“STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE” this cop shouts. I look his direction. “I’m not, really” I say. “YES, YOU ARE” he says. I didn’t like his tone. He had asshole written all over his face. I still should have said, “OK” and put my phone down. I wasn’t even looking at anything, except a big blob of a bright red and yellow and green circle that was hurricane Maria, at the same time I was listening about the earthquake in Mexico on the radio. I was also still wondering what kind of birds I’ve been seeing that fly in a flock and look like a cross between a turtle dove and a hawk, birds I’ve never seen here before. The light was red, when it turned green I turned right. I failed my first driving test because I didn’t turn right on a red. I learned to drive in New York where rights on reds were illegal and I was taking the test in California. Maybe the cop was annoyed at me because I was lollygagging. I was too numb to be on the go. I am too numb. The cop made me cry, a few tears came from my eyes and my body felt frightened. I felt scolded like a child and mad like a rebel.
“I love you mommy” Fiona said as I carried her in my arms, the top of her head was all purple. We were playing tag and she fell over a big tree. Her eyes were closing. “Wake up Fiona” I said as I carried her up the hill. I had been lost all night. As usual I couldn’t remember any phone numbers or find any phones that worked. There was a party at my house, shards of glass were on the floor, windows broken out. “What happened?” I said. “I have three-and-a-half-year old’s, you need to pick up this glass” At the top of the stairs I left the house. I walked through people, I saw a city scape and a mountain range. All the people I met were nice. They were artists and musicians and children. I kept trying to find out where my family was. I thought I was in Oregon but there was no smoke in the air. When I woke up I was surprised how deep I had fallen back asleep. I woke up sometime last night with insomnia, afraid to look at the clock. I thought I would be up for the rest of the night.
A giant spider just crawled up my wall. Dark brown, menacing. Billy the dog is laying down at my feet and the house is quiet. There’s only moments left before I must take a shower and pick up the little ones. Jack didn’t want to go to school today, he said he was scared, that kids were hitting and pushing him. I don’t know if it’s true or not. But it reminded me of what a cruel world it is. As much as I have protected and nurtured and poured everything into raising my babies they will eventually be exposed to all the things we think are true about life but turn out to be untrue as we get older. Fiona told me she wanted long hair, like her friend. There’s no way for me to alter their course anymore, how they respond to peer pressure. I will always have conversations with them and in the end when they are old my teachings will be in their core just like my moms are in mine. But my children are individuals, I don’t control their minds, they are free, just as I have always been free. It was a strange feeling when I saw this door opening, this future door.