Sweat starts to roll down my stomach, as I drink my hot cup of coffee, the heater was left on last night. 7:00AM  Wednesday morning. I open the window, feel cool damp air, hear rain drops falling on different surfaces creating a symphony of sound. My arm getting damp as I sit by the open window and write. The window I can no longer open because it’s a certain fall to death for the babies. I hear Jack saying “mommy, mommy, mommy” my shoulders are tense, my neck tight. Last night we had a bit of difficulty, nursery time has been difficult since the bed conversion and last night was no exception. We did our bath, that went fine, then robes on, then after a few minutes of coercing I finally got Jack and Fiona to sit by my sides. I got them each in their own space, so Fiona wasn’t pushing Jack away and neither baby was climbing on top of me to make sure they had me closest to them, I opened the book Jack wanted to read, The Best Story Book Ever by Richard Scarry, yes- we are settled in. I open the first page and start to read, babies are calm. The door opens, Daddy wants to say good night. Both babies jump up, all my work to calm Jack and Fiona down, dissapears. I get mad, “I’m going to take my shower and put on my pajamas” I leave the room.

I come back to finish up, Jack and Fiona are jumping on the bed, screaming, all would up. I’m mad, Alan gets mad at me for being so mad. I put on the babies diapers, pajamas, read another book, put them in their cribs. They get up, I’m exausted and need a break. “Goodnight babies, I’ll check on you later”

I come upstairs to watch a show and have a cup of tea. I hear the babies jumping, banging, laughing, screaming, It may sound cute but it was annoying. 9:30PM they are still going strong. Alan and I go down to investigate. Jack has the lights on the brightest setting and  the room is tore up. We change both babies diapers, I clean the room, straighten the beds, put both babies in thier beds.  We say “goodnight” and go to our room. I hear Jack calling for me, making lots of noise. I open my door and see he’s got the light on again. It’s 10:00PM. Alan tapes up the light switch and we go back to bed. Jack starts crying “mama mommy mama mommy” I go in again, it’s 10:30 now. I hold Fiona in my lap next to Jacks bed and rub Jacks back singing. They both relax. I put Fiona in her bed and leave the room, I hear Jack crying again. This time he goes to sleep after a few minutes. 

He’s been calling for me this morning since I woke up. I thought for sure he would sleep in. It’s stressful. I want them calm again. Now Fiona’s awake and I hear things being thrown. I need to go now. I’m looking forward to my few hours of studio time today.