Fiona sits on my lap, leaning the side of her head onto my chest as the audiologist looks in her ears, first the left, then the right, gently pushing a small piece of cotton with a string attached in each ear. Jack watches and pretends he is a doctor looking in my ears with a plastic toy. Fiona is perfectly still as the audiologist mixes the putty and squirts some in each of her ears. We sit and wait for the putty to harden. Fiona examines my hands. First, she holds my pinky fingers, then turns my hand over, running her fingers down the creases, spending extra time on a cut on my thumb, feeling the scab that has formed. Jack plays with the collection of toys in the doctor’s office that have now become familiar to him. I am in awe of the difference from the last time we came to get ear molds. Jack was all over the place, going behind the desk, under the desk, opening the door to the office, walking out, into storage closets. I had to keep going after him. I was expecting a version of this behavior today, but he stays quiet and respectful of his sisters visit to the audiologist to get new ear molds. Are we entering a new phase? As we play footsies under the table, I’m typing, Jack’s watching Blippi on the ipad. He has been waking up at the same time I do every morning. We both take a sip of coffee, (his is diluted with cream) I imagine us in the future having coffee together in some foreign country, maybe Cuba. Fiona is still sleeping, she needs a lot more sleep than Jack.
It’s a foggy morning, the greens and rust colors on the trees outside sit gently against the light grey winter sky. Last night we sat on the couch and listened to Christmas songs. We put a wreath on the front door that has red and gold decorations and LED lights. It felt good. This morning I have a couple hours of help, this feels good. I took Billy for her walk and took my shower, now I sit in my bedroom alone, quiet. I still have the lightness and inspiration from my walk. In the backyard, my eyes delighted by the colors, on the fig tree. The ground covered with large, beautiful, green gold leaves, some remain scattered on the light ash colored branches. I gasp, Billy looks at me, I explain to her the beauty I see. Does she understand? We walk up the trail and the streams are finally trickling water down the hillside. I practice taking my deep breaths, feeling like I have all the time in the world, feeling calm. Is it my medicine kicking in? Is it just a natural shift in mood? Is it my detachment from politics? Something has changed. It feels good.
I have at least an hour to go work in my studio now, then more time during nap time. That makes me happy.