I just put the babies down for a nap, 9:16AM. We’ve gone back to two naps in the past few days, partly by design, partly due to runny noses and the babies night time coughing. I could have kept them up this morning, gone to the park, read more books, spent more of this disappearing time I have with them, but I needed a break, a moment to think to myself. It sounds like they needed it too, Fiona cried at first, that sad little cry with squinty eyes that makes me want to pick her back up, but I didn’t, now she’s quiet as a mouse. Jack was ready this time.

Jack has awhile to go before he can reach the pedals on his new trike. He likes it just the same using his feet to cruise around the garage. I took a picture and he looks like a real little kid. Sitting on the plastic Fisher Price three wheeler, with his helmet on, his runny nose and drooling mouth, but he’s still a baby, only sixteen months. He’s strong willed and I’ve learned I can’t win a battle with Jack. To overpower him with my adult strength is something I refrain from doing, I wouldn’t want him to mimic my behavior on Fiona or a friend smaller than him. I just change the focus as gracefully as I can by hugging him or showing him a container of sprinkles. Then I can easily get him dressed or get a diaper on! We’ve been out to lunch two times in the past three days. Once just me and the babies, then Saturday Alan was with us. Both times Jack and Fiona behaved really well, I mean there was still food all over the floor, I had to clear the tables of anything non-essential, and be on top of the situation every minute. I felt like it was intense and crazy. But both times I received praise from fellow diners and wait staff. They said I did a great job and made it look easy. They were welcome compliments!

I’ve been really missing my mom, it’s been almost eight years since she died, December 20, 2008. She was definitely my biggest fan, she was always so proud of me and that made me feel good and supported. It’s funny how some losses leave a void that can’t be replaced. The relationship I had with my mom was so special. It really is hard without that outlet. I used to think it is easier for people who lose their moms when they are old and their death comes as no surprise, but now I know the feelings would be the same, they still will have the void. I’m envious of those who have their moms in their lives for longer than I did! I still get jealous when I hear other moms talking about taking their kids to see grandma, I hope they know how lucky they are. I am also aware of all the kids that don’t get along with their moms and have a terrible or non-existent relationship, and I know how lucky I was to have the special bond with my mom that I did.