I found/find myself slipping. Into that sticky yucky cotton candyness feeling. Barely hanging on, annoyed by the popes visit, annoyed by everything even myself. I can’t even stand myself. Extreme fatigue. I’ve got the wah wah wahs. So I grab the unopened bag of chocolate chips, grab a handful and eat. Oh no I think, not down this path. I make cookies so I don’t keep eating the chips. The thought of them now makes me sick. I gorged.
I took the babies to Early Start three days in a row this week. It’s so intense, the preparation, the anxiety I get from the preparation, the driving. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna crash, just run off the road or collide with another vehicle. The intensity of putting the babies and all the gear in the car, then sometimes the crying. I feel like I’m literally melting down, then comes the withdraw. I guess it’s just so many emotions it gets overwhelming. I never really think about the hearing loss, but when we go to early start it’s all I can think about. It becomes real, it becomes something I need to know about. One more thing in my already jummbled up mind. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up fresh. Rested with a clear head and no pain. But that’s just a wish.