“Look Mama, I pooped in the toilet!” (oh shit,I pooped on the rug too)

“Look mama! I did it!” Jack calls. I find him in the bathroom looking into the toilet, smiling the proudest smile.

“Great Job Jack, Daddy, Fiona, come here, Jack went poop in the toilet!” I say.

We all stand around the toilet looking at three light brown poops. He finally did it, it’s Jacks first time pooping all on his own in the toilet. Yea! I think. I wipe his butt and we all go on about our business, Alan watching the votes tally in Britain to see if they will be leaving the E.U. on his IPHONE. I’m doing my usual cleaning up in the kitchen, the NON-Stop picking up, I hear Jack and Fiona across in the other room laughing and having a great time. I go over to see what they are up too, on the way I look at the pictures on my IPHONE from the day. I can’t stop looking because it was complete paradise, just what I needed. WE met up with my good friend at Mc Nears beach, it was beautiful. She had her kids (she’s their nanny) We had a picnic, played in the water and sand, the kids all had so much fun, but relaxing fun. I did not have to say no hardly at all. Only when Jack walked on moss covered rocks or was about to throw sand, but it was easy to have eyes on all four kids at any given time, my friend and I were able to have great conversations, I actually laid down and looked up at a palm tree. It was brilliant. I’m recapping the day, Alan comes and asks me who I’m texting, “I’m not, I’m looking at pictures” I say. I think I smell poop but don’t think much of it. Then Alan and I both realize there’s poop and pee on the floor, Jacks pushing the mop, the part with the bristles along the floor “cleaning up” poop is streaked all over the floor, rug, ground into the mop, on Jacks hand, foot, butt, and the wall. It’s not easy cleaning poop out of the fringe on the edge of the carpet. Have I mentioned Jack and Fiona won’t wear diapers or clothes when we’re at home? That was part of the brilliance on McNears, they just walked around naked, or with just shirts on. Fiona kept her swim diaper on longer, I think she thought it was cool. They’ll definitely be potty trained by the end of summer, no training required really. I’ve heard so many stories from moms about bribing their kids to potty train, I need to bribe them not to potty train. I don’t do that, but it’s tempting after I’ve just put on a clean diaper and they tell me they have to go pee. I get so frustrated!  Right now I’m so happy, it’s 6:26AM and not a peep from below! I’ve eaten my toast and drank my coffee in peace. It’s wonderful. It’s hard to get peace with toddler twins, every peaceful moment in a miracle.

I am finding it hard to fit in everything without any time off. I have to choose between my studio and working out when they are napping. This week I’ve picked my workouts, we’re in an intense stage of development and I have been feeling SUPER STRESSED by the time I put them down for their nap, I just need a good sweat session and nice hot shower. It totally works. And my workouts are thirty to forty-five minutes versus needed at least an hour in my studio. Especially when I’m ready to start a whole new series. I guess I could always work in my notebooks. If only I could work on them up here so I wasn’t so limited. I’ve also been spending LOTS of my spare moments studying my sign language, I’m making real progress and I am dedicated to incorporating it into my daily life. In Fact, yesterday at the beach, Fiona didn’t wear her hearing aids for half the day because of the water play, we were sitting down and she started saying something to me, I couldn’t understand. I used sign language and she responded, we moved past the whiny thing, and she showed me what she wanted, her friends’ rubber boot. I was also able to communicate with my friend who has hearing loss and is fluent in sign language from afar, that was pretty cool. I’m quite impressed with myself, thinking back when I first started my journey into sign I was so upset, I thought I would NEVER be able to learn, I thought the alphabet looked SO difficult. I got mad at the fact my dominant hand is supposed to do all the action, I was really frustrated with all the rules. It was kind of like the way I felt when I first started running. I could barely run three miles, I couldn’t get my pace up and thought there was no way. One day I found myself running a 10K at a nice pace, no pain in my knees, just feeling good. Maybe that’s just the way it goes, every new practice we embark on will come with growing pains, frustration, self-doubt, but then there’s those moments when we feel fluidity. An ease, an immersion.

I really got excited last week when I decided getting my credential was my long term plan. Then I started self-doubting, what if it’s a mistake, what if it’s too much work with the babies, what if I hate it, I haven’t even talked to my husband about it yet because I’m afraid of all the things he might say. (But if he reads this blog post today I guess he’ll know) He might say it’s a waste of time, no money, ect, ect, ect, and what if he’s right. He’ll say I told you so. I don’t want to be taken away from my babies, my art, my husband, my home, my life. Am I being idealistic to think becoming a teacher in my community, maybe at even the same school my kids go to will enrich our lives as a family? Even though Alan makes enough to support us all, wouldn’t my financial contribution to our family, even if it’s just getting us health insurance be worthy of something? I do feel like there are so many positives to the plan. But will I get burnt out or inspired? What about the bureaucracy? Will it be soul crushing? But to change the world we need to start at the bottom. I would be in the system. I feel like it’s the right thing to do, I know I can do it. I’ll be spending the rest of my savings on school, but if I die tomorrow what difference does it make, I can’t take my savings with me. I feel like I have so much to offer my community, and my paintings aren’t getting out there enough, yet! Someday they will, I’m sure, maybe when I’m eighty, if I live that long! Anyhow time to start thinking about the day ahead! It’s gonna be a great day, just breath!!!

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist