Coffee. Studio time. These are the only two things I believe in strongly at this moment. I’m making the cup of coffee, studio has to wait till Monday when Ramona’s here. “Red skies in the morning sailors take warning.” I say this every time I see the sunrise. I’m setting my intention not to be hard on myself today. “MMM” this is the best damn cup of coffee ever. Oh, it’s so tasty. Allergies UGH. I don’t want to get depressing or macabre, and I won’t. I will control myself. (Just one rant O.K.?) It’s just the PMS. I feel like there’s no hope for the earth and it makes me sad. My second cup of coffee, I put too much honey in it on purpose. I’ve never seen so much poison oak growing EVERYWHERE in my whole life. I consider myself an expert on poison oak, being highly allergic to it and an avid hiker. I’ve heard that the rising carbon dioxide in the atmosphere helps weeds, like poison oak and ivy grow like crazy. That might also be why we all have such bad allergies this season. I stopped worrying about the earth and politics a long time ago. I was way into it, PETA, Kerry, Obama. I annoyed people with my passion for animals, the earth, equal rights. When the government shut down happened I lost all respect and hope. (For the organization) I also watched “Gasland” by Josh Fox, about Fracking. This really put the nail in the coffin. Now I feel like moving to Mendocino, growing my own food, homeschooling my kids, taking a shooting class, getting a gun to protect us from all the freaks and illegal pot growers. Becoming a recluse for real. But that’s not gonna happen. O.K. I’m done.

As I took Billy on her walk yesterday (The babies were down for their second nap, Alan was watching Jack and Fiona.) I didn’t get a break all day, oh my gosh here I go again, see it’s that damn PMS. I walk by milkmaids, blue wild flowers. When I was a little girl I would wake up early, go for long walks in the back yard and the field behind our house.  I picked wildflowers for my mom. Alan wakes up, he comes in the kitchen sighing, “Oh Fuck”, not a loud Oh Fuck, but a muted one. He has to work in the office this morning. “I could of slept for another three hours.” He says. “Why didn’t you, and do your office work later?” I say. “You know how that goes.” He says. Alan takes his toast, tea, water, and IPad to the office. “Don’t slam the door.” I say. I hear Jack and Fiona starting to make sounds. It’s time to go get my babies. Change diapers, make bottles, and whatever else needs to be done. “Here I come babies.”

“Freeeeeeeeee, they want to be free” My song for Jack and Fiona. They do. They want to be free. Last night in the nursery, feeling relaxed and amazing, I wondered, how can I bring this “At Peace” feeling into the days? Maybe I can’t, I have to be constantly “On Duty” every moment. I just closed the gates back up because the babies started playing on the stairs. It’s almost time for their morning nap. They are getting weak and tired and dangerous. I have to be making these choices for Jack and Fiona all day balancing freedom with safety. It’s exhausting. We’re taking the babies swimming today. I hope they like it. I’m excited! It’s gonna be a good day.

Oh, I decided I’m not doing a cleanse. I’ll add the green juice every day, add more salads, kale and healthy foods. I think that’s good enough. The End