Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

Self-Worth– A sense of one’s own value as a human being. (Merriam- Webster)

I love my career. I am grateful for my education and grateful to myself for following my dreams. As I sit closer to my final graduation ceremony, I am confident that I have made the right decisions in my life. I am coming to understand the worthiness of my existence.

I have lived the majority of my life trying to prove my usefulness. I have sacrificed my own well-being in order to take care of other’s needs. The consequence for this has been a constant cycle of gut-stress leading to this past year alone, two bouts of diverticulitis, essentially, I told myself “I just need to get through this year, it will be O.K. if I eat vegetarian instead of Vegan, and buy prepackaged and premade foods, and drink coffee 3 times a day to keep going through the day, and lastly never take a break, eat through lunch, as long as I can keep take care of my family and finish my schooling.”

But I got sick. I let the pressure affect my decisions and put other people’s bodies and wellbeing first. I did not put my oxygen mask on first. I never had the self-worth to do so. Today I bought an overpriced coffee mug from an overpriced grocery store. I also bought an overpriced mini–French Press, a coffee scoop, and a bag of Starbucks Breakfast Blend, ground. On the cup it says, “Good Things are Coming“. The color is Peach, and it has little white daisies on the back.

I put the mug back on the shelf once, when I saw how much it cost. Then I decided to get it, anyway, picked it back up and put it in my cart. I also treated myself to a 10$ bath salt, in which I did the same sequence of moves, how much does it cost, decided it’s way too much to spend on such a thing, then decided I want to have the best bath experience ever. I can say, I took the bath and it delivered. It smelt like patchouli. My muscles feel better and so does my skin.

When I returned from the store, I made myself a cup of coffee in my new mug. I sat outside listened to the birds sing as my belly became warm and full. The taste of fresh coffee in my mouth. I reminisced about my trip to San Diego and the therapeutic effect it had on me. It was the first time I had been to San Diego since the day I left, age seventeen, and hitchhiked to New York.

The vacation rental was a little beach cottage on Jamaica Court. Walking in one direction was the bay, the other the ocean, and the third, the rock jetty at Mission Beach. So many feelings and emotions came up for me. Most significantly how I became a person with low self-worth, and how I have perpetuated that belief in myself. In many ways, as a child and a teenager I was thrown away. My belongings put out on the curb for trash day. No parent wanted me.

I grew up trying to prove I wasn’t trash, but also hiding and being ashamed of my upbringing and the things that happened to me, the life that I was born into. I realized, though, that those things are not me. I made decisions and I survived. It was not my fault and does not reflect on my self-worth. I was a child, searching for belonging. But fighting to survive, with education in the back of my mind at all times.

Today I am grateful that my Dreams of getting my teaching credentials in Special Education and Art, as well at my Graduate Degree in Fine Arts has all become a reality. Today I am honoring the hard work I have put in, and, at the same time forgiving myself for anything I ever felt ashamed of. I am learning my self-worth little by little.