Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

Let Them Play!

June 3rd, 2015
“Oh my gosh Jack, I’m gonna go crazy!” I say. Jack woke up early from his nap and I’m still getting ready. Jack’s opening every drawer in our bathroom (that’s not childproofed) pulling everything out, razors, shaving cream, shoe polish, toothpaste “that” he says, over and over again. Holding a bottle of lube up, “That.” I keep taking the items and putting them back in the drawers, closing the drawers, then it repeats. He’s fast, I can’t keep up with him. It’s only 9:45am. Our reservation for Play Center isn’t until 11:45. I don’t think I can handle being in the house for that long at this pace. I call Play Center to see if there’s a spot at 10:30, there’s a Yoga class at that time too. They can’t take us till 11:00 at the earliest. I make an executive decision, cancel the gym and Yoga and go to the Discovery Museum instead. I wake up Fiona, get her ready, then put both babies in the car. I realize one of the bottles has totally spilt in our food bag. I’m annoyed but not surprised. It’s a beautiful day, we eat our lunch outside before we start playing.

It’s been awhile since we’ve been here. Jack and Fiona are the perfect age to enjoy everything the Tot Spot has to offer. They run around checking out the other kids, Fiona carries around an Otter puppet. They play with blocks shapes and put them in the correct slots. Its hectic keeping an eye on both, they go in opposite directions. My new strategy is to just stand in front of the door and engage in play with one of them every once in a while. The place is packed today. There is a member appreciation party with face painting and a bouncy house, I think Jack and Fiona are still too young so we skip that part. We play outside in the fake stream with the plastic fish and frogs, I hear all the other moms telling their kids, “Don’t splash” or “Don’t put that in your mouth.” I don’t say that stuff anymore because it’s a losing battle. I hope Jack and Fiona don’t splash near a kid that’s mom is hovering over them saying “don’t splash.” I imagine those moms getting mad at me because I’m letting my babies splash, but isn’t that what this stream is for? It’s a nice warm day, they won’t get cold.

We play in the Tot outside adventure playground next. They climb up the rope ladder, run down the hill, examine acorns and sticks from the Eucalyptus tree. There’s a two year old girl playing too, she’s really cute. Her mom was telling her not to put the water from the stream in her mouth earlier. I told her mom “I heard you keep saying “NO” to your daughter at the stream, I gave up on that! It’s too much!” Then I wondered, is that O.K. to say? Everyone’s so sensitive these days. Fiona is playing with a wheel you turn to make a lizard move up and down, I just showed her how to do it. She’s still a little young to be able to turn it very well. The two year old runs over and starts to turn it. Her mom says, “No! It’s not your turn, let the baby do it, you had your turn earlier.” I almost said, “It’s OK.” But then thought I can’t say that because to her mom it’s not OK. In my mind the little girl just wanted to show Fiona she could do it, I don’t think she could understand the concept her mom was trying to get across. Also the way toddlers move from one thing to the next so quickly I don’t think anyone has to worry about someone “Not getting a turn!” Fiona and Jack can handle themselves. I let them work it out on their own, I never interfere in free play unless I see danger. My babies don’t need to be protected from two and three year olds during play. Unless of course someone has a stick or something!
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Maternal Instinct

June 2nd, 2015
I had time to have breakfast before Jack and Fiona woke today. The sun shone through the cracks of my bedroom windows so brightly this morning, I thought it was really late. I looked at the clock and it was only 6:13A.M. “Wow” I thought. I snuck up stairs, my honey was still home. We whisper “Good morning” to each other. I make my toast and coffee and read a new post on a blog I follow. I start getting greedy and want time to write as well, but jack and Fiona wake up. They are both teething bad this week. Jack has two new bottom back teeth, maybe molars, and Fiona has a new front tooth cutting through. I never could have imagined talking about teeth coming in and babies crying behind me because they are uncomfortable and want me to hold them. The post I read this morning was about “Fertility Awareness” and about having the facts about our fertility before it’s too late. It made me think about how young I felt at 34, the age I started “Trying” to get pregnant. I really felt young still and had no concerns about getting pregnant. Maybe because having children was never something I “had” to do. I was on the fence and felt I could have a great life without children. I didn’t have a strong maternal instinct, if such a thing really exists.

Yesterday Linda said, “You do too much. When I read your Blog I can’t believe how much you do. I wish you would just sit on the couch sometimes and do nothing. The first four years you can’t do anything for yourself, until they go to kindergarten.” She also mentioned the fact that being an older mother is harder too because we’ve had so many years of doing whatever we want when we want to. When I was in Mendocino I read back through some of my posts and I did notice an urgency in my writing. Like there are so many things I feel I need to do, so many things I try to do, so many things I feel guilty not doing. But there are truly things I just can’t give up the next four years. But is there a way to make it seem not so hectic? It’s hard though, today I only have one thing planned, yoga. The babies are taking their nap now. I have their food for the day made and packed, bottles made, diaper bag ready. But I feel stress when I think about getting them up, dressed, in the car seats, in the stroller, dropping them off at play center. It’s still a lot, just all those steps. They are so heavy now and won’t stop moving so doing all those things is extra hard. Then I worry what if they fall asleep on the way home in the car. I don’t want them to do that. Blah Blah Blah! That’s just it. The whole day is hectic whether I leave the house or not. It’s physically and mentally draining no matter how “present” I am, or how “mindful” I am. Maybe that’s the point.

My Maternal Instinct is definitely kicked in now. I am very motherly. My brother once said he always wanted to come home from school and find our mom was baking fresh chocolate chip cookies. I will be that mother to Jack and Fiona. But even if I say “This is my job, being a mom, everything else can be put on hold” I don’t think my life will become easier or less stressful. I’ve had a lot of jobs, hard demanding jobs, but this is the hardest. It may also be the most rewarding because I receive so much gratitude from the babies. I know they appreciate everything I do and love being my children and that makes me feel good.
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Sometimes You just Gotta Let Them Cry it Out!

June 1st, 2015
Saturday night, 7:45PM I hear a wail from Jack, I go down to the nursery and Fiona’s awake too. I think maybe they are hungry. I make two new bottles, they didn’t finish their bedtime bottles but I threw them away. They sip on the bottles but are more excited I am here. They smile at me, stick their little hands out the crib, I touch their hands and they laugh. I go back upstairs and jack cries again. Maybe they’re hungry? This is very uncharacteristic of them, they usually go to sleep at 6:45 with no problems. I bring down two food packets, they both eat them. I go back upstairs to finish watching Wentworth. Jack starts crying again. I give it five minutes but he doesn’t stop. I go down to the nursery and this time pick him up. His nose is a little stuffed up, maybe he’s getting sick? I lay down on the futon with him on my chest, all 28 pounds of him. His weight presses down on me, almost being too much to be comfortable at all, but he’s relaxed. He never does this, not anymore anyhow. When jack and Fiona were infants I held them on my chest doing skin to skin at every feeding and any other chance I could get. Jack nuzzles his head right over my heart, it reminds me of the nurses telling me babies gravitate to the heart. They want to hear the heartbeat. I remember being scared that they wouldn’t be able to hear my heartbeat, that my heart didn’t pump strong enough. I thought “what if they try to sync up with my heartbeat and they die because they can’t feel it?” I try to put Jack back in his crib. He wails, I lay down in my own bed telling him, “Mommy’s right here.” It doesn’t work, he keeps crying. It’s after ten now, everyone’s tired. I bring him in our bed. He is intrigued by the shadows on the ceiling. He keeps pushing me closer to the edge of the bed. I decide to get the play and pack, I put a super soft blanket in it and place it at the foot of our bed. We turn off the lights and he starts crying again. This won’t work. My husband and I decide he’s well enough to sleep in his own crib and we all need our sleep! I put jack in his own bed and say “Goodnight”. I get back in my bed, he cries, it’s really hard to listen to, but I let him cry. It only lasts a few minutes this time and he falls asleep. YEA! Sometimes it truly is necessary to let babies cry it out!
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Let Them Play!

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Maternal Instinct

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Sometimes You just Gotta Let Them Cry it Out!

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