Putting the Pieces together

Finally, I can sit down and begin to write. It’s 10:33AM Friday morning. Babysitter day. Everyone is at the park so I have the whole house to myself. I was able to finish cleaning last night after I put the babies to bed. I started in the afternoon. Vacuuming, with my new progressive vacuum cleaner from Sears, I got the model the professional cleaning ladies use, the canister style. Jack wouldn’t take his nap so I let him watch excavator videos on the I-Pad as I begun to clean. I kept thinking he’s so good. I woke Fiona up early from her nap, and even when both babies were upstairs I continued to do little chunks of cleaning, in between we ate snacks, played in the sand box, picked plums, then bath time and bedtime. I came up and still had to mop, as I pushed the mop over the tiles, and the wood I felt an ease inside me.  A relaxation. Now as I sit here typing in my clean house I feel that same lightness. What is it about a clean house? What is it about a dirty house? And how come some people can live in a messy, dirty house, and it doesn’t bother them, but others feel depressed with a messy house? I know the mindfulness techniques, the ones where you try to let it go, not worry about dirty dishes in the sink. Or toys all over the floor. I try to do this but I can only go so long. There’s another Buddhist philosophy, or would it be Feng Shi? I heard that it’s not good to have tons of clutter under your bed, that it would clutter your dreams and make your life feel cluttered. I think that’s true. Maybe cleaning helps us purge and move forward from one day to the next. Be able to fully be in the present, instead of held back by yesterday’s dirty habits. The chimes are blowing outside, the birds are chirping, it’s a beautiful day. I already laid down some marks in my studio. I’m going to take breaks in between layers today. Write, take Billy for a walk, work on some etchings, those take time. I want some new ones for my show in September. I’ve got so much good stuff for that show. And I’m making more and more every day.  

I’m over my worrying over who reads what and what they think. Today, as I started working in my notebooks I realized that I have almost fully embraced who I am. My studio showed me that. None of the things matter that I worry about, the cost, the trying to justify what I do, that I am an artist whether I sell or not. It’s no reason not to do it. There’s also no way to explain to someone who doesn’t have a passion that requires ridiculous amounts of money for supplies, makes a mess, makes no money, takes lots of time, and makes a person crazy. Or is the artist born crazy? My mom was an artist too. I miss her so much. I think I’d be less crazy if she were still around for me to talk to.  Before my mom died, when people told me one of their loved ones had passed I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how they felt. When I went through losing someone so close to me, who meant the world to me, who was so much part of my life, unexpectedly gone the next day, it was a feeling that could only be learned through experience. There would be no way to explain that to someone who hadn’t gone through losing someone in that way. I think a lot of things in life are like that. We beat ourselves up trying to explain things to people who will never understand, unless they go through it themselves.

 Well my technique isn’t working so well yet. I worked more in my studio and I feel like everything is already over worked!!! Maybe there’s no way to get around that. It’s just part of the process. It’s just past noon now. Starting to feel anxious because I know everyone will be back from the park soon. I need to make myself scarce, if the babies see me they might not want to take a nap. They are getting so big. They are starting to understand things  I say. Yesterday I saw them sitting on a step in the backyard together, it was so cute. I wish I could have got a picture. They looked like they were contemplating life. Earlier in the day Fiona and I were swinging on the hammock and Jack was walking around it, Fiona said, “Jack, watch your head” which is quite an accomplishment for her. I was impressed. They impress me every day. I’ve learned too that with toddlers you have to be willing to say no and let them cry. They get over it so fast, but the more I give in to things like watching Mickey Mouse or eating candy, which are the two things they constantly whine about, the worse they are. They may keep asking all day long, but the more I say no the quicker they move onto playing something else, like going outside and playing in the sand box. It’s hard because I feel bad when they cry, but I know it’s just an automatic response for them, they are always trying to figure me out. They want to learn how to control me and they know using their emotions is an effective strategy! The sad face! I hope they had tons of fun at the park today. My alone time is almost over. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I need more of this.

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