Eyes shaky, Head foggy, feel a twitch under my eye every so often. Fan on, humming louder than I remember it. An old muffin wrapper, black pepper in a tin can, salt in glass, a yogurt top with dried yogurt on it, a shriveled-up apple core, a plastic bag that once contained a hardboiled egg, a sports bra, paintings, bits and pieces of paintings, plastic bags from the art store, receipts, old socks that became rags, paintings, paint tubes, brushes, everything used, everything marching to its last stroke, it’s last droplet of paint, used up, garbage now, painting like a mad woman. I can’t stop painting. Just one more thing, one more color. Does it work? Does it not work? I guess it’s right for this moment. Deep breath. Take a drink of water. Calm down. Turn off fan. It’s quiet now. Let eyes adjust. Don’t focus on twitch. In through the nose out from the mouth.
Category: moods
-
I found/find myself slipping. Into that sticky yucky cotton candyness feeling. Barely hanging on, annoyed by the popes visit, annoyed by everything even myself. I can’t even stand myself. Extreme fatigue. I’ve got the wah wah wahs. So I grab the unopened bag of chocolate chips, grab a handful and eat. Oh no I think, not down this path. I make cookies so I don’t keep eating the chips. The thought of them now makes me sick. I gorged.
I took the babies to Early Start three days in a row this week. It’s so intense, the preparation, the anxiety I get from the preparation, the driving. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna crash, just run off the road or collide with another vehicle. The intensity of putting the babies and all the gear in the car, then sometimes the crying. I feel like I’m literally melting down, then comes the withdraw. I guess it’s just so many emotions it gets overwhelming. I never really think about the hearing loss, but when we go to early start it’s all I can think about. It becomes real, it becomes something I need to know about. One more thing in my already jummbled up mind. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up fresh. Rested with a clear head and no pain. But that’s just a wish. -
It takes a long time. I started off the morning on the deck with Jack and Fiona, I had one of my notebooks from my note book project. (One of my thoughts is to keep one with me while on domestic duty) I bought Jack and Fiona each thier own notebook. Of course most of the time they are eating the crayons, chalk, markers, or putting paint in their mouths. When they did decide to lay down some marks this morning, Fiona drew on one side of the glass on the door and Jack drew on the other side. It was kinda cool so I didn’t tell them no. I worked on some quick sketches and played with the markers and crayons. I still have a challenge getting loose in those situations. But I’m working on it.
By the time I got down to my studio ready to work it was already 1:00pm. I wanted to be in by 12:00 at the latest, but the babies are still feeling yucky so I stayed with Lindsay until nap time to give some TLC. It’s something I like to do when I have someone here helping me. I can give each baby extra attention. Something that’s impossible when it’s just me and two babies.
I feel crappy too, so it took me a whiny while to get into things. It took lots of work as well, prepping all the paper and deciding what the hell to work on. I knew I wanted to use the press and collage.
I felt like it was hard work every step of the way, I had to use restraint. I was also fighting the voices in my head telling me my throat hurts, my chest hurts, my legs ache, and I’m kind of melencholy. But I stayed strong and tried to remember I’m a professional working artist. This is my job. I have two jobs, I’m a mother and Housewife and an Artist.
Neither make me any money, but both are equally as important. If I had to support us we’d be living on the street, but that’s not important right now.What is important about today is documenting and realizing that it takes a long time to push through and work from a pure expression from inside myself.
When I painted my last group I felt totally connected with the process. I’ve been practicing something Carl suggested to me in the workshop, something I’ve been struggling with. I am getting closer and these last pieces Feel like I was one with all the parts on the paper and the paper itself.
I was able to keep any hesitation from my mind subdued.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 