I decided to paint. I put on my apron and boots. I walk into my studio, lay out my paper, run back into the house to grab some tissue paper from the birthday party to use as collage material. I lay out my paper, I start to feel relaxed, happy. I can forget about the house full of crying and sickness for the time being. I feel creative and proud of myself for taking this step. Time is already up but I feel better about the rest of the day.
How will I get through the rest of the day? I am not complaining, I am serious. I pick my baby girl up out of her crib at 7:00 am. She gives me a big smile. I hug her, she coughs, I think it’s just something stuck in her throat. She can’t be sick. She just had the flu a month ago. It’s throw up. I feed her her bottle, she can’t keep it down. I go down to get Jack. His PJ’s are peed. I bring him up naked to let him air out. I take off Fionas diaper too, I’m about to put new diapers and outfits on both babies. Fiona pees on the floor, Jack prances around with his naked body. Fiona starts throwing up again. There’s throw up on the kitchen floor, pieces of bread and cheerios. They have doctors appointments to get the measles shot at 10:45. I don’t bring Fiona. Ramona takes care of Fiona, while I bring Jack to the doctor. Since we’ve been home both babies are crying, Fionas throwing up, and Ramona is sick. I only have one and a half hours left until Ramona goes home. My lap top isn’t working so I have to write this on my IPhone. I’m not complaining. I’m feeling wiped out. I need to do something rejuvenating. Billy is limping, she keeps escaping at night. I don’t have time to work in the studio, unless I do some really quick paintings. Or exercise? What will make me feel like I can handle the rest of the day? Drugs. Just kidding!
I start to get that feeling deep down in my gut, like I could cry. I hate everything I’ve made so far. I only had two hours to work and I’ve gone through an hour. I’m panicking, I’ve been working on the press. I decide to mix some paint, I mix some white with thick medium, some yellow. I start adding paint. I start some new pieces, with paint and collage. The creativity finally starts flowing. I stop self-critiquing, I start arriving in the moment, enjoying myself, liking what I’m making. I cover up a lot, next time I won’t cover up so much. I want to keep working but times up. I think about the week ahead and realize it will be difficult to get back into my studio. I woke up this morning at 4:30 to Jack wailing, I gave him Tylenol and a bottle of milk. I thought I should go work, but I was too tired. Before I had the babies I was in my studio every day. I worked for hours at a time. My biggest concern was not being able to work. But as the months went by and I saw how fast the babies were growing I took comfort. I knew one day soon they will be doing their own thing and I will be doing mine. This makes me sad too, if I was younger I would have more babies because it is a wonderful experience. But then I would never get into my studio. It always feels like time is running out. I need to get back to meditation.
Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes 