The house is a cluster Fuck with toddler twins, the beach is the place to be.

It was between 12:00 and 12:30PM when they fell asleep, Jack and Fiona have been sleeping for over two hours. I  have the un-packing done, organized the beach gear (Which there is A LOT of!!)  rinsed off the sand toys and beach blankets, took a shower, worked in my notebooks (which was SO fun and gave me an incredible idea) and have finally come to sit and write. A weed blower just stopped blowing, I feel a calm, clear-headedness that was not present, is not present now again as the weed blower is loud in my right ear and causes me anxiety. Anxiety which has gotten increasingly better over the past several weeks. It turns on and off breaking my concentration. Changing my mood completely. Now it’s quiet again, I can hear the faint sound of chimes, voices from far way, then the loud weed blower comes on again. I wonder when the babies will wake up. They must be very tired from our trip. The river water still on their mind. The butterflies, bees, flowers, rocks, fog, trees, strange rooms and other peoples’ things, shelves full of games, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit to open up and investigate, pulling out stacks of questions and answers, fake money and little houses, I don’t have the energy to stop them.

Jack and Fiona woke up from their nap soon after I begun to write this yesterday. I go in to the nursery to see calm, smiling, babies, blue blues in mouths. Within seconds though, “I wanna watch Mickey Mouse” says Jack. “Mickey Mouse in here”.  Fiona has a poop, “I need to change Fiona’s diaper” I say. Fiona goes to a corner and leans into it. She stays there for a few minutes, then slides down to the floor sucking her thumb and Blue Blue. “Mickey mouse, I wanna watch Mickey Mouse” Jack repeats over and over again. I finally get Fiona on the changing table, when we’re done she grabs my legs from behind. I can’t move. She’s been doing this lately. I just stand there and wait until this mood of hers passes. I take deep breaths and meditate. “I wanna watch Mickey Mouse” Jack says again and again. Fiona begins to move away from me, she finds the box of pens and paper. We all color, the babies color their tongues, arms, Blue Blues, the floor, “only on the paper” I repeat several times. “Put the caps on when you’re done with the color, the pens will dry out” They completely ignore me. Fuck it, I turn on the T.V., Mickey Mouse is on now. On live T.V. with commercials and everything. Jack is engrossed. That’s all I wanna do, just sit and veg out to T.V., but that’s not in my immediate future. By the time I get to sit and veg it’s 9:00PM and I’m wiped. I just want to spend every day at the Beach, it’s the only safe and relaxing place for the babies and I. The house is a cluster fuck.

I hear the stove clicking; Fiona is messing with the knob. “No Fiona” I say and the clicking stops. I’m going about my kitchen duties, putting out raisins, berries, yogurts, then picking up what falls on the floor, I smell something burning. I see smoke coming from the stove, Fiona was able to turn on the middle burner, the griddle, it has a cover on it.  Smoke is coming up all four sides. It’s hot, I lift off the cover, turn off the stove and turn on the fan. That’s scary, that’s a house fire waiting to happen or a bad burn for one of the babies. In the same hour Jack’s outside playing in the backyard, I go to check on him and smell gas. He’s turned on the BBQ grill but it’s not lit, only GAS filling under the grill cover. Someone lights a match and BOOM! What the fuck. Between these scarier than shit things they get up to there’s crying and whining and grabbing my legs, and hold me, which I want to do but with twins it’s almost impossible. Jack falls, “Mama” I pick him up, soothe and cuddle him. Fiona starts crying, pushing Jack away from me. It’s really hard. And when I had made the dinner last night, but Jack just wanted more hotdogs, even though he had an amazing chicken soup in front of him and I’m trying to eat my dinner and Jack starts crying and wants me to hold him. Alan says, “Mamas boy, Jack asks and mama gives him whatever he wants” I get so mad. “What did I give him?” I ask. I haven’t given into him except for holding him and I’m mad because ALL day I’ve had to navigate between crying and unhappiness and falls. Feeding times and going places, getting places. I’m at my final straw. Alans just making a joke, he doesn’t mean anything by it, but the statement makes me so mad.

When I take the babies to the nursery, I just lay there, I read one book, but that’s all. I’m so tired, but I also need some time to be with Jack and Fiona in a calm way, in an easy way, to re-boot. As I lay down in their room they un-wind more and more. They start relaxing, I rub their feet and backs. I start to dose off and Jack puts his face in front of mine, “Mama, Mama” he says. I think about the trail down to the river on Sunday, picking blackberries. Jack and Fiona thought that was so cool and for the rest of the weekend everywhere we would go for nature walks they would ask me, “Blackberries?” Being careful not to let them eat other berries, possibly poisonous berries! I need to teach them how to forage. What to eat, what not to eat. That’s where we thrive, out in nature. Not inside houses. The beach is the best place to be. I hear a blue Jay and a finch outside chirping. It’s almost 8:00AM, I don’t hear the babies yet. I think I might just feed them breakfast in the car on the way to school. Get them to school nice and early. Gain a bit of time for myself. A breather.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist