Something surprised Denise. I was talking about how I felt when Jack and Fiona first arrived. My in laws and my husband had a genetic “ownership” over jack and Fiona. I struggled with it. “He looks like this relative, she looks like that relative.” I felt grief over the fact that a piece of my mom wasn’t in the babies or a “Part” of me. It was like I somehow was out of the picture. I had to tell them. Tell them they were driving me crazy with that talk. Tell them to have some consideration for my feelings.

Out of nowhere Fiona starts crying. It’s 6:00 A.M. The 14 month evaluation of Fiona’s progress and development is today. We revisit our goals set at the last evaluation, I can’t remember what month that was. I am realizing that we need to work harder on communication with Fiona. To get Fiona’s attention, even with the hearing aids on we need to make eye contact. Sometimes I treat her just like Jack. But I know she’s misses a lot. If I say “Jack, do you want some water” he comes running no matter where he is or which way his head is pointed. “Fiona, Fiona, Fiona do you want water?” I need to show her the water cup, make eye contact. People always ask me, “Will it get better? (Her hearing)” When it was first diagnosed, at birth, Alan thought it was a mistake. His mother believed it would get better. She believed if she prayed it would help. Everyone said, “It seems like she can hear.” I would explain, “She can hear, she just can’t hear like us, she won’t be able to learn language or to speak properly without the use of her hearing aids or learning sign language.” Fiona’s hearing loss is permanent. It’s her unique DNA. It’s just the way she’s put together.

I feel like I’m somewhere else. It’s so hot this morning and dry. The birds are singing, the freeway humming. The babies are still sleeping. I saw a good friend yesterday, Denise. We were neighbors for years, when she moved I was devastated. Really sad. I talked to Denise about every next step along the road to baby. Denise helped me make the final decision to use a donor egg. We drank wine and looked through the profiles of all the egg donors. We picked Katherine. She was an artist like me. She had tattoos, similar eyes and a smile like me. I felt like it was the craziest decision I’ve ever had to make. It’s wild to think about how many different combinations of sperm and egg we’ve gone through. First there was mine and Alan’s, then Alan’s and Katherine’s, then C’s egg and Alan’s sperm, the winning combination. That is a lot to go through to have a baby. We also went through three wombs, first mine, I tried two of the combinations. Then the first Mellissa, then the second Malissa. I could go on! It was a long way from just sticking it in and getting pregnant!

Took Jack and Fiona to the park this morning. It was quiet and cool. They could only handle a half hour before getting too tired.  Made it home, took Jack and Fiona into their nursery, sleep sac on, crib, “The Sounds of Yoga CD”, spray lavender, it’s 9:22, they are zonked! Score! Now there’s even a breeze releasing that dead heat of the early morning. The chimes are blowing, and I’ve still got the rest of my beautiful day.