Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

Conflincting feelings about what I want to write about

August 21st, 2015
A Lot is happening. Today Jack and Fiona turned 18 months old. A milestone that seemed so far away, but here we are. I’m changing too, I have changed. I’m back in my studio now, Full Time. Things are happening here:


As well as upstairs. But The dishes are still there! My heart is racing, maybe it’s the Fall. Maybe it’s my settling in.


It won’t be long before those little ones can tell me what they want. And I can tell them what I want. And we’ll all live happily ever after. Until we die.


The workshop with Carl and Heather really inspired me. Being around Heather reminded me to be confident.


I don’t really know how to write about art, especially about my own art, but I’d like too. Maybe Part two of my Blog is more about Art, or more artful.
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My First time Alone in my House in Eighteen months

August 17th, 2015
I’m not worried the babies will wake up any minute or need me for any reason right now. I won’t need to make them anything to eat, tell them to “get down off that” or “don’t put that in your mouth” and I don’t need to check for poopy diapers. I don’t need to talk to anyone or tell anyone what to do. I can eat my yogurt and granola, drink my coffee, and write alone in my house for the first time since the babies were born. Jack and Fiona turn eighteen months this week so I signed them up for “camp” at our gym. When I dropped them off it felt weird leaving them somewhere, driving off in my car towards home without them. Fiona let out a small cry when I turned to leave, so I handed her Tiger and gave Jack Blue Blue. Then they both ran off and started interacting with another little girl the same age as them. It was cute. I felt emotional as I got onto the freeway but I also felt good, I am glad they get to do this, hang out with other kids, and develop a sense of self outside my world and my influence on them. I think it’s super important.

It’s quiet. I have twenty five minutes left of this quiet aloneness. This is good, I need this. I used to spend so much time alone and working in my studio. I miss it. Eighteen months isn’t really that long, it went by really fast. But I can feel the toll it’s had on me, the total exhaustion from taking care of everyone for so many days in a row without a real break. It’s hard. I guess I need to say how much I’ve loved every minute of it, how happy I am, and how wonderful my life is, because if I don’t add things like that some people get the wrong idea. My honesty comes with consequences, people start to worry, they might think I don’t like being a mom, or that I’m really stressed out. I’m not and I love being a mom, Jack and Fiona are amazing and fun and I love them with everything I have.

My free time is almost up, five minutes then I go pick up the babies. My mind scrambles at the thought, the sweet part is when they run towards me, happy to see me. The hard part is getting them in the stroller, in the car, out of the car, and upstairs for lunch. Worrying the whole way home they will fall asleep! So I take a deep breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth. I’ll do this on the way to get them and on the way home.
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There is a Place I belong, there are people who understand me

August 16th, 2015
Yesterday was the longest amount of time I’ve been away from the babies since they’ve been born. I left my house at 11Am and returned home at 7PM. As I drove east a smoky haze covered the sky falling down and touching the horizon line. The pollution layered my already dissatisfied mood with a touch of depression. I had been looking forward to doing the Rhythm and Presence workshop for months. The first time I signed up I wasn’t able to go because the babies were still babies and that got in my way. This time nothing was going to stop me, my own mind tried. It told me, after my friend said he wasn’t coming along because he was sick, “You’re too tired too, you should go hide, watch a movie, you shouldn’t be around people.” I told my mind to “SHUT UP!” and I got in my car and started to drive in the direction of the workshop. Insecurities crept in along the way, I historically have problems working in front of other people. But the way this workshop was set up overcame that obstacle with “ice breaker” exercises that really got me feeling relaxed and comfortable. I worked like a crazy person, painting, collaging, working with Carl and Heather, learning as much as I could from them. I got to work for around five glorious hours straight. It was fantastic, and depressing at the same time. I finally felt like myself again, I was working, I was in an amazing Art Center, surrounded by wonderful artists. On my way down I started to think I needed anti-depressants again because I’ve been feeling myself sinking deeper into my anti-social self. But once I arrived at the workshop I was fine. I was myself again, all the discontent of the weeks prior slipped out of my system. The paper, paint, chalk and charcoal in my hands expressing ideas to me. The glues bonding pieces, turning one thing into another without a plan, just a direction to go in and a surprise waiting to reveal itself. I needed that, to work with other artists, to remind myself there is a place I belong.
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