“Fiona do you want more milk?” 

“No no no”

“Fiona Let me see that toy”

“No no no”

It has begun. Fiona has found her no word. This is good, it’s a positive part of developement, it’s all about autonomy. It also means Fiona has been listening and understanding my constant “no, don’t do that” or

“Et et et et” the way to say no to dogs, I use that a lot. The thing I say that I’m not proud of, it’s not even my style or a word I ever used very much at all. I’ve gotten in a bad habit of saying ” would you JUST SHUT UP!” Or “PLEEEASE SHUT UP” or “SHUT UP You’re driving me CRAZY!” This is in response to the HORRIBLE whining Fiona is SO good at. It gets under my skin. I know it’s VERY wrong to say things like that to my children. I guess I assumed they didn’t understand me, it never stopped the whining or crying. But I think they will eventually understand     And probably say it back to me, which would be really bad.  Or possibly say it to another kid, that would be bad too. So from this day forward I will NOT tell my kids to shut up. 

A thought just crossed my mind, it visits me often, “how did I even become a parent? Am I really a parent?” When Jack and Fiona were babies things didn’t  seem set in stone it just seemed like there was a lot more work to do. Two more things to take care of. Now that they are turning into kids it feels real. It feels like I’m in a family. It’s overwhelming. There’s so much stuff in my house. I can never seem to keep the clutter in check. I can never clear my mind of the clutter. 

I just heard Fiona’s crying coming from the nursery. It’s time to get to work. I hope my mind shifts from feeling the way it does now to a more relaxed way. More hopeful. We’re going to the gym this morning, exercise is good. If I get some time in my studio too maybe I’ll feel better.