Separation Devastation and The Greatest Day Ever

“I want Fiona” Jack cries, next to me holding my leg as I wave at the school bus, driving Fiona to Preschool. Fiona gets on the bus happy, greeting her driver, Louie, getting into her seat with a smile on her face, excited to pick up her classmate at the next bus stop. In the past two weeks Fiona has gained a new life, an independent life from Jack, from me. She has new friends, a new school especially designed for children with hearing loss. I’ve watched Fiona blossom in the past two weeks, she’s confident, creative, self-assured right now. Jack has been sad, unpredictable moods, lonely for Fiona. Between this he has been extremely brave and fearlessness on his scooter! He wants a skateboard now, but I think he’s too young still. Jack and I have spent the past two weeks together 24/7. We got tennis rackets and played on the tennis wall at the park a few times. I roller bladed and he scootered a few times. We hung out at the mall got hot cocoas and chocolate candy and road the train. I witnessed Jack go through the most difficult period of his life so far; being separated from his twin sister for the first time. There were always three of us, now there are periods with only two. From having three days a week with a guaranteed 3 hour break I had none.  Today, as I got Jack dressed to go to the jumpy house with Alan and Fiona I started to see he was over the worst part. He wore his new checkered vans I got him on sale, they are still too big, he had his new shorts and top on, regular kid sizes, no more toddler clothes, he had his green sunglasses and his mutant ninja turtle hat on. Last night we watched a Lego batman cartoon, and this morning Jack wanted to talk about his Super Hero’s.  He’s starting his preschool program on Monday and I was imagining what “boy” he’ll be? What kind of guys will he want to play with, what “group?”. My biggest fear for Jack is he is so sensitive, buts he’s big and strong. He’s smart, always thinking, and daring. He doesn’t like to play rough, he’s doesn’t like teasing. He’s both introverted and extroverted. I don’t want him getting sucked in by the mean kids or bullies. That’s my fear.

It was a hard couple of weeks, and Sunday is my birthday! I’ll be 46 years old! It’s a fine age, I am grateful to be here. I sit here in quiet, a dog barks outside, a crow is cawing and the California Red Bud are blooming like never before. I walk out to view them up close, bee’s buzz around my head, the flowers are thick, I can feel the pollen in the air. It’s Spring. I was born in Spring, in San Diego. I probably laid around naked all the time. My dad was in the Navy. My mom was 21 years old. The outdoors was revered by our family, we spent most of our time outside. “Go outside and play” mine and my brothers lives as kids. We rode ponies and picked pomegranates off trees. Our fingernails were always dirty and we were always barefoot. The other day Jack, Fiona, and I were at the park. I was talking to my friend, didn’t have eyes on Jack and Fiona. I went to check on them and they both hand their pants off and said, “Mom, we peed, we peed over there behind the tree.” I have to admit, I started laughing. It was the first real warm day we’ve had and they wanted to be naked and play and go to the bathroom outside.  But I said, “You have to wear your underwear at least!”. I had to search for Jacks underwear. “Do you know wear his underwear are?” I asked this other little boy, he was laughing too, he pointed towards the trees. His nanny was in there are handed me the underwear smiling. I wondered if she also let the other little boy to go pee there? But there’s a bathroom at that park. I guess that proves it, humans would rather go to the bathroom outdoors!

Anyhow, I need to clean my closet. I told Alan I need to clean my closet so he should take the babies to the bouncy house. I probably have approximately two hours left. This is the greatest day ever.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist