He Always has an Ulterior Motive, but we can’t help but get sucked in.

He failed to see the humor in it. I presented an idea, one my brother and I thought was a great idea. Danny talked to our Dad first. He left me a message. “I found out what Dad wants.” So he does want something, I was right. When he called me on my birthday he had an ulterior motive, when he called and left a message that said “I love You” with a gleeful voice he had an ulterior motive. The kind of message I longed to hear my whole life. I call my dad after talking to Danny and he tells me his news, “I’m second runner up for King, if something happens to the King I’ll be named King and honored at the weight loss convention in Sparks at the Golden Nugget, but the King seems to be doing O.K. so far.”

“That sounds like a scam to get people into the Casino to gamble, your dad weighed like 100 pounds when we saw him six years ago, unless he put on a bunch of weight, he didn’t even have a belly.” Says my husband.

He’s Danny and my (Almost) only relative, he’s Jack and Fiona’s only Grandpa. He’s a dead beat and always will be.

I find myself getting upset again. What do I do? Just let my dad and the memory of him shrivel like a raisin? Do I go on a great adventure with Danny and the babies, meet him in Reno, Danny can film it, I can write. (This idea my husband thinks is weird.) Maybe it is, maybe it’s totally idiotic. It sounded like fun, we can visit Malissa and her family, take the babies on a hike on the PCT. I thought Alan would think it was a good idea, that way we keep my Dad and Betty three hours away from our house, clean and simple.

My Dad sounded like a kid, an excited kid asking his mother for money to go to the ice cream shop. I got wrapped up in his passion, something I never see in him, I said, “Write me a letter, tell me all the details, dates, can you do that?” I give him my address (again) and he says he will write me a letter.

It’s another Gloomy morning, a good day for studio work and writing. I just put Jack and Fiona down for a nap. They seem extra tired and cranky today. Maybe it’s the weather.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist