Been thinking a lot about paintin’, been paintin’ a lot. Have painted over everything I’ve made lately four or five or ten times. My work for SIMPATICO is at the frame shop. Lucky for me and lucky for it. I may have ruined it all. My hands are covered in paint, strange because: I didn’t have the energy to work in my studio today or write. But here I am doing both. My recent series, in preparation for SIMPATICO, I have gone down a dark path of phylos, burnt umbers, red- blacks, blue -greys, garish pinks, rusts, yellows, figures appearing at times, yelling and screaming, keeling over in pain. I’ve exhausted pieces of paper, my brain, and my body. Obsessive and detrimental; I can’t stop. Pulling out the large canvas ripped open a deep crevice inside me. From the beginning. Painting on large pieces of found wood and Masonite. Large un-stretched canvas tacked on the wall. Painting over and over them until a texture built up on the surface. Like my body. Covered in a thick callus, a chronic thickness evenly distributed on my most used parts. I am growing out of my studio and my mind. I paint obsessively. I must use extreme mindfulness techniques to remain fully present when I’m parenting. I’m very successful at it. If I feel myself slipping away, thinking thoughts like, “I could put on the T.V., give them a popsicle, and run down to my studio.” When these thoughts pop in my head I use re-direction with myself. I figure out some way to get engaged, I watch, I draw and write in my journal, or with the babies, we play playdough and play dirt in the garden. It works. I love my babies so much I don’t want to take for granted the time I have with them. In between all of this I find myself slipping away in despair when I listen to the debate and hear about shooting after shooting. The paintings gain even more importance to me; I have to express myself; PURGE my Soul. I went to the SF MOMA the other day and left questioning what I have to offer as a painter anyhow? Why I paint? What’s unique about my paintings? I do know why I paint, I can’t not paint. My paintings are only unique because I am a unique person and they come from inside me. This makes my paintings necessary to myself, my existence, which would make my painting important to my family too, because I have a healthy outlet. That’s why my paintings exist and why I want to show them, and why SIMPATICO IS.
Category: motherhood
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O.K., here I am, again: Studio, fan on, hour remaining, supposed to clean closet, painted crazy, did book entries, work on GAP frag project. Don’t know if paintings are done yet. Think they are. In big trouble. Painting on large canvas, going to become a problem; quickly. Have nowhere to store. Been painting over them, several times, make sure; fully take advantage of working on a surface that allows me to work over my paintings several times; unlike paper. When I work on paper I like to leave as much of the paper as possible, or feel it’s over worked. I overwork canvases too, get mad and throw them away. But that’s usually after I bring out the oils out of desperation. Having my Notebook Project and now, my GAP Frag exchange project I can divert my attention from A painting that’s driving me crazy. Glad I got in my studio today. Closet can wait.
Spent the day home with the babies; Runny noses. We played by the fig tree, the empty garden, watched butterflies, birds, and squirrels. We ate mango, watermelon, quesadillas, the babies had hot dogs and popcorn. I told Jack and Fiona what it meant to be a vegetarian. I asked them if they were vegetarians. Jack said yes. Then I asked Jack, “Do you like to eat meat?” He said “Yes”. I told them they can choose to eat animals or not, it was up to them. I told them I’m a vegetarian. Even though I do eat meat sometimes. As I was having this conversation, MOM popped in my head. I felt like a real Mom. A Parent. Deciding when I give my children choice and what is the Law. I am shaping them, shaping their minds. It’s strange. I’m in charge. I like to give lots of freedom. Choice.
Time to go now. I have to go. Time went by so fast. I’m so glad I came in my studio.
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Well, I ended up painting and doing art related business stuff all day. I have fifteen minutes left. I was planning on exercising or walking the dog, but I started on some paintings and couldn’t stop. It’s exciting today because all my work for the show is at the frame shop and my studios still clean from my studio visit. Fresh paint everywhere, yellows and blues. Today; enter in the light. I also worked on some GAP collabs with frags from Nicola, which was very exciting. I worked in my notebooks and on two large canvases. I want to work more on them, but know they need to dry. This forced restraint, needing to come upstairs to take care of the babies is good for me. I have a construction toddler video on for Jack and Fiona as I finish writing this piece. Poor little things have a head cold now. I can’t believe it; this is the third virus they have got back to back. I am finally feeling good today, my body becoming healthy and strong again. I hope I don’t get this head cold next! I guess that’s just life. It felt really good to get my work and the collab work Carl and I made for our SIMPATICO show. It’s going to look so amazing. I decided to go with a nice framing job and a clean presentation, it’s more expensive and I’ll have to raise my prices higher than I was intending on. I feel really strong about this body of work; including the COLLAB work Carl and I are showing. I can’t wait to see it up.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 