In the corner of my left eye I see Blue Bear in the laundry hamper. Not the original old stinky Blue, but the new soft clean blue I bought as a backup. I wanted to reach down, pick him up, and cuddle him while I laid down in my bed. I wanted a Blue Bear, something to comfort me like the babies have. It’s been a rough week. On Wednesday I came down with sickness number one. A horrible, painful, gastrointestinal thing that left me with a swollen colon. I dealt with it, I mean there was a moment I thought my organs would burst and I was dying and that I lay crying wondering how I was going to take care of Jack and Fiona. I also thought for a minute that I was imagining the whole thing. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe I was under more stress than I thought and I was going crazy again. But I went to the doctor and he said he’s seen many patients with this same bug. He was pleased with my health, was that is, because when he sees my blood test results today he ain’t gonna be too happy with me anymore. I had my blood drawn Saturday morning, the usual tests, CBC, Glucose, and Cholesterol. I thought I had been doing good but my cholesterol is the highest it’s ever been in my life. This used to really scare me because of my family history of heart attacks, this time I’m not going to let it get in my head. I guess I’ll just eat vegetables only, forever. After my blood was drawn we went to the mall. The babies had runny noses, the mall was still closed and was deserted. The sound of the carousel echoed through the place giving it an eerie walking dead feel. I started to realize the babies’ noses were running really bad and that we had probably infected the whole place, how long does the cold virus last on public surfaces? All of the sudden I started sneezing and sneezing and sneezing. I thought it was allergies. We got home and it became clear, Jack, Fiona, and I all had a nasty cold. I needed my Blue Bear. If someone were to ask me “what’s the most challenging part of raising twins?” it would be taking care of Jack and Fiona when all three of us are sick. I laid on my bed and cried Saturday afternoon after I put the babies in their cribs, I longed for someone to swoop in and take care of all of us. To make us tea with lemon and honey and feed us chicken soup. Someone to wipe the boogers off Jack and Fiona’s faces for me, the boogers that made their way into their mouths and onto their blue bear and tiger. A disgusting sight for sure. But I knew in two hours or less I would be the one who needed to get up and take care of all three of us. Babies need their parents even more when they are sick. Jack said “mommy” a million times this weekend and held onto me tight. Fiona coughed until her eyes were watering, it was so sad. But again we made it through. My body got up and took care of the babies, took care of myself, and my Dog. I couldn’t make dinner last night for my husband though, I told him he was on his own and he made himself shrimp! I thought that was pretty cool.
Tag: health
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I’m in a car, someone else behind the wheel. Dirt road, narrow, steep, hugging the curve of the mountain, I can feel the drop below us. We park. There’s an open cabana, I think we shouldn’t be here, it belongs to someone else. I want to go swimming, everyone says it’s too cold. I jump in anyhow.
Jack and Fiona are playing nicely together, ringing bells, examining red, yellow, blue, orange, green, nesting cups. Experimenting with placing objects inside containers. I haven’t put on Fiona’s hearing aids yet. (I feel guilty) I need to go get them, I think they are downstairs in the nursery. I’m out of the woods regarding my PMS. It was challenging as usual but I did fine without the Zoloft. Almost thirty days. The only withdraw symptoms I had was the dizziness. Very Sad before I took the pills. A buildup of everything I had gone through the past six years. Unprocessed emotions from long ago. Memories released as Jack and Fiona came into my world. The intensifier, living with my Mother in Law for six months after the babies were born. She is very experienced, a mother of ten, including two sets of twins. Maureen was a huge help to Alan and I. But with that help came drawbacks for me personally. We can’t live together. She pushed my limits to the extreme. Maureen worries about everything. Once she moved in I lost all the quiet peaceful moments I thrive on. I missed having the ones I envisioned with my tiny little babies. Everything was chaotic and intense. I’m not even going into details today, I’ll save it for another time. (It brings up too much anxiety to even talk about it)
Here I am again, 9:34 A.M. Jack and Fiona’s nap time. Fiona is sound asleep. Jack is not, I hear him making sounds, some loud screeches, some quiet babbling. I don’t know what I should do if he starts making a fuss. Do I leave him or get him out? Yesterday he pushed me to my limit, but to give him credit the first outcry was a poop, next hunger, next he woke up Fiona and both Teddies were on the ground. After an hour of this I gave them both their Teddies and shut the door. The cries I heard, they were having a fit. Then after about two minutes, complete silence. It was one minute before Ramona got here. They slept for a whole two hours! Woke up, ate lunch, played, and slept another hour and a half. The whole time my nannies here they sleep. What’s up with that?
Today I made reservations at Play Center for 1:00. I’ve decided (with approval from Play Center) to take Jack and Fiona no matter what. I’m not going to make sure they are well rested and not cranky. I’ll just see what happens, that’s what the girls said. No big deal. If they have a breakdown they’ll come get me and we’ll go home. I can’t keep living my life making sure everything is perfect for everyone all the time. They need their rest but I need my yoga! We’ve got to compromise babies!
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Coffee. Studio time. These are the only two things I believe in strongly at this moment. I’m making the cup of coffee, studio has to wait till Monday when Ramona’s here. “Red skies in the morning sailors take warning.” I say this every time I see the sunrise. I’m setting my intention not to be hard on myself today. “MMM” this is the best damn cup of coffee ever. Oh, it’s so tasty. Allergies UGH. I don’t want to get depressing or macabre, and I won’t. I will control myself. (Just one rant O.K.?) It’s just the PMS. I feel like there’s no hope for the earth and it makes me sad. My second cup of coffee, I put too much honey in it on purpose. I’ve never seen so much poison oak growing EVERYWHERE in my whole life. I consider myself an expert on poison oak, being highly allergic to it and an avid hiker. I’ve heard that the rising carbon dioxide in the atmosphere helps weeds, like poison oak and ivy grow like crazy. That might also be why we all have such bad allergies this season. I stopped worrying about the earth and politics a long time ago. I was way into it, PETA, Kerry, Obama. I annoyed people with my passion for animals, the earth, equal rights. When the government shut down happened I lost all respect and hope. (For the organization) I also watched “Gasland” by Josh Fox, about Fracking. This really put the nail in the coffin. Now I feel like moving to Mendocino, growing my own food, homeschooling my kids, taking a shooting class, getting a gun to protect us from all the freaks and illegal pot growers. Becoming a recluse for real. But that’s not gonna happen. O.K. I’m done.
As I took Billy on her walk yesterday (The babies were down for their second nap, Alan was watching Jack and Fiona.) I didn’t get a break all day, oh my gosh here I go again, see it’s that damn PMS. I walk by milkmaids, blue wild flowers. When I was a little girl I would wake up early, go for long walks in the back yard and the field behind our house. I picked wildflowers for my mom. Alan wakes up, he comes in the kitchen sighing, “Oh Fuck”, not a loud Oh Fuck, but a muted one. He has to work in the office this morning. “I could of slept for another three hours.” He says. “Why didn’t you, and do your office work later?” I say. “You know how that goes.” He says. Alan takes his toast, tea, water, and IPad to the office. “Don’t slam the door.” I say. I hear Jack and Fiona starting to make sounds. It’s time to go get my babies. Change diapers, make bottles, and whatever else needs to be done. “Here I come babies.”
“Freeeeeeeeee, they want to be free” My song for Jack and Fiona. They do. They want to be free. Last night in the nursery, feeling relaxed and amazing, I wondered, how can I bring this “At Peace” feeling into the days? Maybe I can’t, I have to be constantly “On Duty” every moment. I just closed the gates back up because the babies started playing on the stairs. It’s almost time for their morning nap. They are getting weak and tired and dangerous. I have to be making these choices for Jack and Fiona all day balancing freedom with safety. It’s exhausting. We’re taking the babies swimming today. I hope they like it. I’m excited! It’s gonna be a good day.
Oh, I decided I’m not doing a cleanse. I’ll add the green juice every day, add more salads, kale and healthy foods. I think that’s good enough. The End
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 