The air quality is good today. The sky, blue. I had the blues this morning. I’ve had the blues for many months, I haven’t written since October. As I walked above Boyd Park, in the open space that has been closed since the Camp fire, I cried as I decided to put everything that is sad in the world, all the suffering people endure in a special place in my body. Behind my heart. Then I cried harder because I thought, there’s always going to be another tragedy. And I will be sad again, all over again. I wonder if I ever fully recover from these bumps in the road. I wonder how I am even where I am today. I could have been homeless. There’re all kinds of homelessness, but the one I mostly identify is the one who doesn’t fit in. The one who always feels guilty or sad. The one who can’t talk or answer any questions. The one who’s lost in anxiety. But I’m not that homeless person. I’m a successful parent and wife, with a warm, safe, place to dwell. I have food and can cook well. I love my family and take good care of my dog. When I paint or draw or go see art, I’m the sanest person I’ve ever met.
I must go to the park today. I will take my children to the park today. It’s a place I feel comfortable. It’s a place I feel comfortable with them, where I can breathe. And we have fresh air today. Beautiful, fresh air. With a giant golden sun which hangs above my uneasy grounds.
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