clean up after, pick up after. It amplifies that part of my personality that I Hate. When the babies finally go down for their naps I just need some alone time, a hot bath or to paint. Then I feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle. There’s no advice to make this better, there’s no solution, it just is. It’s just hard. It’s just really hard. Coping skills help, mindfulness helps, regular date nights (I prefer days) would definitely help. But the weekends are the only time Alan gets to spend with the babies. And this is the truth. This is the type of information I got in trouble for sharing with the multiples club. It does get harder. If I scare anyone who is pregnant with twins or has young twin babies I’m glad. When I wrote my first article for the twin group newsletter, “Finding Balance, Raising twins” I showed my first few drafts to my husband to proofread for me. He said I needed to add, “But it is all worth it.” He thought it sounded like I didn’t love the babies or that I was just having a really hard time. It made me very mad. I wondered why I had to state the obvious, why I can’t talk about how hard it is without talking about how wonderful it is at the same time.
I hear a little bit of complaining from Mr. Jack. Please Jack, I really need some room to breathe. And my back, with my period coming my lower back is in pain. This is reality, I love Jack, more than words can say, but I need him to take his nap with Fiona right now. I need that time alone. He’s doing the high pitched whiny cry right now. They both are. The only other alternative is to turn off the baby monitor and just let them be. They are safe, well fed, clean diapers. They have their Teddies. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Alan said yesterday maybe it’s because Jack hears me “Talking to myself” I got mad, not because he is imagining me walking around “Talking to myself” all day but because it sounded like he was saying it was somehow my fault Jack wasn’t taking his nap. That I have some control over the situation. He says “Jacks playing me.”
The House Finches are back, I really like them. They make me happy. There’s a dead rat in the back yard, I think Billy Killed it. Both babies are finally quiet now. Thank Goodness. I need this moment of quiet, peace. I need this moment more than anything in the world. Then I have to go bury the dead rat. Shit, they’re still not asleep.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 