Step one: Yell “FUCK” in a long, slow, low, voice as the strawberry jam jar slips out of my hands and crashes onto the floor.

Step Two: Say: “Jack step back, be careful, there’s glass everywhere.”

Step Three: Stay calm

Step Four: get a broom and dustpan, try to push everything to one area, being careful not to drag too much jam across the floor.

Step Five: throw away as much of the mess picked up by broom and dustpan, rinse broom and dustpan in sink.

Step Six: get a wash cloth, get on hands and knees, carefully wipe floor from one end to the other, very carefully, getting up all the tiny shards of sticky glass. Throw away dishtowel, it’s too difficult to rinse without cutting hand.

Step Seven: get a clean warm damp dishtowel and repeat step six with spray cleaner.

Step Eight: take break, the final step of vacuuming and mopping whole floor can wait until later, best after mealtimes are over, the children will inevitably make more messes as the day progresses.