The Power I Have.

Yea! A break! Babies down for the morning nap. Jack’s fighting off a bad cold, poor little guy. We have a visitor, Bruce. He was a father figure to me when I was a kid. That makes him like a grandpa to Jack and Fiona. We lost touch for over 20 years, reconnecting again last year. In my life simplification/rebalancing process I felt the need to make contact with him. I didn’t feel right that we all left things the way we did. The last time I saw Bruce was in PB when I was strung out, right before I hitched to NY. When I called him last year he didn’t know my mom had died. They lost contact after breaking up, my mom just moved up North and closed off her previous life and contacts. None of us know why. It’s been great reconnecting with someone who meant so much to my brother and I growing up. I was six, Danny was four. I remember asking Bruce how old he was. “I’m over the hill” he’d say. I had a picture of a hill in my mind and a man walking over it.

Jack and Fiona are reaching new dangers this week. They can reach the window sill, put their toes on the base board, and pull up to see out the window. It’s bad. I could never understand how moms could let their baby’s accidently fall out of a second story window, now I can imagine that happening. They are fast. I’ve been working hard introducing the word, “NO”. I’ve had some success, but sometimes it turns into a fun game. Last night they were banging on the window. Bruce said, “NO”. Jack and Fiona turned, looked at him, smiled, hit the window, “No” says Bruce again. They look at him and laugh, they repeat this process over and over again until we give up. I’m hiding my face because it’s making me laugh. Linda said I really need to work on my facial expression when I tell the babies “No”. Jack and Fiona make it hard to have a stern look.

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Bruce said he was worried about me. He started reading my Dirty Laundry Blog, said it sounded like I was really stressed out, especially in the first posts I wrote. He said I should go back and read them, it sounded like I was going to have a breakdown. Maybe that’s a testament of the power of writing. Maybe getting it all out makes things seem less stressful because I can see the bigger picture. I’ve also been able to do yoga and meditation a lot more regularly in the past month and a half than I have since Jack and Fiona were born. I stopped taking klonopin at night for insomnia. I stopped taking Zoloft. This week I stopped taking Benadryl and Tylenol PM at night. I think what’s made the biggest shift, I learned this from myself, is that I’m not supposed to be perfect. Life isn’t easy. I won’t feel good all the time or be in a good mood. I’ll get depressed sometimes and that’s totally normal. I’ll be tired, I’ll get a stomach ache, it doesn’t mean any more than that. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. I might not “Fit in” or “relate” to a lot of people but who cares! I’m learning to follow my heart and not second guess myself, my art, or my writings. When I do start having anxiety I know have the power to “Stop”, get off the “Merry Go Round”. I know I have the power to clear my schedule and just relax with the babies all day and sometimes that’s what I need to do. I know I have the power to NOT feel guilty about it either!

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