It’s a beautiful day. It feels good to be back in Marin. It’s sunny and warm. The daisies are tall, they cover the ground. Bee’s and moths make stops on tops. The kids are watching T.V. with French bread and butter inside. I take a short break outside. I leave piles of dirty laundry and mess inside. I have to let it go, the mess bothers me, it’s physically too much for me to keep up with. My meatless fridge worries me, meat makes carnivores happy. My kitchen gets complaints. Mama’s kitchen, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I’m making lentils and brown rice. This will not be a winner. For me, it’s a winner. I need to let go of the three different meal situation in my family. Let it go. Is it fair? I don’t know.

Next week I start my new art project, I got into the 50/50 show at the Sanchez Art Gallery. It’s 50 paintings in 50 days. It will be my main focus. I need to clean and organize my studio tomorrow. Practice my imagery and work out my palette. We start the official project on June 12^th. I’m excited. But in order to do a good job I need to let the dirty laundry and the three different dinners a night, a vegan meal for me, a meat meal for my husband and a kids meal for the kids. I can’t do it anymore.

I’m also done for now with my research for Fiona’s education. That’s not entirely true, but I need to focus on my art and my language development, ASL and I am starting a Spanish class next week too. How am I going to do all this? I need to become regimented. I need a schedule. But reduce my duties.

The kids need me a lot now. They always have, but now there is a quickness in their development. Identity is becoming very important, and with that comes angst. In a way, boy/girl twins have a unique insight into the mind of the opposite sex. Jack and Fiona study each other, every thought, every move they watch each other and listen to each other. Fiona is losing a tooth, and Jack is jealous, but also it seems to have changed his attitude toward her. I think he looks up to her more. Fiona is maturing faster than Jack. Jack still reminds me of a toddler sometimes, but sometimes like a boy.

How to give all I can to those who need from me, but still take care of myself and do the work I need to do outside of home and family?

And the worry? Just now I was reminded I still have at least two more hearing doctor appointments with Fiona in June. And she’s totally not into going anymore. I even wonder if it’s worth taking another hearing test right now? I wonder if all of the testing as Fiona’s hearing changes is stressing her out? Today she still said she couldn’t hear out of her left ear. I asked her, is it infected or just the way your ear is? She got mad, it’s just the way my ear is, she said. I felt bad, but realized she really does need to continue studying sign and will probably need to use an interpreter sometime in her life.

I still have many questions, but one thing I know is I don’t want to follow a strict oralist approach. I feel like Fiona will end up being in a difficult situation. She tries so hard to hear. My question is, does the oralist only route put too much pressure on the Deaf/HOH person to “hear”, and when they don’t or fail the hearing test what does that do to their self-esteem? That’s what I loved about the ASL bilingual approach, it seems like it creates a confidence, that if a persons hearing aids don’t work or can’t be worn in certain situations there is something to fall back on, sign language. It makes so much sense. But I have to let the worry about this go too. What will be will be.

Time to get back to domestic duties now. The house is such a mess.